Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

I can't work the thread out
What do you want from them op ..
Do you want anything
Are we meant to want things from our parents when we are adults
Mine X4 were pretty crap (,X2 step )
Two went no contact with me when I was a child
And one died , leaving my adult years with one of them.
I look back and wonder why I didn't cut contact..but It didn't occur to me at the time .
Mine gave me no help ,no advice ,no nothing..but I still visited ,sent presents tried to encourage a good relationship with the children..never sent a gift in 20 years of having grandchildren..
But some people just haven't got it in them to be any different than they already are ...I knew my 4 parents when I was a child ,silly of me to think they could change
I am having some mental health problems around these 4 parents,so this is an interesting thread for me ..hope op comes to the correct conclusion for her x

People do tend to go on about this idea that folks walk away because their relative put mayo instead of salad cream on their tuna sandwich one time or some such dismissive guilt tripping judgmental bullshit but ime women dont walk away from their mothers without very good reason.

In fact, more women maintain relationships that are hugely damaging to them because the guilt/fear is massive. So many women who would be much happier if they walked away just never do. They carry on being treated like shit.

So if this is the point that you are at, while it's possible it's you that is the problem, the odds are it's not.

Also, if you dont want a relationship and you are a fully grown woman with a lot of history and the ability to make informed decisions then you owe it to your child to make decisions for them because they dont have that luxury. So if someone is not fit yo be in your life, they should be kept out of your child's

Read the rest of @Getthatnoise posts and you'll see im spot on.
When you grow up with shitty, controlling and/or abusive parents you recognise the patterns and language used to speak about them and their behaviours

sorry to be blunt but they are never going to magically turn into people who are interested in you. They only care about your baby, I would be going extremely low contact and pointing out firmly that they have no access rights.

Without knowing your past problems with your parents, it does still sound uncaring and patronising to bring one portion of food you don't even like, acknowledge that you don't like it, but still insist you eat it and sulk if you don't. That's not okay, in my opinion. Unless they're the type to weaponise it against you, I'd consider being brutally honest. Tell them that you'd like you and your child to have a decent relationship with them, but you're feeling hurt that they only seem to now be bothering with you because you had a child. I'd be clear that you're not interested in eating food you dislike and if they can't accept that and your other choices as an independent adult, you'll have no choice but to cut back on the time you spend with them. Simple as that.

You're probably right that they're making more of an effort now specifically because you had a baby, but I'd assume it's not uncommon for parents to increase the time they spend with an adult child after grandchildren arrive, regardless of what their previous relationship was like. It's natural that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but it's up to you to decide how and when it happens. Unless they're awful, I'd probably want to maintain a relationship with them for your child's sake, but that doesn't mean you have to pretend they're perfect or go along with everything they want.

Actually they can apply for permission to go to crt for access and if they have a prior relationship with the child they will likely get that permission.
Contact is given where the crt seems it in the child's best interest even if its harmful to the parents.
My mother lied to get permission but thankfully the family crt judge laughed her out of crt when he saw my evidence.
But the fact is grandparents can and do take parents to crt over contact with the grandchildren.

You’d be daft to let things slip backwards. You’ve said that they’ve tried to make up for what’s gone on before. Accept that at face value and although you obviously seem to be still bearing the scars, try to leave it where it is - in the past. There’s a beautiful new life in the present now who doesn’t need to be affected by someone else’s past hurts. One thing I feel you are overlooking. You’re getting upset when your Mum asks about the baby. Tell her - but also tell her about yourself! How your recovery is going, ups and downs, what you’ve been doing, what did SHE do when she was at your stage, how did SHE cope. Create dialogue. Ask her to do stuff. Categorically NOT egg sandwiches. (tell her you fu%&#ng) hate them) And don’t forget your Dad. Get him involved, even if it’s only pushing a pram whilst you do something for you. And remember…. Grandparents can come in useful from time to time. I hope these thoughts help you through your emotions. Best Wishes.

Have you been on the stately homes threads on the relationship board

OP, the most important thing is you do not allow their wants and needs to come ahead of you at this time.

It doesn't sound as if they are a source of support or joy.

Your mothers talking of her rights to your baby is a huge red flag and would have me stepping away immediately.

She has absolutely no rights to your child.

I think it might be best to revert to contact as it was before.

Do not be bullied.

We don't have all the history OP, and it just sounds as though your mum is annoying rather than toxic.

And yes she does sound very interested in the baby - but aren't all grandparents, particularly for the first grandchild? And in the long run, it's nice to have as many people as possible who love your child (and who they love - my children loved my mother when they were young - there's no accounting for taste!) and with whom your child has a positive relationship. It won't be a newborn baby for long. Wouldn't you be better just putting in place strong boundaries with your mum?

It’s happened in my family too - I mean grandparent threatening to go to court, as mentioned by pp. Very abusive parent, although according to them they have never done anything wrong and all their children and other family members are all disturbed and making up lies.

