Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

My friend is the step child in a situation identical to this. She has money likely coming from her other set of grandparents so it wasn't so much the financial side, and she could see the logic, but it did sting.
I think she tried to think of it as a purely financial decision considering her "extra" set of grandparents, but I think she always wondered if her situation had really been taken into account or was she really just getting less because she was viewed as less deserving being a non-blood relative.

I haven’t RTFT but have read all of @DogsInThePaddlingPool posts and some responses.

I think I’m in the minority here as I think what the Grandmaother has done is perfectly fine - maybe because it’s her money to do with as she chooses.
What is wrong with leaving your estate to your blood relatives??
@DogsInThePaddlingPool your sister chooses to accept her step children as her own -that’s her choice. Your mum -who hasn’t got a blood connection and has seen them maybe a couple of hours a month - does not have to accept them as her own grandchildren. And let’s face it - They aren’t!!
Your sister is a fool. Imagine falling out with her own family over this. I suspect her husband maybe dripping poison in her ear. I hope his parents leave your sisters kids equally in their will -or will they too favour their biological grandchildren?

My stepfathers mum didn’t leave me a penny - I had no expectations either that she should until I read this thread. It has never occurred to me! Why would I? She wasn’t my granny!
Your sister is greedy. She chose to marry a man with children - her choice.
What your mum does with her money is her choice and I really really hope she does not get bullied into changing her will.
I Love the ‘Noted’. She sounds great.

I think you’ve made a massive mistake telling the children they are due to inherit. They sound like they are just coming into young adulthood and I don’t think need to be thinking there is a sum coming that will bail them out (different of course if it was imminent).

I think this highlights the challenges of skipping a generation. Family dynamics are much more likely to be a bit more complicated, uneven numbers of kids mean you either give more to some families or some kids get more (I think you can argue both cuts are fair but inevitably someone loses out). In your sister’s case she obviously sees her step kids as being equal to her other two kids. That can be a massive blow if the family don’t see it the same. She also then has to deal with them having differential lump sums coming their way and deciding whether to try and persuade her biological kids to equalise or not. Either way your mum has given your sister a complication to deal with.

The difference between an equal split of 9 and something of 7 plus a token will likely be significant but I’m not sure it’s worth the consequence of a family feud. say the estate is £700k - a split between 9 would be £77.7k each versus say £20k for each step child plus equal split of the remainder (roughly £94k for the biological kids). It obviously depends on the estate and the planned legacy for the step kids but they could all be getting a sizeable chunk regardless of how it is split.

This is a mad, obscure comment. I have no clue what OP should do or have done differently. Even if she thinks carefully and calmly, about your 3 points.

The sister brought the complication on herself by getting into a blended family situation. This is the crux of the issue on all these threads; one person does something and just expects (demands in many cases) the rest of the family treat them the same. No conversation is ever had with wider family upfront to see how they feel.

Ideally your mum should’ve split her estate equally between her 3 children. This way your sister could split her share of her inheritance between her bio and step children (but now I’m thinking her husband is stirring the pot and being grabby)
I’m not sure I agree with skipping a generation and passing things on straight to grandchildren, esp if one sibling has more children than the others.

OP - you mentioned that your sisters step children only spent one weekend a month and holidays with them - this doesn’t strike me as a close blended family. So why is your sister pushing for these children who they only saw approx 12 weekends a year to be treated the same as her own children? Also will her own children inherit from her husbands side of the family? (From what I’ve understood your sisters husband is stepfather to her kids)

OP you asked whether you are being unreasonable and whether your mum is being unreasonable. You don't really think either of you are being unreasonable and won't hear otherwise. You hide a bit behind the 'I don't want to get involved', 'it's not up to me', 'my brother says', 'my brother feels'. Maybe you should try being honest with your sister about how you actually feel. It's not just that you don't want to get involved. You actually don't think your mother is being unreasonable. You don't think of her stepchildren as her children, you don't think your mother is unfair and that is why you are not prepared to say you do.

