Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

She’s right tho.
There is a level of malice involved to rewrite a will to deliberately ensure that two children don’t benefit indirectly from their parent.

It’s not the parents money to give them though. Thats such an entitled way of looking at it in my opinion, as if the money is already yours. This isn’t my sisters money to share out, it’s my mums.

If she now treats her bio children differently to favour her step children, then she really is an arse isn’t she.

Wow.. her and her husband are responsible for 4 children between them, if two are given an early leg up to get on the property ladder etc.. do you really think they will sit back and say 'thems the breaks' to the other two they are responsible for .. of course they will end up evening things out, it's natural if you want all your children to do well to give them a leg up, it's not 'arse' behaviour at all, it's being a parent.

There is nothing 'fair' about your mum's legacy, if she wanted it to be fair she would split it 3 ways and wish everyone well.

I can't believe that people don't discuss these things, so that everyone knows the thoughts behind decisions, and if there are genuine reasons to re-think, there is time for the grandparent (or whoever) to do so.

My DP told DB and I some years ago that they considered us to be financially stable, so thought their estate should be left to the grandchildren.

We were happy with that, and it enabled our kids to buy their first properties, and pay off some uni fees, at a much earlier stage than they might otherwise have been able to do.

Our two DC are shortly to get married - no grandchildren yet - but we have discussed with both of them that if we decide to skip a generation, their respective DC will each get 50% shared between them. Our DC thought this was absolutely the fairest way to do things.

Talk - so there are no surprises.

But then my mums grandchildren, my sisters children, would get less than my children and my brothers children. My mum obviously doesn’t want that as she would have done things differently.

I suppose the issue is that although my sister sees the step children as her children, they aren’t, and my mum doesn’t think of them as grandchildren. I do think my sister needs to accept that. You can’t make the wider family feel the same. My mum really has been generous in her will to them though.

My best friend has step children, and her husband is step dad to her children. I have spoken to her and her husband about this at length and they both think my sister is wrong and entitled. They treat the children the same day to day, but on things like inheritance, there is a difference due to biology.

What do the step
children stand to inherit from
their own biological grandparents and parents?

And does your sister expect her biological
children to inherit from her step children’s grandparents?

I wonder how the step grandchildren feel here. If they consider their step grandparents equal to their biological grandparents. I wonder if there was no money involved at all, if the step grandchildren would mind being considered ‘only step’.

I'm sure the double holidays more than makes up for it.

A DC and their stepsibling living under the same roof I'm sure have it equally tough at times. Less than ideal for stepsibling skipping between households, but also less than ideal knowing your parent has a kid to someone else.

Also the DC weekly routine will be largely dictated by the routine of the stepsibling. Their routine will just be formed around that.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on inheritance and step children, and that's fine - but its also fine that the OP's mum has an opinion on what she what's to leave in her Will.
For all we know OPs mum may need to pay for care later in life, and then there may not BE any inheritance....

How is your sisters relationship with her partner? These sort of situations scream that she is trying desperately make things equal, perhaps because her partner is unhappy and putting pressure on her due to his kids inheriting different amounts?
When I lived with my ex, I absolutely refused to put his daughter in my will (we were tenants in common, I had a bigger deposit given to me by my parents). It caused no end of problems. It was always been thrown in my face. When we split up he still tried to take me to court for more money than was his.

It's your thread so I'll leave. Fair enough.

But my advice is to think calmly about how this could all have happened if good communication, healthy family relationships, and kindness were prioritised.

Exactly tho, it’s just so unkind and controlling. Instead of just leaving the money to her 3 adult kids as is the norm, she’s thought hang on, I don’t want to risk that my daughter might give some of the money to her step children who she loves so I’ll disinherit her regardless of the trouble that causes.

At least three of the children are very close in age (you say 19 and 20 and presumably 18 if one has just got their A level results). I think it's understandable for your sister to want all of her children to feel that they are equally valued members of the family. Your mum clearly doesn't and has deliberately set about showing that (as is her right of course).Your sister is hurt that you won't stick up for her. I would say give her some time, it's only been a few weeks, to process it all and work out how she can make peace with this because this feels very cruel to her. But you and your brother calling her an arse and deciding you've just found out who she really is etc. suggests your relationship was simply not as close and loving as any of you would have believed anyway,

Your mother should have split the money between her 3 kids and let each of them decide what to do with their share, I think it's awful to treat step kids differently to bio kids.

