AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

This is v similar to my life. I deferred teacher training for a year - now much older but a deputy head with an amazing 14 year old. She will be fine!

@Clonakilla getting married and having children aren’t basic and small things, and it’s very dismissive to say they are. There’s not much bigger in life than having children in terms of what it has to take out of you so let’s not pretend it’s a small thing, if it was OP wouldn’t be worried. Not everyone wants to go be a lawyer or a dr spending years training, society doesn’t need everybody to do that. What matters is that the DD is happy and carving out the life she wants for herself, not living a life other people are expecting her to have (such as chasing money or whatever else). Yes plenty of women do make it an aspiration to be a mother. I think that’s what the OP can be proud and happy about, that the DD is building a life she sees fit.

Hm, there is a real air here that your family and my family may be from very different parts of society. I don’t own a home, I’ve never got married, no one in my family (including nieces/cousins) has ever been to university before, I’ve never left the country nor had my parents (DD has many times now).
These may seem like very small things to you, but for our family they are massive, so yes I’m going to be proud of my DD.

@Postmanpatri So why are you so surprised at DDs choices then? It sounds fairly normal for your family. You have not had high aspirations so enjoy being a grandma.

She can do the teacher training any time. She has her degree. Be happy that she's happy

I really don’t think you understand. My DDs dad walked out on us when DD was 6 years old, he paid maintenance intermittently, I had multiple health struggles through out her childhood including cancer. Between my mum and I we got DD dance and piano lessons as that was what she wanted, we didn’t have a car between us so would bus between them. DD was then given a place in her school wind band. From there on I’ve watched my DD work her butt off to do what is maybe normal to others, she didn’t get tutoring at any point but still left school with 5 highers at A and 3 Advanced Highers at A.
Im so proud of my DD for braking the cycle, my lack of aspiration as you put it for myself, doesn’t mean I wanted the same for my DD, much the opposite actually.
So yes I’m surprised as DD has done things no one in my family has done before and I wasn’t expecting it. Lovely commenters here have pointed out this doesn’t have to be the end of the road, so I feel much better.
If you don’t really understand what it’s like to have to break the cycle or do for the first time what others take for granted as the only option or a normal option, you really don’t have to comment.

People are saying they'd be proud because she's saved through university and her and husband will be buying a house at 21/22. The average age to buy a house in the UK is 34.

Not everybody has come from a place of wealth and privilege. People underestimate what it is like to be the first one in the family to attend university. To go to open days and not know the different terms and lingos, to start and for many to be surrounded by students who have been to private schools and parents have paid all their fees and expenses so they can just concentrate on their studies because they'll be given a deposit for their house by their parents.

So yes, working class kids going to uni and buying a house at 21 and in a stable relationship, IS something to shout about.

Also I don't understand all the sneering about being a teacher. Not a single person has become successful in life without a teacher. You weren't born reading and writing. Have a bit of respect.

So yes, working class kids going to uni and buying a house at 21 and in a stable relationship, IS something to shout about.

I'm not sure it is. I would have been mortified if mine had got married, and tied themselves down with a child, and had a hefty mortgage - at 21. There is SO much more they could do with their lives first. Why the rush? They've only just left their teens! Settling down so young gives you a life of domesticity and drudgery now until their mid 40s! As I said, when they're barely out of their teens. Your 20s is for having fun, not being tied down with a mortgage and kids. (When you're barely out of your teens.)

Not being funny, but getting married and having a baby and getting a mortgage: none of them are really high achievements or anything to 'shout about.' I'm not saying it's bad to do this, but they're not great achievements either. Pretty much anyone can do all 3 quite easily.

Getting a University degree is an achievement but the OP's daughter is going to struggle doing that now.

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If the average house price where they live is £120-150k and her husband earns £35k, that is not going to be a hefty mortgage is it. I suspect once she's trained as a teacher they'll be doing very well for themselves and probably will pay off the mortgage within ten years or so.

You'd rather yours tied themselves down with a hefty mortgage at 35? What so they reduce the chance of ever paying it off? Not sure that's the gotcha you think it is.

Not everybody has the same start in life.

@GoldenSandy Unfortunately being a teacher is no longer a respected career by so many, and this filters down to the children. The disrespect was one of the many, many reasons i chose to leave primary teaching after 22 years and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
I have advised all three of my children strongly against it, but I am confident it is not a career option they would even consider.

@GoldenSandy

I'd rather my DC had a mortgage a bit older than 21 yes. (And didn't tie themselves down so young!) And statistically they will be on far more money in their mid 30s than they will be at 21. And I would not like to live in any house that cost £120K! Where on earth do you live @GoldenSandy that had houses THIS cheap? Where I live, 2 bed terraces start at £250K!

I'm not sure your silly house prices are the GOTCHA you think it is!

And as for classing £35K as a good salary. The mind boggles. Good luck to anyone living on that with a mortgage and kids!

And you don't have to 'have a good start in life' to not get pregnant at 20-21!

Good grief, back to the drawing board for you to try and articulate a better argument!!!

I can see you're projecting, so I will leave you to it....

