Holiday or wedding?

[Holidayandwedding]

If your sisters wedding was booked for a time you were on a month long holiday that has taken a lot of planning, would you cancel the holiday or go to the wedding? The holiday includes our adult children, one who will just have finished A levels and one who will have just graduated, which is why we planned it for when we have. We have already planned and booked things to do, have concert tickets and have planned things with friends over there.

We have had the holiday booked for a while and the wedding date has only just been announced. We hadn’t told my family about the holiday yet as we were waiting til we saw them. When we saw them last week, they told us about the wedding straight away and then obviously we had to tell them it clashed with our holiday dates. My parents and sister can’t believe we are prepared to miss the wedding. Are we being unreasonable?

I think it’s very unfortunate that it clashes. Maybe if you knew your sister was looking at wedding dates you could have mentioned it.

If it were me, yes, I’d move the holiday and attend my sisters wedding but it really does depending on how close you are.

When we booked our wedding we checked unavailable dates with immediate family.

It's not your fault she didn't do that.

So you have had a month-long holiday planned for a while, and you presumably knew your sister was engaged, but you didn’t think to mention it? Sometimes waiting until you see people is a poor choice. You should have told them.

But you didn’t. There is no perfect solution now. Depends what the concert tickets are, and how close you are to your sister.

Yes, this is also on them for not doing that!

That's a really tricky one.
I am assuming it's happening next summer.
How much of the wedding is booked?
How much of your holiday is booked?
How close are you to your sister?
How big is the wedding?
How will it make you feel being away when all the rest of your family is together celebrating at home?
Will your sister forgive you for not putting her first and if not, does that matter?
Could you delay your holiday or cut it to three weeks and then be able to attend the wedding?
Could just you fly back on your own for a few days? (depends where you are).
A holiday is not usually worth causing a lifelong family rift for, if that's a likely outcome.

We had no idea she was looking at wedding dates. She got engaged 6 years ago and hasn’t mentioned getting married for ages.

She’s been engaged for 6 years with no mention of the wedding since the early days of their engagement.

Agreed. This is on them.

Can you fly back for the wedding as a compromise?

6 years ! Do people really think the OP should have no holidays booked or book anything else just incase the sister decides to get married ?

Why should the OP have to her family about booking the holiday ? They aren't going with her so none of their business really.
If the sister after many years decides to get married and wants everyone there then maybe she should have mentioned she was thinking about dates during x month or x year.

I personally couldn’t imagine missing my sisters wedding but then it sounds like you’ve done loads of planning/booking and these things are time consuming, expensive and a nightmare to rearrange so I could understand if your were my sister and missed it. If they haven’t booked anything yet and it means so much to have you there AND they’ve waited this long, could they reconsider and choose another date?

The sister can change her wedding date then as she stupidly didn’t ask anyone if they had anything on those dates!!

This is on your sister. If she wanted you there, she should have checked dates with you and other family members!

I could but it’s a long flight and would interrupt our plans with friends.

My parents and their best friends didn’t go to each other’s weddings because they had something else on. It wasn’t that big a deal. I know it’s not quite the same, but honestly if your sister has only just booked, it’s probably easier for her to move the date than it is for you.

Sounds like you’ve booked flights, hotels and activities already. Speak to your sister and see if she can move the date.
Most people check with family that the wedding date doesn’t clash with anything/send out a save the date way in advance

I had to miss my DSIS wedding for similar reasons. She understood and got over it.

If they wanted to be sure everyone could attend they would have checked dates with you.

No of course not. Sounds like a lot of planning has gone into the holiday. She should have checked really

Why did she not check first?
Most people I know check dates with immediate family first before booking anything, especially if it is a main summer holiday period.

Could you fly back yourself for the wedding then return to the holiday?

No she has been engaged for years and didn’t check with close family. It’s unfortunate but can’t be helped

I wouldn’t change your plans. It’s not like she recently got engaged and has been chatting planning so you should have thought to ask before booking the holiday, it’s been 6 years and nothing!! If she wanted you there that badly the onus was on her to check you were free first.

Holiday over wedding for me.

Holiday over wedding - if she's been engaged 6 years with no talk of a date, were you supposed to put your entire life on hold just in case she finally pulled her finger out? YANBU

YANBU to go on the holiday not to the wedding.

The only unreasonable bit was not telling them you booked a holiday and not checking with your sister when her wedding may be.

my SIL will be getting married in the next few years, before considering when I might like to holiday in 2028 I’ll be checking with her to see if she is booking anything and when it likely is. It makes sense to check with a close family member who is engaged

When my 2 kids had their weddings they checked with immediate family: what have you on Summer 26 so we can pick a wedding date. My dd had a date in mind but my ds already had a trip booked so she booked an alternate date. As your dsis has only mentioned the date now hopefully she can change it immediately with no loss of money. She sounds like she didn't give much thought to any one.
If its impossible to change l would fly on my own to the wedding leaving dh and kids on the holiday but l would be very miffed.