AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

Whatever else you, or rather dd, do see if she can defer her place for a year. That means she hasn’t lost the place, she can decide next August what she wants to do.

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They teach us so much

The quiet wisdom of the years,
  old wives’ tales whispered
  over cups of tea,
  recipes measured by hand,
  remedies brewed from faith and wild herbs.

They show us strength,
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They teach us how to make ends meet,
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They love us, fiercely, softly,
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Because grannies
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Congratulations granny @Postmanpatri 💐

I'm with you, I'd be devastated too. She's still living you, and in a relationship with a nice guy, but their both young, haven't experienced much real life yet, so relationship might not last. This is probably wrong decision...hope it end up well.

Its perfectly fine to call this situation "unplanned".

@Postmanpatri honestly they sound like a really mature couple with real commitment to their plans.
No point in starting teacher training this year but at her age deferring for a year or two will not be a big deal. Private music teaching pays well and is easy to fit around a baby if DH/family can take over as it's generally evenings/weekends. I did it for years very successfully.
And if she opts for primary teaching the world will be her oyster as a musician!
I'd view this as a slight deviation from the intended path and nothing to be devastated about. They sound really impressive tbh.

I can understand your sadness.

In your shoes, I'd sit them both down and ask for their plans about housing. I'd have done this before they got married, tbh, but that ship has sailed

Your daughter would be very wise to stick to her plans to start teacher training and to put the baby in childcare or see if the husband's parents can babysit. She might be able to take a leave of absence from her course, but she should aim to return asap.

Thank you everyone, DD and I just went for a little walk and had a chat.
She told me they have about 12.5k in savings as she was never spending her full maintenance grant/loan while at uni and was keeping money back and her husband has been putting in £500 a month.
She said she doesn’t really want to rush to start her teacher training or go back to studies/work after the baby arrives as she wants to be able to give as much as she can to being a mum in the early days and feels she wouldn’t be able to do either well if she split her attention.
I have told her she has my support. She seems a mix of terrified and excited which I’d say is probably one of the more common feelings to a surprise pregnancy!
I feel a bit better now.

Why aren't you excited to meet your grandchild?

She has a degree, teacher training can be deferred a year I assume?

It’s not the end of the world.

I have a friend who got pregnant 3rd year uni and had the baby a few months after graduation. She took a temporary job for a few months then some time off with the baby, then went back to a “proper” job when her baby was about 9 months old. She’s now got 2 more DC with the same Dad and they’re still married. She is really happy with hindsight that she had her DC younger than planned and she can focus on her career more now that she is still only in her 40s and kids are 17+

Much better to have your children young and get that out of the way, then focus on your career, steaming ahead whilst your contemporaries are starting to get bogged down with nappies, broken sleep and toddler tantrums..

She’s bright, she’s a go-getter and yes she will get on and achieve lots in her life and be a great mum as well.

Being devastated is simply a reflection of what you wanted her to do and when.

How long does she classify ‘the early days’.
Because she won’t be able to sit back playing yummy mummies for years on end.
She does sound sensible enough but yes I would be disappointed

When you look at your beautiful grandchild, you will not feel this way.

I had a baby when I was in college, although I was living with my now-husband at the time .

It was a few years of roughing it. Now we're doing well. I work in the medical sector, I have many patients who are of a retired age. They are desperate to have grandchildren or even for their children to meet someone. It's not going to happen for them.

You will get to enjoy being a young grandmother.
Your daughter has married the love of her life and had a baby with him.
This baby is a blessing.

She sounds like an absolutely lovely young woman, honestly you must be so proud.

Your daughter has a degree; she can always go back to teaching... they are crying out for teachers! She is also in a happy marriage.

First grandchild, how exciting :)

She'll be just fine, try not to worry.

I got pregnant at 21, I was also on the pill, in my final year at uni, and I wasn't married. That baby is nearly 16 and has a wee brother too. I've got a good job that I love and am still with their dad. We've got a very nice life!
It hasn't always been easy, we were pretty skint when our children were little but we've both always worked and we got by. We had a bit of family support, but have always done everything for ourselves, we don't rely on anyone else.

My mum probably had similar feeling to yours, that's natural, but she absolutely adores her grandsons and is very proud of me and what I've achieved.

Starting young means my mortgage will be paid off by the time I'm 45, and my children will be nearly grown. It's not the way everyone would choose to do it but I wouldn't change it.

The only thing I would say is being a 21yr old mum can be a lonely place when all your friends are at a different point in life.

Eh??? Surely, getting married at 20 and a baby at 21 is the complete opposite of ‘sensible’ in this day and age with decent contraception available?

I’d be devastated too in OP’s position.

So will she live off her husband's income and have nothing of her own? Or continue to work in a cafe for presumably minimum wage?

She'd better hope her marriage doesn't break down in the early years otherwise she would be a single parent with no profession or career and it would be so much harder to do PGCE then.

How long is she planning to be a SAHM for, What's her 5 year plan?

As pp said, it might be hard for her when she's at home with a baby and her friends are doing different things. She might also find it hard at baby groups etc when other mothers are likely to be quite a few years older.

She can continue to tutor right thru pregnancy.
She can establish a mini music type class for babies when she has hers
All seems fine

No, but I trained in a core profession with a 1year old and also pregnant. I did assignments in my evenings and whenever I could fit it in. It involved completing a masters alongside working full time in my profession. Similar to teacher training except mine was a masters not a postgraduate certificate.

I know 3 teachers who did teacher training either just before or just after having a baby. I'm not saying it's easy but this young lady worked through university to save for a deposit, so I suspect she will be okay.

I think it's unfair to decide she won't be able to do it when it is manageable. Lots of people do very complicated jobs and still manage to have children. Let's not rule out this young lady just because other people struggle. I certainly didn't save for a deposit at university so she's already much better than me so I certainly won't be playing fortune teller.

@NameChangeScot So you think this DD and her DH will get a mortgage? On what earnings? A coffee shop assistant? What deposit? It’s just so different now. It’s foolhardy not to have a career before dc. And a bit of self employed baby music really won’t get a mortgage!

They both sound hardworking, lovely and very sensible too. Ask her to make some enquiries about deferring her placement - it would give her more time to decide what she would like to do longer term. People are always looking for private music lessons in the interim - one of my daughter’s friends makes a good living from it. Just float this idea before they buy a house as an extra “music” room could be beneficial. You are full of worry just now as you had pictured her immediate future being different but the excitement over a new grandchild will come. I wish you all a happy future 💐

With a music degree, in Scotland she may be able to train and register to teach primary school as well as Secondary (worth checking with the GTCS). This may not be what she wants of course, but primary school teachers get variety and to teach various creative subjects, so it may suit her.

I’m guessing you haven’t read all my comments.
Where we live 2 beds are about 120k-150k, with some in the town her husbands parents live in just 10 minutes up the road at 100k.
They have 12.5k saved and her DHs parents have offered them 6k. Her DH makes 35k, did an apprenticeship so no student loan.
DD makes £13 an hour at the cafe doing 20 hours a week so call that £13000 a year before overtime is added in, then she tutors on top of that.
In much of the county they wouldn’t stand a chance, I know that, but we aren’t in an expensive part of the country by any means and they don’t need to rush out of here, I’m happy to have them if they need/want more time to save.

OP has already said her daughter saved up most of her deposit while she was working at uni, and that they live in a very affordable area of Scotland so can afford a 2-bed.
There is a lot of jealous older women on Mumsnet isn't there. I think this young couple sounds more mature than most people in their 30s and clearly have it planned out. Good for them I say.

I don't agree. Physically, 22 is a great age to have a baby and you can be a teacher at any age.