It's a shame your sister didn't send a message to her niece with regard to A levels if this is something she would have done under normal cirumstances. I don't see why your sister should have got in touch with you and your bother over you sending a gift to her 18 yo child though.

I think you sound very measured.

I wonder if DSis husband's parents have said they will be splitting their inheritance to steps and bio evenly? And that might be the pressure?

I was just thinking that this would be the best thing. They now get nothing because of their SMs ridiculously childish behaviour.

Nothing is stopping your sister making up any shortfall out of her own pocket

Your mother is right both because it is her fucking money and she should do whatever she wants with it, and also because she owes nothing to randos. Apologies, if the biological families of those step-children are going to leave a lot of money, and have made it clear, and have made provisions for that, to those grandchildren who are biologically related to your grandmother - in that case, equal amounts for everyone would be fair.

Sorry, forgot to add, if the ungrateful bastards are already kicking up fuss (through your sister) along the lines of 'not enough' - then she should change her will and leave those step-grandchildren fuck-all. What is the point of leaving them even £2.50, if they are going to be 'not enough' ungrateful anyway?

P.S. There is not even such a thing as a 'step-grandchild'. It does not exist.

Dsis is well out of order. Absolutely no excuse trying to recruit other family members into this.

DM showed a great presence of mind; I think she’s had the measure of the sister. Greedy, demanding and rude.

Why is your sister so insistant? Is it because she views the stepchildren as her own? ( which is to her honour) you say her children aren’t that close to their half siblings yet your sister views them all the same ? Or is there another reason? Your children don’t view the stepkids as cousins but are close to the others ? So obviously they didn’t see much of them growing up.

A stepchild is a rando? How lovely.

Rando to a grandma! Not to the parents, obviously!

Would you be OK with someone dictating what you do with your money?

I think it’s because I really don’t care what my mother does with her money. I’ve told her I don’t care if she splits it 9 ways but I’m not going to tell her that she has to or else! It’s not my place to do that and I know my mum wouldn’t listen anyway. She ran a successful business, sold it for a shit load of money and is very confident and savvy. She doesn’t need me telling her what she should do. I don’t care and would just like everyone to get on. I don’t really have strong opinions other than everyone should be able to choose what they do with their money.

My sister usually sends a thank you for any gift for the children/step children, even the older ones and then we will have a chat over text or phone. It’s a direct result of this that she hasn’t acknowledged this card and gift. My nephew has sent me a message to say thank you. Her ignoring my nieces A levels is disgusting.

Incidentally, when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren. My sister seems to forget things like that. She’s so focused on the inheritance being different that she can’t see what my mum has done for all the kids including the steps.

I think that adults who use inheritance to show step children that they aren’t really family are being carelessly (or deliberately) hurtful, especially when the children likely don’t remember a time where they weren’t family.

I think my brother in law would cut his family off if they treated his step daughter (my niece) differently to his other child.

This is a good attitude. You're right to want to stay well out of it.

For gods sake - the Op's mother isn't dying any time soon I would assume so this could be in years to come. A lot of the comments are academic as it hasn't happened yet so no help onto the housing ladder, etc, etc, is happening soon. The money is not the Op's and I don't think her Mother is being unreasonable nor is the Op. The only person unreasonable her is the sister.

when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren.

Wow! Your mum sounds amazing, what a lovely woman to do that

I increasingly suspect that this may have everything to do with appeasing her husband. It’s strange that the stepchildren weren’t really with your sister that often, yet she considers them her own. Additionally, her own children don’t like her husband, don’t seem to consider his children to their siblings, and are also baffled by their mother’s reaction.

Did he think that he and his children were going to benefit from a wealthy in law, and now he’s losing his shit because he’s learned that won’t be happening? Is she trying to pressure your mother not because she truly believes her stepchildren to be equal to her children, but because she’s worried that he’s going to leave her?

Agreed. And DM definitely had the measure of him.

That will be unfair on her kids unless she going to insist that her stepchildren's grandparents and their mom also equally share their inheritance equally across her kids and step kids when the time comes? And we all know that's not going to happen.