AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

YANBU. Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt, if she was just going to get married at 21 and have a baby a few months later...
What a liad of nonsense!
The degree doesn't expire after a year! She will always have that.
You will get loads of posters saying they managed to achieve a very successful highly paid career despite having a baby at 20 or so, but in the real world, most women won't.

Those that are motivated usually manage to achieve. Sure, ive worked with many families that have needed support but there often there has been no encouragement or work ethic there but when a young adult wants to achieve they can. I have seen many young people that have had children when they wrre 16 , 17 and 18 and have had so many ACEs do incredibly well by the time they were 22/23. Their star continues to rise.
There is no reason, from the information we have that the Op's daughter wont do well.

I wouldn't believe her when she says the baby 'wasn't planned' either.
It was.

It's amazing that you have an insight to the young women's sex life and know exactly what has gone on. Quite incredible in fact!

In 2026, there is absolutely no need whatsoever for a woman to get pregnant 'accidentality...'
of course not 🙄 It never happens and it will never happen again to anyone! ( sarcasm, just in case)

You can have a baby young and still have a brilliant life. She will be in her 40s and in her prime when her kids have grown up! She will have her freedom again in her forties. It's not as bad as it seems :) xx

I had my DC in my early 20's. I was married, we owned our own home (mortgaged) and both had decent jobs. Was it ideal? No. I missed out on being a young adult and really getting to know now-ExH properly before committing to having children with him. He was more than a bit of a twat and our marriage ended when DC2 was 2 years old. Did I muddle through? Yes. I'm now approaching my 40's with a solid career and the prospect of my teenagers flying the nest while my friends the same age are dealing with babies and toddlers.

Your DD's relationship sounds pretty good. I'd encourage her to start the teacher training so it isn't so daunting to return to after maternity leave.

I have two colleagues of similar ages. One has a 4 year old, one has an 18 yr old.

The one who had their child young is doing better with their career than the other. Not by much, and they’re both doing very well - but having a child means you take some time out. When you’re young, fit and motivated youve got the opportunity to minimise that impact in some way. Sleep deprivation isnt going to hit her in the same way it does someone older. She’ll have had a baby and got her degree in the same time frame plenty of others take to get their degree.

When your DD's baby is starting school, she will only be 26. Even if she waited until then to do teacher training, she'd still have a long career ahead of her.

I wouldn’t be devastated . My DD got pregnant at 16, my granddaughter is now 21. I wasn’t devastated. There are much worse things.

My youngest daughter died at 21 years old ( 21 months ago)

Now that was devastating.

If it’s any consolation the people I know that had babies young (17,21 and 22), who are now in their 40s are the most organised, efficient and consistently employed people I know. Having a child young means they have energy and have no option but to crack on with things. She can defer teaching, teachers are always in demand and she will have term time off. For you this feels disappointing, for her it sounds like she is getting everything she wanted, and what many people want but don’t get - a degree, married, a future career, a baby, and a mum who wants the best for her.

It’s not about women being able to work, it’s specifically about teaching.

Are you a teacher? Because I am, and it isn’t in any way family friendly in the early years. During my PGCE and my early career, I was out of the house from 7am to 7pm. And then I was working probably another hour when I got home and half a day on weekends as well. That was what it took to get all the planning, marking and paperwork done. That’s not very family friendly.

Teachers aren’t in school over the holidays, but are often working for several days of them. And obviously you can’t do drop off or pickup to school as you need to be at your own school, so you spend a fortune in wrap around care (assuming you can get it!). And then you won’t necessarily be allowed time off for your own children’s school events. Also, none of the nurseries around me offer term time places (except 9-3 preschools but that doesn’t work around teaching either) so you end up paying for loads of childcare you don’t need.

The vast majority of my friends who became parents later in their career (when in theory the work-life balance is better!) have only felt able to work part time. Many of them were refused the option so either quit or burn out, and those that do part time still work the same hours as a non-teaching full time job but only get 3 days pay.

On what money?

OP it may seem a bit young but she’s married and past uni. Joinery is a good solid career. She will be just fine. Try to feel lucky you’ll be a young granny. I had my kids quite late so if they don’t have kids in their 20s I will be pretty old which does make me sad (not that I’ll ever let on to them that I feel that way)

She sounds brilliant @Postmanpatri and you should be very proud of her, and her DH.

They can almost afford their own house, are in a stable relationship, support you, and in a few months will have a beautiful baby. Moreover, she knows what she wants to do career wise and can fall back on private teaching instruments while tiddler is small. I mean. She has her life pretty well sorted by most people's standards.