It's not entitled for someone to want their family to treat their children equally though is it? If your sister treats them all equally, then the rest of you should too, it really is that simple. It's not up to anyone else in the family to determine their 'worth'.

Your mum disagrees, so has written her will specifically to block her from being able to treat her children as equals.

They each have two they’re responsible for.

Such things as financial disparity between children is extremely common in blended families, and is indeed the breaks.

If OP’s sister chooses to pour her resources into her husband’s children over her own then she would fully deserve her children having little or nothing to do with her.

Not in an inheritance conversation they don’t? How exactly was I suppose to inherit from my paternal grandparents who died 13 and 5 years before I was conceived? I had two biological grandparents at the time of my birth.

Out of interest how old is your Mum? Is this inheritance likely to be any time soon?

That’s very true, but if someone can’t treat the children of your family equally you are also at liberty to cut contact like OPs sister. I wouldn’t want my DSD around people who would “other” her for not sharing my DNA and neither would her Dad. Luckily we don’t have this on either side as both my family and her stepdads family aren’t like this!

It’s her money to control. The trouble has been caused by the sister, who thinks she’s the one entitled to control it.

It isn’t malicious to want your own family to be the ones benefiting from your wealth. As it is, the mother didn’t change her will to exclude the stepchildren, she changed it because her children are already comfortable and she wants the younger generation to benefit. Why would it even have occurred to her to treat her stepchildren as her grandchildren when they’re not?

If you make any or all of your children executors of your will, instead of using solicitors, you save massive solicitors fees and lengthy waits for probate etc to be granted. However, if you do this it will be easier for everyone if each executor is given a copy of the will alongside lodging the original with the solicitors. My mum did this for me and my siblings, one was my step brother. We were all joint executors but as we lived in different parts of the country we agreed that one sibling with the best financial knowledge and experience and who was willing, could sort the will with our written permission. We all received photo copies of documents and all received our inheritance which included a house sale within 4 months. But we all knew the contents of the will beforehand and all totally agreed that it was entirely my mother's decision how she had chosen to distribute her money and property.

I can’t see that your Mum has done much wrong here… If hypothetically your sister had 20 step kids such that the amount going to your mum’s biological grandkids had dwindled to nearly 0, I could well see that there would be resentment from the biological grandkids.

Equally if step kids were already millionaires from their side of the family, would DSis feel they should share with her biological kids? I bet the step kids wouldn’t!

My Grandmother is deliberately only giving to her own children, not her grandchildren, as one of her own kids had many more children than the other. I can totally see the fairness in this, as otherwise the child with only 1 child would inherit far less in their branch of the family tree. If your mum doesn’t trust what would happen to it if she did that though, which it sounds like she doesn’t, I think her way is pretty fair really.

She doesn’t talk a lot about her relationship but I know her children don’t like her husband very much due to things they have told my children. My brother doesn’t like her husband either. She could be under pressure from him I suppose.

Don't be ridiculous, double holidays in no way make up for having divorced parents and split homes. Lots of stepchildren aren't even taken on all the family holidays. It's shit being a stepchild, still doesn't mean you're entitled to inherit from anyone.

I don’t agree. Just because someone marries someone else with children and sees them as their children, doesn’t mean the extended family have to sign up for that.

I have friends that used to have step kids, and when they split up, they no longer saw the children. My friends mum got very attached to her step GC and never even got to say goodbye. There is a difference for that reason.

My mum has been very kind to the step children since she’s known them and has included them. She has chosen to also include them in her will, just not to the same extent as her GC.

This makes the most sense. Having been in a blended family and absolutely hated it, trying to make everything equal becomes a constant. My ex-partners son is her mothers only child, she will inherit all of her estate, 1/3 of her grandparents estate, more possibly from her Dad's side. The idea she then needed a cut in mine or my parents money caused so many rows.