Can’t remember my parents ever asking how I am. They just assume I’m okay unless I tell them otherwise because I’m an adult.

This isn't about being literally asked how OP is. It's about her parents not showing any interest in her.
Your parents may not ask how you are but do they ever ask what you have been doing, your opinion about something, how your trip to xyz went, how work is, what your plans for the weekend are? Or do they never ask you anything about yourself and just expect you to talk at them?

Yes, OP could just tell them all about herself whilst getting nothing back, but it makes for a soul destroying conversation.

your parents have never said “how are you? They’ve never asked if you’re feeling better, got a better sleep, are still in pain, had a good day etc? Never once enquired how you are?

Do they also bring you food you don’t like and expect you to consume it for the sake of your child?

so your mother is thoughtful enough to bring you food and visit but thoughtless enough to ask about the grandchild

If you don't like the food, then say oh mum I really appreciate you bring me food but thats not my cup of tea I would rather x or y if you are going to bring me something

reply to the text each time - we are all fine thanks

Tell your parents the type of contact you want and rhebones you don't want. Your mum may not know how to approach you so trying what she thinks is helpful although from your description she needs some direction from you.

You still haven't said what has happened in the past to make things so bad in your relationship with them?

This is it OP. I have the same - my parents were emotionally unavailable when I was a kid and as an adult they don't really know me. I speak to my mum but it's VLC because she just talks about herself and all her regrets.

It's part of why I decided not to have children, because I knew that my dad particularly would pull the same act your parents are doing. They just want the 'line' to continue but they don't give a fuck about what their family members are actually like as people. I also think it can be painful when they DO change and care about the grandkids interests, hobbies, favourite colour etc when they could never be bothered with yours.

You don't need permission to put those boundaries in place, they'll protect you and your DD. Take care, and I admire you attempting to break a cycle with your children 💜

You clearly have lovely parents.
OP does not have parents who would respond sensibly to normal requests.

They aren't bringing her food to be be thoughtful or they would bring food that she liked (and bring some for her partner). They aren't being thoughtful by visiting or they would have visited before she got pregnant and not just because they want to see the baby.

My version of this is that I don't like receiving flowers as a gift. My parents know this and yet they keep giving me flowers. If you say to any normal person that my parents buy me flowers when they know I don't want or like them, they will say, like you did, that they were probably just being thoughtful and you should just tell them you don't want flowers any more.

I have told my parents I don't want flowers. Many times. They do know. If I mention it again and they see that I am bothered about it, I will get even more flowers. And no, they are not being thoughtful, it's a power move which is very hard to explain to anyone outside of the dynamic as it looks like a lovely gesture. It's actually a total mindfuck.

I think you are right here OP.
It IS sad but not all families get on and you are lucky if you do. My own relationship with my parents was frosty to put it mildly and they were more interested in my children. What you are thinking is not petty,its the way things are.

Honestly, I think they sound awful. They are still not really interested in you, only as a gateway to their granchild.
I don't think you should be grateful or happy about this increase in contact.

It sounds like they are not capable of or interested in building the kind of relationship you want. I think, painful as it is, you should go very LC or even NC.

Your M is already talking about her "right" to access to/contact with your baby - that's a huge red flag.

Your SiL complains that they don't follow instructions etc when looking after their children, it's not going to be any different with yours.

It doesn't sound like having a relationship with them is going to be beneficial to your child as it grows up.

Save yourself a lot of future grief and cut contact now.

Sounds like they’re never going to be the parents that you want/need them to be.

So you have to ask yourself.. do you want to maintain contact whilst accepting them for who they are. Or, stop contact because seeing them and the way they behave has more negative impact on you than not seeing them.

Can people just not get on? Why does there have to be a reason?
Some people are hard to get on WITH and most are parents!

I can sympathise with not having a great relationship with parents and limited contact.

One thing I would say, is I think a lot of people do find that the sudden switch to a focus on baby can be quite hard, especially after the focus is on you when you're pregnant. You're already struggling with your identity and struggling to find time to care for yourself etc. as a new mum, people really can be thoughtless.

There is something a bit mercenary about my suggestion - but I would consider sucking it up for now and finding a way to come to terms with the fact that your parents want to see the baby but not you. You may find it very helpful, as baby gets older, to have them onside for some help and support. Just be quite clear that you know they're there to see baby and not you e.g. they come round, you say " great, you enjoy some time with baby, I'll go take a shower and wash my hair as I've not had a chance to do that for a few days". It can be a bit of a comfort if your poor relationship was due to them not being supportive parents to get a chance to take back a bit from them now, and I think over time your feelings can mellow a little if they become good and attentive grandparents.

I'm not saying everything will work out this way, but some food for thought perhaps?

That said - YANBU if you do decide you need to cut contact down for your own sake.

You haven't met my parents...