DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

My reading of that was that she would find it difficult if there were children by then. But there aren't children now.

The thing is - if she can't do this now, then when? When children have left home?

Actually her precise words were "But I'm not sure if, in the future, he would ever want to move to another country for a year. I wouldn't be okay with that because by then, we would be deeply into our marriage."

That's not quite the same spin. Let's say she goes to Amsterdam for the year and as she's finishing that HE gets the chance to go back to work in Paris for a year. Is she going to say "yes that's fine" or "no, I want us to start a family" now I'm back?

Hi OP,
Did your DH's career take a hit when he relocated to be with you?
Do you know his future plans/ hopes for his career?

I can see the pros of the move for you and why you want this but I don't feel like we are getting a clear view of DHs side.

Did his career suffer/ stall when he moves to be with you? Did he want to stop long distance at that point?

Would you support him in a years time if once your move is over he is offered a similar opportunity? Or would you then consider that was the time to start trying to children and his opportunity to further his career couldn't happen because life was different?

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you hope for in the longer term, what do you both think is fair how would you handle different situations. It's fair to want what you want but also fair for your DH to feel the goal posts have been moved.

Also I am sure your aren't intending to and it's a quirk of posting in a forum rather than a real life conversation but some of the things you have said do come across as it's a) already a done deal and b) it's all on your terms.
For example not wanting it if he had a similar opportunity in future and him doing more of the travelling. If you want to be able to have proper conversations with him.

I don't envy you it's a tough decision but definitely one you both need to be really honest about and know where the compromise is for you both.

Right, but presumably if they didn't have decent couples time now, he wouldn't have said he didn't want to live like a single person in the first place.

I don't think that's unreasonable of him. But it might not simply be that. Some people don't like surprises, don't like change, and certainly don't like their spouses being substantially more successful than them. And those aren't great reasons to veto living-apart-together.

The world is really insecure now. The OP may think that other great opportunities will just turn up. And they may; but it's not certain. I definitely thought that when I was a similar age.

The career bump will also benefit the future children.

I'm sure they can work through this. It will benefit the whole household longer-term. And London-Amsterdam just isn't that far; and a year just isn't that long.

In long relationships things can't always be perfectly equal all the time. You have to have trust that they will balance out in the long run - as well as making active efforts to make sure that happens.

However, from what I've observed of my peers, as the decades have piled up, things tend to drift towards a worse deal for the woman - especially if they've had children.

And in each of those cases, I can't see when things will even out - unless you count longer life expectancy for women. But additional poor-health years at the end don't feel like much of a payoff.

Whilst I understand your point about it feeling a bit 'cheeky' to bugger off for a year, having asked him to move, it's just a year. That is so short. Factor in weekends and holidays and it will be done in a heartbeat - it really will.

From the moment you go, your career will be on a better track as you will have shown yourself to be someone who seizes opportunity and prioritises progression. Salary bump aside, it's sets you out as a leader, and that matters.

If and when you have a family, these opportunities become far more difficult - especially (sadly) for women. Your DH is being short-sighted (albeit for good reasons - he is happy, he enjoys being with you, he likes your life as it is). That's not necessarily a bad thing, just an indication of his contentment with the current status, BUT it is short sighted and a bit selfish. Having children is expensive and you might feel like you are comfortable now but the opportunity to put money aside and grow your wealth (and earning potential) a bit harder whilst you can, should not be dismissed too quickly.

You should go.

Wow how depressing. Her husband won’t be a close second once she has kids?

How can it be a bit selfish of him but not a bit selfish of her at the same time?

I think the context of this is important. On the face of it, no you aren’t wrong for wanting to grab this opportunity with both hands- it has so many benefits for you.

But, given your history, I think you the reality is more nuanced. You have done long-distance before and you asked him to move to be with you because you did not want to do that anymore. He left a good job in Paris, where he was successful- is his current job as good and with just as much opportunity for progression? If not, I think you need to be very cognisant of that and bear it in mind. If it’s much in a par, it’s less of an issue (but be honest with yourself about it).

Add in that you are very clear that you would say no to relocation (long-term or temporary) or to him taking a temporary job abroad in the future for his own career progression and I honestly think you are straying into unreasonable territory. I think you need to think through why you are happy for him to do make sacrifices/be flexible for you, when you are not prepared to do similar for him. If this was a man saying the same-“ I want to have opportunities now, but I will not allow my wife to have the same options in the future because once I’ve made the most of my opportunities I want to start a family and he cannot possibly expect us to relocate or for her to move for a year when we do that”- he’d be called controlling/misogynistic and selfish.

