9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

[NotsureifIwantsummertobeoverornot]

Dd usually plays with a few children from our neighbourhood at the weekend. She’s just been to call at her best friends house. He said he can come, but only when he’s finished doing the housework (mum, dad and him seem to be cleaning)
Do you do this with your Dc, it seemed a bit sad for him or is it in fact good to start children early?
How much tidying/chores etc do your children do, of a similar age?
I ask Dd to tidy up after she’s had toys out and to tidy her room. Sometimes she does it without issue, other times arguments/complaining.

Where do you stand on this?

@NotsureifIwantsummertobeoverornot yup I expect my 3 kids (age 10 to 15) to help with housework. It's a team effort.

Once it is done they can go out. If they leave me to do it on my own it will take ages so its in their best interest to help!

My kids have helped since they were 3!!!

Mine had daily and weekly chores from a young age but I'd be lying if I said it was much work or was done without an argument. They would argue that's it's work when mostly it was undoing a mess that they created in the first instance. From about 10 it extended to general family duties. A weekly job included vacuuming the stairs. We have a hand held light cleaner with a suitable attachment so it would literally take 4 or 5 minutes and I'd always set it up for them. Sock matching was an easy weekly one, I believe kids can do this from about 3 because a lot of their pre school activities involve matching. Of course they will make a million mistakes but that's ok. Since youngest is 12 cleaning the bathroom is on the rota, usually done badly with an argument but it's their bathroom and I should not have to go there. Daily tasks were things like emptying the dishwasher first thing and refilling and putting away the breakfast stuff. Sweeping the kitchen area and wiping the table after dinner. That's one task each for 3 children so each only taking a few minutes and all contributing to the daily household. Everyone has to help putting away groceries after a shop or putting their dirty plates in the dishwasher. I have other paid bits for the holidays like a cleaning the front door or outside window sills, all small jobs. I write a list and have a small payment beside it and they can choose which one they do. The laziest one gets the least appealing jobs. I still have to supervise and nag and occasionally after days I have to say no one leaves the house or plays or has screen time today until this is done. Only one of 3 actually does it without causing drama. I do so much else, their contributions are tiny overall but if I don't push them on this I am no more than a slave to them and they will grow up entitled and useless.

In twenty years time his partner will be thankful that he has learned to clean, tidy and pull his weight in keeping a living space habitable.

Respect to the parents, because I'm certain that jobs like cleaning windows and taking out the bin would have taken a fair amount of supervision the first few times to get a decent result - I think I would have been guilty of "it's just quicker to do it myself". But teaching beyond "pick up your own toys" - these are real life skills.

Every family does things the way that works for them. It’s not sad at all that a 9 year old contributes to helping tidy the house with his parents.

Sensible parenting. At 9, my mum wouldn't let me go out to play with a friend who called round because I had to peel the vegetables. My mum was sensible too.

Yes, the difference is they're raising a responsible and well adjusted child by the sound of it.

It's sad that you think this is sad.

Is it ever too young?
My DD is 4 and from a very young age (because it's the only way to get anything done) she has "helped". She now has a great grasp of jobs first, Fun after.
I don't make her do anything wild but she is fantastic with a feather duster to be honest 🤣🤣

Does your 17 year old do their own washing, make their own bed, cook simple meals for themselves and friends and family and clean up after themselves, know how to clean a bath/ shower/toilet, know which day the bin men come, keep communal areas free of their personal clutter?

if you answered no to any of those you have frankly failed as a parent. Those are simple life skills that everyone needs to be able to do. You are doing your 17 year old no favours by not teaching them how to take responsibility for their environment, their personal belongings and their cleanliness.

Yes, I agree, his dad also seems fantastic in this sense too

Im 56. We had the same. Now all 5 of us have an idea about what is needed to run a house. We knew we had stuff to do. We got it done

Not at this age I didn't and my parents didn't make me. Although my best friend was never allowed out until she had done all her chores and sometimes it was late afternoon before she made it out to play with the rest of us.

At this age, let kids be kids, and go out and play with their friends.

