Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

I agree it sounds like your Dsis is getting pressure from her DH. I don’t see anything wrong with the will your DM has produced tbh.
She could’ve just changed it and not told anyone about it but not sure if that’s better than you all expecting an inheritance and then finding out you’d not received any upon her death.

You seem to be confused - the question the OP asked that I chose to answer was is the Mum being unreasonable - my view is yes she is being unreasonable she should have left her will as it was - split between the 3 AC.

The question was not Is it OK to dictate what someone what they do with their money? I am curious as to why you are only directing that question at me?

Wouldn't surprise me.

I'm not confused in the slightest
I aimed my post at you in response to you saying the mother should have split it three ways.
No. The mother can split it in as many ways as she likes. It's her money.

Your mother can leave her money to whoever she wishes and has sensibly told her children that she will be skipping a generation, to ensure they don't feel hurt by her decision. Your sister is behaving like a spoilt brat, by ignoring her nephews and neices because she disagrees with her mum's decision. Your brother is right, your sister is showing you she is. Your mum has had little to do with the step grandchildren but has kindly left something to them. They may also inherit from their 8 biological grandparents, does your sister want to demand those GPs also leave identical inheritance to all of the children?

My parents have done as your mum has done, for the same reason and in the same way (telling everyone beforehand so any arguments can be ironed out). I imagine your mum is quite saddened to see her daughter's/your sister's reaction - or perhaps not, if this is in character. We had no equivalent in our family, all the siblings agreed with our parents' decisions.

My view in my family is exactly the same as yours: nothing to do with me, none of my business, I'm grateful for anything that I or my children might inherit, it's not my money to persuade the owner to do this or that with. Luckily, I wasn't called upon to do so.

I suspect this situation with your sister is almost entirely about her relationship with her husband and/or her step-children, and the family life they've tried to build in their home. Blended families are so, so tricky to get right, and the more people there are in them, the more opinions a person will need to consider. She's going to be feeling pushed and pulled in many different ways, and she's taking it out on your (her mother and siblings) because you can't walk away like her husband can and the previous one did.

I'd let her figure it out in her own time. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe she will and maybe it'll all come up again once the inevitable happens with your mum. There are many practical ways in which she can even out any perceived financial difference between her children and her step-children, but in her mind it'll be messy. She too will make a difference between her children and her step-children when it comes to her own wealth. Ultimately, this won't be about money as you say you're all well off. This is about her trying to foist upon her siblings and parent a relationship with her step-children that she's worked hard to cultivate in herself, and which she thinks you can help with by taking them on as you have her bio children. She's finding out that her family doesn't accept that as their role, and she's not liking it.

Just give her time. There's nothing else you can do, after all. Your positions are reasonable, hers is wholly indefensible (especially the way she's treated your son, now who's differentiating between "family" members?).

Sounds like your mum is trying to keep her money out of the hands of your sisters husband.
OP we need a bit more info on how your sisters blended family works - my understanding is that they didn’t spend too much time with the step kids and that it’s the husband outing on the pressure to include the step kids in the will.

With this in mind I know think your mum has done the right thing. After all it’s her money to do as she wishes

@DogsInThePaddlingPool I actually agree with your assessment of the situation and don't think you or your DB are being unreasonable. Nor do I think your DM is either. But I'd cut your DSis some slack here. She's feeling bruised, and perhaps as you've hinted, may even be pushing for this because of pressure from within her marriage. I would just let the A Level gift slights and anything else that you perceive as her cutting you and the others in your family off go for now. If she's still acting like this 3 years down the line, or by the time your DM dies, then I'd say there's a major problem. For now, if it were my sister, I'd just let it work itself into the past as "something that's happened". If you or your DB keep logs of all the things your DSis hasn't done or isn't doing, then it's going to be difficult for her to come back into the fold once she's processed and come to terms with the situation.

Thank you for this, and to other posters who have mentioned it.

My sister never talks about her relationship so it’s hard to know what really goes on. My brother doesn’t like her husband due to things that have happened in the past. I don’t feel like I know him very well, he is quiet other than when he has had a drink.

If my sister ever speaks to us again, I think I need to try to see if he’s pressuring her. It’s so hard to get her to talk about him though and I think it will be even harder now. He definitely likes money and enjoys a nice lifestyle, but if it was a case of wanting my mums money, I would have thought he’d have got my sister to try to get us to tell my mum to change her will back to leaving it to us instead of his children along with the other GC.

Ok. I'll try again.

The Op asked for an opinion, I shared mine - it seems you don't agree with my opinion and that OK.

I didn't say to the OP you need to tell your mother to change the will, I said I felt the mother should have split the assets 3 ways.

Now I'm not sure if you are aware but I have no special powers - I can't change the will from my keyboard, I don't know the Op's Mum or anyone else in her family personally so I won't be dictating to anyone.

Now after alI that I still have the same opinion and I'm sorry if you are still struggling with that, you must have come across someone with a different opinion to yours before?

I think it would be good for you to come to terms with knowing everyone doesn't agree with you but I'm not telling you to do this - you are free to follow your own path as is the OP.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Everyone should be glad that they are being left something; as it is entirely up to your Mum who she leaves what to. Does your Sis really want to fall out with your mum over this?

I have two stepchildren (adults now). They would be absolutely stunned if my mum left them anything in her will. It wouldn’t even occur to them that she might.

Your Mum
hss been very generous and your sister is being selfish and entitled.

I think you’re doing the right thing by staying out of it and supporting your mums right to do what she wants with her own money.

