DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

It’s weird he has an issue with long distance now if you have done it previously. But I understand if he never wanted to live in London but only moved there to make you happy, why he is annoyed now. I possibly would be too.

But also opportunities like this don’t come along often and once you have children this will be a non starter. So maybe position it like that to him?

I do hope he does change his mind so you can take up this time boxed amazing opportunity!

Don’t have babies until you’ve come back into a bigger role. Take the job.

Why does he think he will be living like a single person? What will change?

He thinks his life will be exactly same like before getting married

I guess I don’t get what the big difference will be between now and before marriage except not having somebody in the house with him full time?

What will change? He won't be seeing his wife every day.

We are currently living apart due to circumstances but once I can move to be with him (and it will need to be that way) if he then moved a flight away even if only for a year I would tear up my marriage certificate and move home. If he can't put being with me over money then he isn't the man I thought. There is not much I would put above being with him, pretty much the only thing is what is currently keeping me in the UK. If his priorities are different then we have no future because our values are too misaligned.

Yes I know that but I don’t get how that is “living like a single person”.

As you're back on your thread @Mlouisede what's your thinking on this post if the shoe was on the other foot?

I'm a bit worried this is becoming a "keeping score" thing. I'm sure that in the future he will get an offer of a promotion involving moving to a different country, and at that point I'll say no because we'll have babies and then he'll feel like he's the only one who ever sacrifices

If I bring this conversation up again now, it feels like I'm the one controlling everything. Yes, he had a good job in France and moved here only for me. He was doing really well there.

Why only visit him once a month?

This is why I asked about the domestic load split. Without kids, I don’t really see the point he’s making. Even allowing for missing each other, you can still keep yourself busy- maybe getting ahead with work to allow for proper quality couple time at weekends?

I think there’s another angle here, I have scanned your posts and I completely understand logically all of the reasons you want to go & should go - more money, better career progression, security etc it really is a no brainer, I don’t think you would find many people who would tell you not to go or think your husband is being unreasonable whether he moved for you or not but I think you need to ask yourself what your heart is saying and do you actually want to go. Once you have children this kind of thing will be incredibly difficult if not impossible - I have two DCs and DH is one of the better ones but even getting on an overnight work trip is difficult. I’m dreading the day that there’s something for work I have to turn down because I just can’t make the logistics work. Now really is the time to do this if this is something you want OP, but don’t cause issues in your marriage for more money or a promotion if you would be happy either way without it. Bear in mind promotions often mean more work so if you get this promotion then have a baby that could open up a whole other set of difficulties. I have a friend who does not entertain any promotion conversations because it would mean too much impact on her family.

Me and my partner did long distance for 9 months as he had an amazing job opportunity he always wanted to try. He was a hell of a lot further than Netherlands so I couldn’t visit but we made it work as I knew it meant a lot to him and I didn’t want him wondering what if later on. I was late 20s, no kids.

I can’t imagine not wanting my partner to reach his full potential because of me.

If you worry he’s the kind of person to keep score and not realise your circumstances are different then he is childish and a bit of a dick it sounds hard to trust him.

I don't think, There is a way he could come with me

That was essentially my question too. I get he will see her far less but I don’t get how not seeing your spouse everyday means you are “living like a single person”.

Where’s he from?

The thing is, as you’re planning a family, you aren’t starting from the same place with regard to your careers. Yours will take a hit, you’ll be operating with an invisible weight dragging you backwards, and actually that’s probably already started, because hiring folk do take into account your age and marital status as a woman, and what works for men in a positive way (getting married, becoming fathers) works against women even now, even with anti-discrimination laws.

So. If you take this opportunity now, you will be further ahead when you start your maternity than you might ever be if you don’t take it. You literally may never get the chance again. Your husband just doesn’t have to factor that in to his career planning in the same way as you do.

For that reason, I would still say to take the chance. Work out your lifetime projected earnings with and without taking the promotion now, work out the difference to your pension or what you’ll be able to afford for your children.

That said, I do think you should do the lion’s share of the commuting, so that he doesn’t feel as inconvenienced as he might if you expect him to do twice as much travelling as you’re willing to do.

So getting married means you have to be barefoot and pregnant or that you put your man first, i wish people could look out of the box and realise you get one life and life is just about you and no one else not even him

It shouldn’t be a keeping score thing and I don’t see that. I also think children changes things massively so don’t think it would be a similar situation. If you had children I would think you were being more unreasonable to want this.

This. If they can agree that OP will take this opportunity then OP should be the one to do more of the commuting.

I'm thinking of seeing him once a month by flying back to London, and he could come to Amsterdam twice.

Why would you be visiting him once and him visiting you twice?

Surely you should be doing the majority of the travelling?

I think you are quite a selfish person.
That’s not an insult, purely an observation.

You admit that you would not be happy for your DH to do the same.

If it was me I would do it but that’s because I’m not married and I’m a selfish person.

Honestly, I think this could cause you problems in your marriage purely because your happiness seems to trump his.

But I think you’d regret and resent not doing it which may also cause issues in your marriage.

Either way I think it’s going to cause issues in the relationship.
But at least by going you’ll have more money and opportunities.

I'd be really pissed off with you if I was in shoes.

I think it’s strange she didn’t frame it this way to begin with.

She offered to visit him once a month.

Ordinarily the person working away reassures the stay at home partner that they will structure their work so they are back home as often as practicable.

DH always arranges his work to maximise time with me.

There doesn’t appear to be the same offer here.

Because for many people, one of the benefits of marriage is having someone to share all the humdrum stuff with - having someone to vent to when you come home, or to share the cooking and the cleaning, or just having someone "there".

I wouldn't get into a relationship where, long-term, we lived apart because that's not what I want and I (personally) wouldn't see the point.