DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

but your career WILL take a hit when you have children. And so will your body. You will be making huge sacrifices for him moving forward. It is wise, and reasonable and fair to take this opportunity to jump your career forward before taking that hit. And it shows that you are still a contender, still driven in our career.

If you stop taking up opportunities to progress now you're married you will just be putting your career in an early grave. You will be passed over because they will think that your new priority is being a family woman that you're married, you've just passed up a promotion "ah she'll probably be on maternity leave soon then not come back, better choose bob instead."

That's clearly not what you want. And he should know that you don't intend to give up your career for him.

It's not like he left his home country for you, he'd worked in multiple countries prior to you. You had both lived and worked in other countries. Did he think two people who do that are just going to live the rest of their lives in one city forever?

Oh my god - take it, take it, take it.

He can't stop you. He'll come round. He would take it if it were him.

I'm considerably older and the opportunities just disappear once you reach a certain age. You have to get as far as you can while you can.

You have more brains than most of these women on this site. They hate men and think every man is out to cheat and treat them horribly. Do what is best for you and your husband. Ignore the comments here.

He wouldn't be 'living like a single person'.

When working long hours, my partner and I are like ships passing in the night despite living together. Three good weekends a month would be great quality couple time, if used well.

It is just a year, and the better placed you are professionally before you start having children, the better placed you will be to bounce back.

I chose to move countries/give up my jobs for my ex, and it is the only decision I regret in my life (not entirely, as I have my lovely DC, but in theory) as it was a very gendered decision, one, given the job I gave up (like 'gold dust') was one no man would ever have made.

In any case you should be able to talk about it without silent resentment/sulkiness - make a joint decision and own it.

Hence my question to OP.

But you don't know if that's the case with this couple.

I think that you should go for it, but could you plan a really nice holiday for the end of your year so that you both know that you have something to look forward to?

If it helps set you both up for the future then I think it’s worth it.

Yikes.

Very bluntly - if you want kids I'd go....

you've got disposable and can eurostar.or fly back and forth easily....

uou'll find having a child(ren) on a HH income of 300k a hell of a lot easier vs 200k

On 260k gross we lead a fairly no frills lifestyle after childcare bills and mortgage we spend 9k pm to stand still - clothes hols etc are extra

Life was a lot nicer when I was making 220-240k and we had £300k or so coming in.

It's 12 m with a fixed end point that will drastically improve your joint finances.

I'd do it.

That depends on your definition of "living like a single person".

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner and I were like ships passing in the night - I've been there before and it was miserable. If it was occasional and short-term (like, for a week or two once or twice a year), fine, but if it was regular? No. That's not what I want from my marriage.

Other people are different, of course, but I don't think he's wrong to want to actually live with spouse and spend the majority of his evenings etc. with her.

@Mlouisede
Amsterdam will put you in a different league. Continental management methods and attitudes are different. It would be worthwhile at the same salary.
What languages do you have OP?

It seems pretty obvious to me that he means he won't see her or spend time with her regularly so it's just like being single or dating again.

Honestly, OP - there was some serious drip-feeding there; you are protesting at so many posters having criticised your DH's position (the "come on girls, do better" remark was a rude way to respond to posters who are trying to be supportive of a young woman who appeared under pressure not to take an important career opportunity) but you did not initially share all the relevant information. The additional context does make the position look somewhat different. It is hard with an opening post to fit everything in but I think you might have got more nuanced answers with the additional information you then gave, as demonstrated by your own reaction. The fact that your DH left an excellent job in France to move to London and be with you does put a different complexion on matters, as does the fact that you instinctively see him visiting you more than you visiting him. In his shoes, I would be pretty pissed off with you. That said, if you do have children, it will almost certainly impact you more - at least initially - and therefore, I think it still makes sense for you to take this opportunity before children come along.

I actually think this is a tough decision. It sounds like a great opportunity with potentially beneficial long term ramifications, and if both of you are on board it could be a fun, exciting adventure for a year. But on the flip side, he's not on board, and, to be honest, you are opening a window into the unknown. One year postings have a way of stretching out, distance isn't always, but can be a negative in relationships. Lopsided rather than mutual decisions can lead to resentment on both sides.

I wonder if this is a situation where a few sessions of relationship counselling might help? Having someone neutral and not emotionally invested to mediate might help channel your conversations into more productive ones?

It will be amazing for your career.
It will let you bank some shared money for later in your lives/family.
It's just a year.

I'd absolutely go for it.
If it was the UK to NYC I'd be less enthusiastic, but Amsterdam is basically just a commute away. You could easily see each other every weekend. And/or meet in 'halfway' places like Paris or the Normandy coast, or Antwerp.

It’s only Amsterdam. I worked in Prague for 6 months and came back most weekend. It took longer when I worked in Southampton to get back to the Midlands, than it did for the short flight from Prague. Amsterdam is nay bother, easy trip.

Congratulations on your promotion. I hope you accept.

I was saying that even though I live with my partner, we're both less fortunate in job terms. Long hours, little cash, little prospect of improving our position.

So it isn't as if living together means more quality couple time.

A £50k-£100k step up would mean a big difference to the OP's household longer-term.

This puts a completely different context on things.

With the extra context in mind, I'd say it would be much harder to negotiate a job opportunity like this when you're a mother.

I can see why you feel like he's already sacrificed for you by moving his work to London, however he had a choice, and he chose to do it. Furthermore, you didn't sign a contract that said because he made a sacrifice for you, the situation can never change again.

As others have said, it's a quick plane hop back and forth. After the year is up, you will be in a fantastic position to start a family, and I would imagine if motherhood made you feel differently about your career, you'd have more flexibility to reduce your paid workload.

Also, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Well it’s not obvious to me (as your definition is not what I view as living like a single person / not what many other married people who have this set-up view as living like a single person ) so I would like to know what he means. Not what it means to posters on MN.

But OP has said she would not want him to do it if he got the same opportunity in the future.

Echo the others. Do it!!!!! Before you have children. If he is the right man for you it will work out and if he isn't it's best you find out before you have kids. I think you'll regret it if you don't. Please grab every opportunity you can while you're still young and childfree. Don't be like me, full of regrets now I'm older 🤗

“If they had children” is a very important caveat which you omitted.