AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

People can have seemingly illogical attachments to people from their past even if it doesn't seem on paper to be the most 'significant' person from their past. But we're humans, and our emotions can be complicated things. Maybe it's time to let the friendship lapse, she has her feelings and you have yours and both are entitled to feel whatever way you're feeling. 🤷‍♀️

I agree.
To me, dating a friend's ex seems bit 'incestuous' to me but others may disagree.

No advice really.

I keep saying people change because people change between the age of 18 to 36. There is no hidden meaning.

They broke up because he wanted to focus on his undergraduate as he wanted a masters scholarship and to go later do a PhD in America or Australia and wanted to just focus on that instead of having a girlfriend. I think at the time he just wanted to to focus on his academics which I guess paid off as he did just that got a PhD in America and did his masters in Australia. He was 20 years old I think he’s allowed to choose to do that.

I’ve had a couple of early exes marry friends. It was nice to go to their weddings! Couldn’t be happier for them.

You keep mentioning that she doesn’t know him anymore. Is that the issue? Has this come up? The only people that I would have an issue with my friends dating from my past are people that I don’t think were particularly nice. Has she mentioned something like that to you?

I also think it would be crazy to not go on a date with somebody because a friend said they wouldn’t be comfortable because they dated that person 20 years ago. I think you’re allowed to make that decision for yourself. And I guess it’s good she didn’t say that then because you’re marrying him not and I’m sure you feel it would be a shame to have not started this relationship.

And were they very serious? Was it a love of my life 18 year old relationship? If so, I can imagine that would be hard for her. Not your fault, but I can understand that it would be awkward. She needs to get over that but I think I would try to be understanding (just not pander to it).

YABU thinking your friend needs to let it go and that you need to feel guilty. Neither of these things need to happen.

However, YANBU marrying a very old ex of a friend. You may lose the friendship but such is life.

Sounds like she may have been hurt at the same. Maybe she saw it as a ‘forever’ relationship, and he saw it as a ‘now ‘ relationship and/or realised she wasn’t the one he wanted to live happily ever after with.

I don't really get what she's done wrong, unless you've missed a bit chunk out of your post OP. She's not asked you not to marry him, she's not called either of you bad people, she's not said she hopes it ends badly, she's not even expressed disappointment that you're together.

She's just expressed surprise that you're getting married. Why's that bad, it is surprising. Most relationships never get to that point.

Yes, she probably is a bit weirded out by it. But that only has to affect you if you want it too, it's not like she's pushing her feelings onto you.

so ex boyfriend in their teen years? I mean by that definition, I can beat that. I married my sisters ex. She was delighted, thought we were an excellent match which we were.

They broke up because he wanted to focus on his education and did not want to have a girlfriend. At 20 years old that is a fair decision to choose to focus on your career ambitions. I think you’re thinking too into it. Im using change because she thinks she knows him but she doesn’t know him. She’s knew him for 2 years out of 36 years of his life. Those 2 years were over 15 years ago, which is why I am saying people change. I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago.

Yes, I couldn’t discern any objection from the friend, just lack of enthusiasm st the most really. It feels like a rare case of the lady (OP) protesting too much. Or bring economical with the actualité.

She asked me why I’m marrying him and told me how she didn’t think the relationship would last, saying she misses him, she has not seen him in over 15 years. That is irrational. In those 15 years, she has married, had children, and now divorced. I don’t think those are real emotions. I told her before we’d even met up, she has had 4 years to be honest with me but chose to hope that the relationship would fail … who does that! Those were her words she didn’t say anything because she thought we wouldn’t last. Now when he’s proposed is when she has an issue. If she’d have been honest at the staff I might have not dated him, I barely knew him, there wasn’t any attachment but I think after 4 almost 5 years there’s attachment there.

It is a valid reason to break up. Any reason or no reason is valid to break up.
But when you keep bringing up that he has changed, he is a different person and how she doesn't even know him anymore makes it sound like him changing is relevant to the story.

