AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

Yes, my late husband was a mature entrant to teaching - would have been in his early 30s when he finished teacher training in Aberdeen.

I know several teachers who married men who were joiners, plumbers, etc.

Speaking for myself I suppose I have stayed largely within a working class community, but with a foothold in a middle class lifestyle if that makes sense.

It sounds like she really wants to have a baby. The career can wait. She sounds lovely and wise head on young shoulders - likewise your son in law x

I'll add that a joiner will probably finish up making more money than a schoolteacher.

My friends a teacher her DH an electrician. He earns more than double the salary of his wife

Yes. When the topic of uni came up in the staffroom, many of my colleagues were advising their children to take apprenticeships - that included the headmaster.

Even if this young woman waits a few years before teacher training and starting to work, she could be teaching for the best part of forty years. She doesn’t sound the type to opt out of working.

They sound happy and sensible. It may not have been their plan, but they sound excited and dealing with it in a mature way. I'd be excited too! I had kids mid thirties and wouldn't necessarily recommend it - I'm 50 with teens, menopause and ageing parents. I think iI\d be pleased if my kids had kids earlier than I did - IF they were in the right situation, which is sounds like your DD is.

35K is a great salary for early 20s! My DH is 60 and doesn't earn much more than that as a social worker. Your DD sounds sensible - do encourage her to develop her career, even if it's hard with a baby.

I'd be far more concerned about her wish to be teacher than her being pregnant tbh!

Even if they got ‘overexcited’ and didn’t put a condom on (if that is what they were using), still makes it an accidental pregnancy. Even if they were using the pull out method, while that is risky, it is still an accidental pregnancy if they weren’t planning on getting pregnant

shes 21 not 16
her life will just maybe pan out in a different order ie kids first career later

What do you do? You be there for her and support her.

Why would she be throwing her life away? I was pregnant as a teenager, and a single mother 2 years later. I am a Dr now, successful in my career, my child has grown up and left home, I have paid off my mortgage and I only need to work 3-4 days a week, yet I am only 50. I am really happy and living a great life. I have about 2 months worth of holidays a year. I don't see how all that falls under the category of throwing my life away, just because I had a child when I was 19.

Can I just add a bit of realism here?! A self employed building services contractor pays ALL their own pension contributions. No great teaching pension at 60 for them. You need 3 years books proving taxable earnings to get a mortgage. You get your own work. You price work but you might not get it. You have no employment rights. No maternity or paternity pay worth having. You don’t work, you don’t get money. Teachers, quite simply, have none of this. Heads earn over £100,000 and get huge sums paid into their pension pots by us. So a big renumeration uplift. Few electricians or joiners get anywhere near this.

Some people need to understand we all mourn, in every sense, be it the literal sense of a soul departing or in this case, the vision OP had for her daughter.

She most likely thought her daughter would have big plans, travelling, work/career, going out before settling down a fair few years from now. It’s OK for the OP to mourn that vision she had because that is not the path her daughter chose.

OP do you think the marriage was more pushed upon from the now husband?

Honestly some of the negative people on here. And we wonder why our birth rate is falling. Celebrate. I wish I had had children younger 💐

Still waiting to hear what your high flying career was?

She'll work it out. Let her be. She's married now.

The fact she is so young, and has a degree, means she has everything ahead of her. Some people get a foothold on their career and then have a baby, some people have a baby and then got a foothold in their career. You clearly care about her a lot, and have a stable home for her to fall back on if she needs it. You're not unreasonable because she's your baby and you want the best for her, and by 2026 standards this is young. If it makes you feel any better, my parents were 16 and 18 when they had me and they were a lot of fun ! I went the opposite way and had my first at 35. Both worked out well. Your daughter sounds hardworking, sensible and determined. She will be fine as a person in her own right. And any child is lucky to have those qualities in a mother.

Not everyone is interested in being a barrister...some people are quite happy working at a supermarket or a coffee shop. We need people in these jobs too!

With menial jobs you just go in and do your shift and go home and don't need to think about it again until the next time you're in. For some in society that's enough.

You don't get it. In certain parts of Scotland saving up for a 2 bed property isn't that impossible. Her DD and DH will manage fine. Most likely ex local authority properties. Nice first time homes.

There's a huge problem with violence in Scottish schools. Teachers are frequently assaulted. Schools are not allowed to exclude violent pupils. Special needs children are in mainstream, which causes lots of problems. Plus the curriculum is awful. The job is well-paid, but it's far from being a dream job. It's also quite difficult to find work as a teacher (presumably because it's well-paid).

Being self-employed has huge advantages. You can't be sacked, for a start. You don't have to take on work or customers you really don't want. You have flexibility over when you do work. And you can earn very well, rather than working for someone else who pockets most of the money you bring in. A joiner is unlikely not to get enough work, and is likely to be able to go back into employed work if they want to. A joiner is at much less risk of losing his work to AI than most people. Jobs in Scotland tend to be badly paid, and self-employed tradesmen can do very well in comparison.

Fuck me this post absolutely drips with misogyny.

OP it’s not the end of the world and it’ll work out fine. I don’t understand the posts about how ‘proud’ some would be of a child doing something as basic as getting married or saving for somewhere to live…….it’s incredible to me to wish that one’s child’s life and goals are just so so small from the outset……but this is just one part of life and if she’s a high achiever and hard worker she can still expect an interesting and varied life that includes the joy of a child.

If I’m honest and accept the flaming - I’d be more disappointed an academically high achieving child was pursuing teaching!

We all have our own ideas but it’s your daughter’s ideas about her life that count.

If there is a stable relationship, I think there is a lot to be said for having kids then career.

It's fairly common for that to happen anyway. I stated work and did it for a number of years, had four kids who I was able to spend the esr, and then changed to a related career where I've gone up to a senior level and will have 20 years in at 65.

A lot of people have two or even three distinct careers.

As a previous poster has stated being a teacher in Scottish primary and secondary schools poses it's own set of challenges....I know of at least one who was assaulted whilst she was pregnant for example. Just something to bear in mind. Working in a coffee shop could be seen as a breeze in comparison....

The self employed joiner I know of locally has 11 children....it cannot be that badly paid for the Woodsman 🤣