That’s true. Possibly, she may have thought that asking for a share for herself would have appeared overtly greedy, whereas she can present the stepchildren issue as a moral position that has a better chance of swaying her siblings. While it may still be disappointing to her husband, it’s at least something to offer as a consolation prize.

My brother will calm down. My sister is the youngest and he’s always been very soft with her.

I’ve text my brother to say I think it could be her husband pressuring her and he said my SIL has been saying that. If it is the case, I don’t know how we make everything ok. My brother already doesn’t like her husband, so if he’s behind it, he’ll be ready to kill him.

No-one is entitled to an inheritance.

Some people are lucky to have relatives who leave them money, some aren't.

You cannot expect to inherit from someone just because your parent married their child after you were born.

I think it’s probably the husband too. Why don’t her DC like him, that’s really important especially if they have to share a house with him

I think I would stay out of it. Your mum is leaving them something so therefore acknowledging they are part of the family. It really depends on their circumstances but most parents want things to be generally as fair as possible. For me I think my opinion in this scenario would really depend on whether the step children would inherit from other parents and grandparents.

But it's not 2 children ''not benefitting equally from their parent".

It's "2 siblings not benefitting equally from their STEPparent".

It IS different.

That's fine if your sister thinks of and treats all 4 children as the same, but they are NOT biologically or legally the same.

Everyone in your extended family will have their own relationship with DSis SC, but may not think of the 4 children as DSis does, and that is completely fine and perfectly normal.

@sittingonabeach He’s been quite strict with them in the past like if they were 1 minute late home he would ground them for a week, he moans if they have friends over, he has made negative comments about one of their sexualities and claims it’s just jokes and they say he’s moody. Apparently he has days where he tells them to stay in their rooms all day because he wants peace. He goes away with work quite regularly and my kids say they’re really happy when he’s not there.

With regard to step-grandchildren, I think that people do tend to take into account whether or not they will also be inheriting from biological grandparents as well as the relationship they have with them.

I made sure that my step-grandchild got her inheritance from my late husband, but she won't be getting any extra from me. I did always make sure that she had birthday presents, Christmas presents and so on, plus I opened a bank account for her when she was a baby and placed what was then a significant amount of money (for someone on my income) in the account before signing control of it over to her mother.

She'll inherit from my husband's ex and from her father's side of the family. I was never allowed to have a close relationship with her. [Insert the obligatory "I wasn't the OW.] For whatever reason, she was encouraged to treat the ex's three partners as grandparents, but that wasn't allowed in my case. (I think the ex had made it clear that she wouldn't be happy about it.)

Not the grandchild's fault, but she's an adult now and - to be honest - it would have helped had she attended my husband's memorial service in person.

By contrast, my BIL's children were supportive and have made sure that their child at least know who I am, so I'm more inclined to give to them (as well as to my cousins' grandchildren).

I do feel that I'm being mean, but the following has stuck in my mind.

When the ex's affair partner died, he left everything to the ex. Quite understandable, I thought.

The grandchild's parents had a meal out with us shortly afterwards and then came back to ours for a few drinks. After a few drinks, the grandchild's father began to complain to me that no money had been left to the grandchild.

I commented that it was quite normal for the money to be left to a partner alone and that eventually it would trickle down to the grandchild.

The father then said, "Yes, but he should have left something to [the grandchild] because she called him 'Grandad.'"

I remember thinking "Oh. You'll not expect me to leave her anything then."

YADNBU
Your DM is being extremely kind including her step-grandkids in the will in the first place. Many wouldn’t at all.

I also agree with you, that it is your DM’s decision.

You say your DS never talks about her DH. That’s quite a big red flag in itself. I suspect it really isn’t a happy marriage.

As soon as I read the first paragraph it was obvious what this was going to be about. No matter what, step children will never be biological children but why is it not the same as adoptees? Marriage is a legal act, so why isn't it that children who are your partners become step, are just as much yours in law?

Yours as a phrase, not as in yours specifically @DogsInThePaddlingPool .

I agree. The legatees should not be revealed before the reading, after the funeral. Or certainly not when grandchildren are the persons in question, anyway.
I’d imagine many a grandchild would adopt an unlovely attitude in life if she knew she had £50k coming on grandma’s death.

However, leaping over one’s well-off children and leaving the estate to be shared among one’s grandchildren sounds like a very laudable plan.
I cant grasp the objections in terms of an inequitable shareout though (and leaving aside step-children).
If Son X has three bio kids and Daughter X has 5, say, why would the daughter be regarded as ‘doing better’? Surely the point is that the bequests are to individual grandchildren rather than to their families as a single entity.

As for any step-children of her offspring, the grandmother has no reason to bequeath anything equal to her grandkids’ bequests (unless said step-kids have been in the family since their infancy perhaps, growing up alongside their cousins right from the start)
I think as a general ‘rule’ they ought to be mentioned in the will, perhaps with a token more like a memento, maybe something they have enjoyed at her house (set of Dickens/ Encyclopaedia Britannica and a few 100 quid ?)

But representations for bequeathed ££ being made right now by their step-mother, and for tantrums and sulks to ensue, might well be the reason grandma is set against including these step-kids. Maybe she doubts the marriage, dislikes the children’s father, and suspects the worst of him.
She does sound very wise, after all. She has her reasons anyway and shouldn’t be under any such pressure.
This is a good way to see the whole lot go to Battersea Dogs’ Home (huzzah!)

But your DSD IS 'other'!

Take the emotion out of it and look at the facts.

She is not your biological daughter.

She is the biological daughter of your current DH/DP and his former DW/DP.

You may choose to treat her as if she is your biological daughter, but the truth is that she is not. And others may not make that same choice.