I think if you are going to do this, you do need to be prepared to be flexible and open minded about opportunities that may come your DH’s way in the future- children or not. If you want everything to work in your favour now and in the future- and in particular if there he has made sacrifices in his own career to be move to be with you- resentment may well set in if you aren’t in the same page now. How would you feel if once you returned, he got a great opportunity elsewhere? Would you support him on taking that opportunity?

I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion with him about this. And be prepared to compromise about future opportunities that might arise for him.

' living alone like a single person '

oh does he mean he has to shop and cook for himself, do laundry and clean the home himself
and no sex

as you are not there ...

Of course it would be different in the future if you had children for either of you to work ' away '

however couples do, and survive.

You came back every weekend.

She’s suggested she’d return once a month. One weekend separately. Two weekends where he does the travel.

Do it. A year will fly by.

OP is Dutch. I think she knows.

Because OP isn't saying "Ooohh I want to go because it will be fun" she is saying "it's a great opportunity that I think will benefit us BOTH in the long term".

She is looking at the big picture.

Do we suppose she won't miss him? Of course she will.

She is seeing this as an opportunity which will require sacrifice ON BOTH SIDES, he is only seeing how it will change the status quo. You will also see that his heistation is really understandable and a reflection of how content he is.

Still a bit selfish though.

The thing is though, OP says herself that he uprooted his life and career to move to London because that's what she asked of him, and now she's the one who wants to bugger off to Amsterdam and leave him in London on his own.

I think if this was a man posting, he'd have his arse handed to him.

Take it. It's only a year. I bet if it was him, he'd take it.

I suggest you read the thread.

OP is the one who wanted him to move to England to be with her, and is now the one buggering off back to her home country, leaving him somewhere he never really wanted to be in the first place.

Yes. That bit of important context was dropped in later, and we all know most posters never check or read an OPs updates.

Paris to London isn't that far and isn't that bad a move. And the OP hasn't said at all whether he's homesick, took a career cut etc.

Maybe it's just his turn to be the trailing partner for a few years. It's only one year, and she said she wouldn't do it again.

It's hardly a betrayal. And in the US, this type of working out of town during the week (i.e. in another state) is incredibly normal.

"he seems a bit emotionally distant and silently resentful." @Mlouisede that is a problem.

It's unfair of him to emotionally blackmail you into not taking a brilliant opportunity, why he cannot see the positives for you both and is purely thinking of the "downsides" that he has conjured sounds, frankly, hypocritical.

When he transitioned from NYC to Paris, where did you figure in that equation, exactly, or did he see that as close enough to London?

So you've only been married a year, you're both early 30's, if you have children now, or even in the next couple of years, your career will no doubt be put on the back burner.

The opportunity for you to rise several pay grades and possibly elevate to D suite or higher will secure a fantastic future for you both, it will cost one year/365 days worth, of mutual sacrifice.

If you are both in already demanding jobs in London, how much time, after commute/work, do you actually spend together?

Him being petulant, is childish, he's obviously needing some reassurances, to your mind what are those?

It really would be criminal for you not accept but you know your relationship better than us all.

It would be so disappointing though @Mlouisede that he is basing his happiness, solely, on you forgoing such a superb prospect due to his short sightedness.

Amsterdam is only an ~hour's flight away, there really is no need for such angst, is there?

Oh I didn’t realise that!

Do it, I lived abroad for a few years, it’s been a really important part of my life. If you went home once a month and he came out once a month, and maybe worked from home to slightly lengthen the visits you’ll be fine.

It doesn't matter if it's not far

He gave up his job and moved to a whole different country for her, only to be told actually, she now wants to move somewhere else without him. So not only did he give up his home/life, he's now stuck somewhere by himself while his wife follows her dreams alone.

Like I said before. Ensure his fertility is ok before you go. As my DB (9 years older than SIL) had issues (low sperm count) and they needed IVF which luckily worked twice. DB was 38/39 and had no issues previously.

Do it. My parents had LDR for years and so did I. Flight 1hr30 less than £200 return . Look at forces families and deployments. You may never get this chance again. Life is too short not to.