When I became a teen my Mum used to give both my DB and I chores to help with which we had to do before anything else. Both of us just did them, most of the time without argument, although I do recall one time my Mum chasing my brother down the garden with his football boots after he refused to clean them himself 😂

When my own girls hit the teen years they were asked to help more , mostly keeping their rooms tidy, emptying their bins, clearing up the bathroom after themselves and they were asked to take it in turns to wash up/dry up after tea (no dishwasher) Occasionally we would ask them to empty the recycling etc. We were lucky in that they both just chipped in and helped out without too much of an issue and no sulking and pushing back.

There is a time to teach them responsibility and how to do chores but 9 is a bit too young IMO.

Mine are adults now but we used to write a list of the tasks that needed doing and everyone got to pick 1 or 2 tasks.

Then everyone mucked in and the housework was done pretty quickly. Some grumbling but no real pushback as it was clear and fair to all.

Given mum and dad are also doing housework it seems like they are following a similar model. Great team work and showing how everyone can do their bit.

They won’t become magically house proud adults just because they learnt to clean a toilet at 8yrs old!

Maybe his parent's aim isn't to turn him into a 'magically house proud adult'?

Just one that appreciates he should pull his weight.

Unlike far too many MNetters husbands.

I never had to do this when I was little. I really REALLY wish I had, and formed a good habit, as I don't have any instinct to clean or tidy. I sort of don't know how to clean. I can wipe things up obviously, and wash dishes, but I have no concept of what needs doing around a house, or what sort of schedule to have, how often is expected etc. I have just been diagnosed as ADHD, and having been made to form the habit as a child I might have at least counteracted some of my now lack of order.

Flipping great, all parents should do this.
Hopefully this young boy will grow up as a gentleman who knows how to look after himself as well as not expect any future partner to do it all.

Grew up with a mum that would rope us into helping, age 9 is not too young, not at all.

My child is four and of course she helps sometimes it might be more of an opposite but she thinks she's helping and it's getting that into her from an early age. We won't be doing chores for cash I tell her we all live in this house and benefit from it being nice and she accepts it.

The whole family does 45 mins on a Sunday (youngest is 9). Keeps things bearable with just laundry, kitchen and maybe a pick up/hoover in the week. Big jobs like windows i do myself but I don't work full time. If I didn't I think the kids should help.

It's definitely a good idea to do tasks alongside your children to reduce nagging and resentment.

At this age, let kids be kids, and go out and play with their friends.

No-one's stopping him from being a kid.

No-one's stopping him from going out to play with his friends.

Yes this is what i’m divided about. It would be sad for that best friend to lose out on that amount of playing at that age in my opinion

There seem to be plenty of lazy men around who don't do any housework, probably because mummy was running around clearing up after them. Their future w/p then end up on MN complaining about them being lazy and how their mil still does everything for her boy who reverts back to being 10 again in mummy's company and won't back his wife up when mummy slags his wife off for the fear of upset mummy.

This is a good idea

We did not make ours do chores because being a child is the only time in your life you don’t have to. This was our choice for our children, I’m not saying it’s a universal choice that’s right for everybody.

However, they were expected to pitch in if asked because that’s part of being a family. So they did learn all the skills when it was needed.

The only exception was that in Y13 they were taught to cook supper once a week for the family. As they became more confident I stepped by. This included picking a recipe, cooking and washing up - the whole process bar shopping because we menu planned for the week (they’d have to ensure they asked for the right ingredients).

I can honestly say they are all perfectly capable adults and it worked for us.

I’ve learnt from from my mistakes. I didn’t expect my eldest 2 to do anything beyond tidying their room. It backfired big time! They are both quite inept as adults (both over 20) and their rooms were digsusting and so with the younger one I am giving chores, not regularly but I make sure I talk about everyone benefitting from a tidy and clean house and I like them to see the cleaning so they know what to do. It’s a bit like cooking, someone needs to teach you to a certain extent.

Unless he is being forced to clean the house alone with a toothbrush while his parents are knocking back beer and watching the telly, Roald Dahl- esque, then yes it’s totally fine that he is helping and learning skills - one of which is that fun stuff like going to play with a friend has to wait until the chores are done.

I’d be taking a leaf out of their book, myself.