DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Sorry I am confused. There is no spare cash from being rent free in Amsterdam, is there? Extra salary, yes. Whatever their joint housing cost is in London will remain.

I'm amazed at a lot of these responses that consider living apart as no big deal as it doesn't gel with what I experienced in real life at all.

I worked away for 4 years staying away Monday to Friday and others always said to me that they couldn't do it.

Why are you so angry?

How can you be this sure OP will have problems 5 years later? Lower your overconfidence a little and develop some humility. You don't have the superpower to know more about OP’s relationship than Op herself.

Honestly, I am thinking about how I would have felt about my husband doing this just after we were married. If I am being absolutely truthful, even though it's an amazing opportunity, I would have hated it and been very unhappy - in my mind, you don't enter marriage to live separately. Plus I would have really, really missed him! So I therefore think if the tables were turned it's not something I'd contemplate myself either, as that would feel unfair. All relationships are different though and clearly from this thread there are many who take the opposite view.

Do it. I have commuted weekly from Paris and also somewhere in Central Europe that was a three hour flight away.

Go! The regret of not doing it will outweigh any practical difficulties- flying every other weekend.

When he moved to London for you? What was his professional circumstances? Did he have better opportunities where he was and he compromised to move to London for you? If you I can understand his resentment.

You need to talk to him openly. Why can’t you travel 2 weekend to London and he travels 2 to Amsterdam. Why he needs to compromise each time? I think that’s where his resentment is coming from.

If you don't do it now, you never will.
If the sexes were reversed it wouldn't be the same at all, as the man can have children with no negative effect on his career or flexibility. Very different for the woman

Go for it. You can always come back if it isn't for you.

I worked in Munich for years. Flew home Thu & back on Monday every 2 weeks & he flew out to me the other weekend (negotiated condensed hours). Or we'd both fly to a different city & meet up. It was a really good few years, great memories & life experience. Really made it crack with the right loyalty/reward schemes too.

Go for it ... calculate the cost of acco.mofation and flights though before accepting.

she already said apartment taken care of

Would it genuinely be one year and all the benefits after 12 months are guaranteed? Or after a year they will evaluate your situation and ask you to stay and if there is an opening in london then you can apply for it etc. Type situation?

This is a man who moved to the UK for her. Hardly selfish.

Take it!

but he seems a bit emotionally distant and silently resentful.

this is manipulation. if you can’t see it, more fool you.

Why would you only come back once a month?
Is your long term plan to live in The Netherlands again?

But had you previously had a long distance relationship over many years, asked him to move continents for you and get married, which he did, only for you to up sticks a year later and suggest he do most of the travelling at weekends to see you?

I can see his point - he moved all this way to be with you and now you will be moving.

However, this is an amazing opportunity. You may not ‘need’ the money now but think about what it could do for your future . At some point , you will have children and then you will have the issue of maternity leave and wanting to still be able to earn after . With a big promotion and a higher paying role you could then be in a better position to negotiate things like working from home , part time etc if you wanted to when you are a mother . This also will then contribute towards the happiness in your relationship and not lead to the arguments of him earning more and you not having your own money etc.

Don’t brush his feelings aside , make sure this is a decision you both make - but present really good points . I think you really want to do this and you may resent him if you don’t , but equally if you do it and he feels like it’s all your decision then that could lead to resentment from him.

A year is really not a long time in the grand scheme of things , it will be over before you know it. Is there no way he could come with you , even for part of the time ?

Ds was in a similar dilemma, that is take up a job ot long after moving in with his girlfriend but a massive promotion and parish with would be great for his career. His gf wasn't keen. He was really torn up. The only advice I could give him was did he think he would resent it if he didnt take it if he looked back in 5 years time. He said he would and took the job and loved it ever since. Sadly the relationship didn't survive.

I get why he is not keen but also don’t get why he thinks you taking this job with a year in Amsterdam is bad “early in the marriage”? I would be surprised if a marriage could not survive one party working overseas for a year - especially somewhere as close as Amsterdam. And while you may be ok, an extra £50k a year is nothing to sneeze at!

Unfortunately this does have to be a joint decision but there is nothing unreasonable in wanting a great opportunity like this, even if you don’t end up taking it.

@Mlouisede there is a difference that you are a woman and he is a man because the reality is that once you get pregnant there is practically zero chance you will be offered anything remotely close to this opportunity for at least a decade and possibly 2. Whereas your husband can build his career more slowly.

it’s not right and of course there are exceptions but in general once a woman has children she won’t be offered overseas postings … even if you really want one and you may not.

Also you cannot know what the future will bring… my children (because of medical disabilities) both required a carer at home so that messed with my previously high-flying career (hence my name 😕).

So this is exactly the time in your marriage when your career should be prioritised over your husband’s.

And yes, once you have children you would be within your rights to be cross if your husband wanted to work overseas and that’s not a double standard - it’s the difference between being a husband and being a father.

I think you need to really talk with your husband about the reality of a career with children and the normal (unfairly disproportionate) negative impact on women’s opportunities. If you are TTC this is likely the last chance you will get for a very long time.

Not the point at all but what about the environment al impact...!

I'd be interested to know what the OP would feel if SHE had been the one to move continents for HIM and only a year after the marriage said HE was going to take a job in his home country for a year and SHE could travel to him twice a month but he also wanted a solo weekend each month.

I agree @Glidinglikeaswan, all marriages go through testing times and also, sometimes you need to be hard-nosed and look at opportunities from a financial standpoint. Yes, you're doing well already, but this opportunity will move you into a very comfortable financial position, which is extremely useful when you're planning to start a family. Even if your career does take a hit when you have children, this will still be on your CV for the future and the money in the bank.

Years ago, my DH was offered an opportunity in a city that I really didn't want to move to, I was very happy where we lived and I couldn't transfer with my then-employer. But I realized how much it could benefit us long term, so I went along with it and yes, it did hugely benefit our family. This is only a year, you can enjoy exploring Amsterdam together, and you have plenty of time to start your family in a year or two.

How long did you do long distance? When did you close the distance? Was him moving to London your spesific request or was he happy to move to London in general?

I'm in an ldr (have been a long time) and if moved and a year later my partner announced he was moving abroad, i would not be thrilled. If it was years after closing the distance or the previous distance was a short period of time then I might feel totally differently.