When I read the title I was thinking it was rage bait but having read your post OP I think you have every right to marry him guilt-free.
You told her straight up which was very kind of you. Twenty years is a long time and when I think of these university romances I think more about the friendship circles that they are part of. She should really see him as an old friend at this point.
I think if I had a problem with it I wouldn't dream of saying anything and certainly not refer to him as "my ex". I have secondhand embarrassment at the thought.

I'm so pleased all your friends are happy for you.

Unless he treated her really awfully and it's affected all her relationships since then she really needs to get a grip. Even if that was the case, people aren't the same people as when they were teenagers. Hopefully they've grown up!

You are a good person to tell her and to be concerned enough to ask on here too. Hopefully she has enough time to get it together and be a good friend before the wedding. Just continue to be graceful. I've known couples who have got married and had kids, divorced and then moved on with one of their best friends. And somehow they've all kept it together and remained good friends.

If he was her first real love I can see her perspective to some degree. But. The but being it's now umpteen years later and she needs to get to grips with the fact that everyone - including her - has moved on.

College love is a whole different thing so I actually get it, you’re around each other all the time, no responsibilities so it’s all carefree and lovely. We always had a rule nobody could date exes which does sound batshit but weirdly makes sense too! But it’s too late now anyway

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who couldn't be happy for me.

What the hell does she mean by "she misses him"? She doesn't even know him! He was a teenager when they dated.

YANBU. One of my DH's mates married C, who DH dated in his teens. We all get on well and there are no issues.

She feels how she feels and you can't change that.

It was a 2 year relationship 20 years ago so I think she needs to try harder to get over it.

But so do you to be honest.

You both sound quite dramatic and like you want to think every detail inside out.

Just marry the bloke and she'll either come round to the idea or she won't.

No need for so much hand-wringing considering you cannot change her feelings 🤷‍♂️

I was brought up by my grandma who always said 'Alte Liebe rostet nicht' - old love never rusts (I found out later the real phrase is not nicht, but nie, but never mind). So I really don't know. At some level it must hurt, if a person is not like an emotionless stone, she must be thinking 'what if it were us'?

God she's really trying to make you feel bad here.
I think if 15+ years later, and after a marriage, she's still thinking about a teenage romance then she needs to see someone.

My first love who I lost my v-card to was lovely. We had a great first relationship, and then parted ways for university. We had a lot of the same friends so would see each other occasionally in our early 20s and uni holidays as a group and a couple of times went for drinks after work just us to catch up when it had been a while. I think fondly of him and if one of my friends was to randomly now meet him and fall in love I would be very pleased for them as I think he would make someone very happy.

I am one of those people tho that if I bumped into most of my exes and saw them also married with kids I would almost certainly suggest all grabbing a drink and having a catch up.

There's one exception who was a nasty piece of work. But the rest all lovely. And I'm sure we weren't always perfect to each other and made mistakes but decades on you forgive each other.

Thinking more I don’t think if my friend came to
me and asked to go for coffee with my significant to me ex I would be happy but I think I wouldn’t be able to say you couldn’t either as that would have to open up a whole can of emotional worms and clearly showing I still feel a way about him.

So her agreeing but hoping or thinking deep down it won’t come to much was a kinda logical decision I guess.

My significant ex is still well and truly single never engaged. While I like your friend married with children.

So he finished with her. And he was her first love. You can see why she might be a bit upset.

Understandable but she could have told me this when I first came to her to let her know that we’d been talked for a week and are meeting up for coffee. That was her queue to say she’s not comfortable with that. I would have let it go I had not attachment to him but now 4 almost 5 years later it’s an issue ? As if I don’t love him now and have an attachment towards him. He’s not anyone’s property.

It’s not for you to say what’s real and what’s not. And what’s rational: “the heart has its reasons reason knows nothing of”.

Given that he ended it, he may be for her “the one that got away”. She moved on and married someone else - but that didn’t last.

If you think he’s great enough to marry perhaps she felt that too, and still does to some degree.