Count blessings, rather than potential losses. Life is too short to worry about the what ifs. And most importantly enjoy your new grand-baby. How incredibly special is that?

"she was anorexic as a teenager and her cycle has never been regular since"
Between this and the fact her husband is a lovely boy, id be genuinely delighted for her!

Im sure she worried about her fertility.

Congratulations!

That's very good money at his age, and in a few years, if he wants to, he can set up on his own and make more money that way. I'd be thrilled if my daughter married a joiner - especially in the age of high unemployment and AI.

Like I mentioned above, they have savings. DD has been employed consistently since 16, working in a cafe and tutoring in both of her instruments (piano and clarinet). Her husbands finished his apprenticeship and earns well for our area.
In our village right now there are multiple 2 beds for about 120-150k, so a 10% deposit is 12-15k and her husbands parents have offered them up to 6k in help. I don’t know exactly how much DD has in savings, I know a fair bit went on the wedding but she said she thinks they have enough it will just be finding somewhere, mortgage etc.

Her husband is a grown man, not a boy. They're adults, not teenagers. If they're happy, then that's the most important thing. They sound very sensible.

She has a degree. She has a partner in work.
It could be so much worse. What is guaranteed to make things worse is if you express jf you express one ounce of disappointment that your expectations are not being met. They need positive support. Good luck to them.

I can understand why it doesn't seem like the best timing OP.

But it's also not the worst. She's finished uni, her husband is working.

I got married and had kids in my 20s. Then built my professional career later, when the kids were at school.

I don't have any regrets about doing it this way round. It worked well for us to have them then. Had lots of energy for the toddler years and then freedom in our 40s!

I’m finding this is increasingly common. My friends daughter was pregnant at 18, baby at 19, married at 23. They are very middle class, mumsnet would love them 🤣 detached 4 bed house in a very desirable south London area, professional mum and dad. My niece has lots of friends who have chosen to ‘have babies and get married in their early 20’s. Those of us in our late 40s and older, the ‘have it all’ generation find these young ones putting family first a strange concept. They’re having children in their prime, their children will be grown up before they’re in middle age.

21 is very young these days and they are not very mature in my view. They could have waited and certainly done more effective birth control. Yes, it’s too early and a bit sad. She will find it much much harder to study with dc and certainly working as a teacher too. Why did they not work and set themselves up like everyone else?

For a start her husband isn't a boy.
And devastation is for when the worst happens not for when a precious baby comes into a loving family.
She's young enough to have the baby, become a family and still have a good career -if that's what she chooses.
It's not your choice or life but it's your daughters choice so if i were you i would make the best of it and welcome your precious grandchild when it arrives.

MeetMeOnTheCorner
This is the thing, none of my nieces friends are struggling, they’re all flourishing. They all have supportive parents young enough to help with childcare whilst they return to education or get their careers off the ground.

I just want to say OP that I married my high school sweetheart and unexpectedly fell pregnant a year after graduating uni (as also living at home! We moved out soon after having the baby). 15 years later DH and I are happier than ever, own our own home, both have successful high paying careers and 2 happy and healthy children. We have absolutely no regrets, it’s actually worked out really well and we have so much more to look forward to as we enter our 40s. If they’re a strong couple and hard working they’ll make it work. I found getting pregnant really motivated me, I was back at uni for my masters when pregnant with my second. There’s something to be said for being in your 20s and full of energy! The thought of it all exhausts me now ha. Just to give you some positivity. Living in an affordable area really changes things I think, it’s why we weren’t held back too much.

You've interpreted those stats wrong.

It's not for every 100 pregnancies 1 was conceived due to contraceptive failure.

Taking the condoms for example:

Its for every 200 times people shag using a condom correctly 3 pregnancies will occur.

The reality is alot of people don't use them correctly so failures happen more often than the 3 in 200.

Those are very different stats to your interpretation.

And, it's entirely plausible that the pregnancy wasn't "planned" but they were negligent with their contraception which increased the odds.

Her teacher training will wait. The timing, in my opinion, is perfect, as it means she can have the latter half of her pregnancy free, and 6 months with baby if she defers her training a year until next September. She may of course decide to take more time at home, which is also fine. We don't always plan for these things, but once they happen, we have to make the most of them. There's no point in wasting time and energy feeling devastated.

There are plus points to having kids young, too. She will still be young when s/he starts school, which would fit well around her chosen career as a teacher!

Yes everyone thinks you only work 9 / 3 and look at all those holidays 🙄