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Id not have expressed it like that poster- but it's biologically more likely to conceive as a younger person and not everyone can conceive later. I don't disrespect any persons choices around their fertility or otherwise and Id always say where there's hope don't give up- just do be aware of biological reality. That's not misogyny.
But it's not the only path. I agree with that.
@Clonakilla I'm interested - genuinely- in what you think is a better career for a music graduate than teaching. Given there' s a child to consider.
I used to think a career like teaching was a pinnacle. And I still think there are many massively gifted people doing that and it'd be a shame if they stopped to - idk- run a supermarket. But I see the toll on the teachers and others in ' human' professions.
But what is your idea of a better pathway?
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The trouble is that we're living in the Age of Stupid.

Which means, among other things, that the "well-lettered working man" is now almost entirely extinct as a species.

(Being a weary auld wumman, your friends may have managed to marry this type before it died off?)

And which then means that if you have any interest in anything cultural and intellectual, marrying a working class person means that you will, most likely be quite mismatched.

Not that being "middle class" means that you automatically are well-educated or curious about the world or have anything much going on between the ears, but I think there's more of a chance of that happening that with a working class person.

And being not just a graduate but a music graduate, the OPs daughter might well have some spark about her.

Just to stress, this is not a judgement, just an observation. And from what the OP has said, I think there's a chance that they'll have a happy life together. I just hope that the daughter gets to meet her potential and is free to pursue her interests without being weighed down by the community around her, including her new husband.

The OP lives in Scotland and has said the houses are £120-150k.

I live in the home counties. House prices where I live are generally £700-950k for a 3+ bedroom family home. 2beds where I live are certainly not £250k. Couldn't get a small flat for that here.

I'm not sure why you think I'm projecting. We bought our house for £850k and both earn six figures. I'm not a snob though and am able to recognise what is a success for others.

One of my best friends had her child at 21 years old once she'd finished her university qualifications and gotten married. She went on to have a career despite being an immigrant with English as an other language, and her husband did really well in his career too. They bought a modest house and paid it off early. Her child was an adult by the time she was 40. She and her husband were retired by the time they were 50 and have been travelling the world ever since with a home here and a second one in her home country. Sitting here in my 40s with primary aged children and the prospect of working well into my 60s I can't question her choices! Good luck to your daughter, I am sure she will be fine.

What do you mean you wouldn’t want to live in a house of that worth?
Ex Scottish local authority homes are often more spacious, have proper gardens etc. Than classic English terraces?
What would you like us to do? Make the area more expensive so you would be willing to live in it?
I’ve added the ONS data on our area, not everywhere is as expensive, that doesn’t make it a horrible place to live.

@Warmlight1 I agree with that poster - and I was a primary teacher for 22 years.
My sons have had far, far more opportunities academically than I ever did (better schooling for a start) and I would want them to aim as high as they can possibly go. Eldest is at uni studying maths and economics and hopes to go into banking of some sort. I am confident he will do incredibly well for himself financially, without the horrendous stress and burnout risk that teachers are increasing having to face.

Houses for £120K in Scotland that are perfectly fine as a first time buy:

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73543109/?search_identifier=db646feedef00ced66a00192e60a7d8fe10bcda815627c469b46b77cffe24d5d

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73941168/?search_identifier=4e0a380320cc83202af2989213b04bf335208637a4dd7c98047837705544cdc0&featured=1&utm_content=featured_listing

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/property/scotland/?price_max=120000&price_min=120000&q=scotland&search_source=for-sale&pn=3

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73490685/?search_identifier=6ca749b67e55668fb35ce1ea6be93ed8b0c4d28eb8a502d6d091780e0f40e41d

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/property/scotland/?price_max=120000&price_min=120000&q=scotland&search_source=for-sale&pn=5

There are also dozens of fixer-uppers at that price point which shouldn't be an issue when her DH is a joiner.

Well, I’m now 66, so…

Yes, I come from a working class background where literature and music were both appreciated.

Mind, you I see many supposedly middle class people now who only seem to have an interest in decorating their homes and acquiring designer clothes and accessories.

So the higher aspiration would be financial.services?
I know a very successfully woman who moved from that into teaching- because she found it more rewarding. But financially- I've often thought- financial services are the way to go. If you are numerate.
The OPs daughter has a music degree though, so highly skills based. And probably more enjoyable?

Agree entirely!

@Warmlight1 Absolutely. He will be made financially and not having to privately rent like his old mum. Perhaps he can buy me a house one day hahaha 😆
I would avoid teaching in schools at all costs. Would never return.

Yeah, so what if you can get a house for £120K in parts of Scotland. (Apparently.) Doesn't mean it's a great idea to tie yourself down with a mortgage and kids at 20-21 years old. I'm not changing my opinion and views. I would have been mortified if mine had got a mortgage and had a baby at 21. I am entitled to say that.

Anyway @Postmanpatri YOU are the one saying you're devastated that your daughter is pregnant at 20-21, and being tied down with a mortgage, when you believe there could be so much more for her in her life..... Have you changed your mind and are suddenly OK with it?

Weird thread. In the real world, very few people will want DC getting pregnant and having a mortgage at 20-21 years old.

And shocker > I AM from a working class background, I know, unbelievable right. I should be fine with my DC just getting pregnant at 19 and getting married at 20. 🙄 Honestly, this place sometimes!

I'm out. I'll leave y'all to it.

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Out of curiosity, if you believe teaching is really to be avoided, what ideas do you have for someone with a music degree to do instead?
She has a first class honours in Music, Advanced Highers in Music, French & English. I’m happy to hear suggestions?