Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

Well that went well! Her reasoning has led to a family feud. Much better to say nothing. She may change her will for some reason anyway.

Yes I agree with this. It’s going to cause hurt. Just because of money ,I’d tather leave the bulk to the children and an equal gift to all the gcs and step GCs I understand that she perhaps worries that her bio grandchildren though the sister will perhaps come out with less but perhaps they benefit from having a close relationship with 3 siblings and I wouldn’t want to upset that in any way.

My thoroughly indecent parents willed their little estate (mostly a medium-sized detached house, as we weren’t well off at all, in terms of cash in the bank) to a local housing association my father had helped set up in our parish for those pretty much shut out of the housing scene due economic pressure.
It’s still going, well over 60 years since it began.
The house was sold and the ££ went straight into the charity.

In fairness, my brother and I had been brought up knowing such a thing was probable, absorbing from a young age that inheritance was something Ma and Pa were against, ideologically.
I know all this is an unusual attitude and don’t hope to sway anyone!

I do have similar feelings myself though, and I have to admit it’s largely based on revulsion at all the entitlement and the frequent inheritance avarice one hears about.
Not to do with this thread, but all the offspring urging ageing parents to downsize in order to free up a large chunk of ‘their’ inheritance really make me see red, for example.
Similarly, those who moan about mum and dad dating to enjoy cruises and other indulgences in their retirement, spending the inheritance their offspring are eager to obtain: all the greed turns my stomach.

It’s also not fair that they should get less on one side if they are also going to inherit from the other though, and people always use that as a reason to deny step relatives on MN.

My DSD is in my will to be treated as a bio child, and the same for her stepdad on the other side. That means she’ll inherit more than her siblings, which many see as unfair. Her siblings have all grown up in houses with their parents together in loving marriages, living in one home, one could argue they have an advantage in that sense? You can’t make it equal in these situations but you can make it as fair as possible.

She may also spend it all on care!

Are you OPs sister?

For those posters talking about blood/biological grandchildren, how would you treat adopted children?

My step grandad didn’t leave anything to us (me and DB) nor his 2 stepdaughters. We weren’t expecting anything. Same with step grandmother.

My stepdad says he’ll leave money or whatever to me and DB but we don’t expect it. He has brought us up from young kids though.

I feel really sad about it. My brothers child, my niece, also got her A levels results yesterday and my sister hasn’t been in touch with my brother or niece to say well done so my brother and SIL are angry about that.

All of the bio grandchildren know about the will, I’m not sure if the step children know. My children have chatted with their cousins about it and they’ve all just said they don’t want to think about granny dying. My sisters children get on with their step siblings but they’re not as close to them as they are to each other or to their cousins who are all close. They’re all still very young adults so aren’t really thinking about their futures in terms of money and inheritance. They all agree that granny should do what she wants with her money and can see that she doesn’t know the step children as well. They’ve all agreed that the disagreement won’t affect their relationships with each other which I’m glad about and they’re seeing each other and gaming together as normal.

Easily! It's not worth people relying on or getting angry about an inheritance until the person has died and their estate been wound up.

That’s entirely up to you. You can’t expect your family to do the same.

SDGC are getting less here because they are SDGC. She is being kind and including them. They don’t have to be treated the same; she may not see them as the same at all.

Again, it’s not for wider family to ‘equalise’ or ‘make fair’ for SDC. Any unfairness is the result of their parents splitting, it’s not on anyone else.

I really hope not. 😳

Adopted children are not analogous to stepchildren.

How would I? No idea, haven’t ever been in the position to find out. Not that it matters, because each individual has the right to decide for themselves, no matter what others may choose to do.

Adopted children are the same as biological children, why does someone always seem to think this is a gotcha on these threads? Adoption makes them your legal children.

SDC are not the same as either of these.

I have seen threads where grandparents don’t treat adopted children the same as biological children especially when it comes to money

Actually it seems sensible to me.
We don't know the ages involved but if, as the mum says, her children are financially secure then it makes sense to skip a generation. This is why it's a good idea to give your adult children money when they are younger, when it's more use to them.
An alternative to what the mother has done would be to split it between her own offspring and they could vary the will to pass it on to their children.

I fully understand why she wouldn't want to leave her money to some unrelated children.

Well yes, one time things can happen. It’s a completely different situation though. This is about step DGC. They are nothing like adopted DGC.

Are your sisters biological children going to inherit anything from their step-siblings grandparents? Presumably not. So unless your sister is also asking the other step-grandparents to include her (non-biologically related to them) children in their will then she's being unreasonable and is actually creating a situation that is treating the children in her family unit unequally, even more so if it were evenly split. The step children will get something which is generous of your mother, and then when the step siblings inherit from their own grandparents and her biological children do not she will have to explain that.

Regardless, no one is entitled to be left anything at all and should just be grateful for whatever they do get.

My parents had it written into their will that my sd should not receive anything. It all goes to my children if I die first so this clause was necessary. My sd has her own family to inherit from, she’s a part of my family but I don’t expect my parents to treat her the same as their four grandchildren.
ultimately it’s up to your mum and your sister is behaving badly

They all agree that granny should do what she wants with her money and can see that she doesn’t know the step children as well.

That's a little distasteful. The children are being dragged into an adult discussion and justifying it. I'm sure they are all agreed, seeing as they benefit. A little empathy would be nice to exhibit.

My DS won’t inherit from my DH’s mum, and I wouldn’t really think it would be right for him to. She already has a load of biological grandchildren.

I asked my DM if she would skip me in her will actually, and leave my inheritance to my DS as I would rather he benefited, and she said no. She wanted to leave her assets to her children.

We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

I would never do this to my sister, it's basically the same as "I'm alright jack".

The least I would have done is have a word with my mum and tell her designing the will to ensure less value was placed on two of her children was always going to be problematic in their family, and if it made a difference you would be happy for them to get a 9th share instead. You don't have to ask her to change anything to just give your simple opinion on it (assuming you felt that way). I would have then gone back to my sister and a told her what I thought and what I had said, but ultimately it's your mums decision to make and you don't think anything you say will make a difference.

As it stands you have done nothing, and are not going to voice an opinion on it to your mum either, even if you feel a certain way, which you do.

I could never do nothing when it involved my sister and her children, even if ultimately I thought whatever I did would make no difference, I'd at least be empathetic about how they felt at a bare minimum.. not just shrug and say 'not my problem'.

No, it’s respecting her mother’s right to make her own decisions, and not co-signing her sister’s demanding and entitled behavior.

That the sister feels aggrieved does not mean the mother has done anything wrong at all. She hasn’t.

The kids haven’t been dragged into anything. They have just accepted it and don’t want to talk about it as they don’t want to think about their granny dying. They were informed and accepted it. When my sister caused a row, they spoke about it once in a group chat.

It’s just a fact that my mum doesn’t know the step children as well, as they spent most of their time with their mum. My mum did used to invite them on holidays with the other children but they only chose to go twice, preferring to stay with their mum or have time with their dad without the other children. They’re just young adults and at this point in their life, they aren’t thinking very far ahead.

Doesn't this mean the step-kids inherit twice? Once from their natural parents and then from their step-granny? That hardly seems fair.