Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

It's obvious you don't want your parents in your life. So don't. It's as simple as that.

Do you think you need validation of your reasons why, because you don't. It's your decision.

Why would you not let them look after a pet gerbil unsupervised?

Were they neglectful with you?

Op very few people will check I. On you, we all do it- how’s the baby, what’s she up to. As a mum now you have to look out for and look after yourself- it’s nearly the foundation of mn! Tbh they sound fine/ lovely even, but you went lc/ nc with them for a reason so only you know how they are

Actually this does happen. There are threads on here where this has happened to MNers.

I know this because my own parents threatened it and I did a lot of research.

Its really common on here for posters to make these sweeping ‘this never happens’ comments but it does happen.

In the UK grandparents have no rights.

@Getthatnoise yes, go no contact. Sounds like they bring nothing but stress to you.

OP I totally get where you are coming from, I had minimal contact with my MIL prior to getting pregnant, the backstory is that she was mentally and at times physically abusive to my wife as a child. Over the years we have been together (11 years) she has done nothing to help us in any way, and in fact often goes out of her way to ruin or make special moments (like our wedding) about her. She also insulted me numerous times about my weight (Im not even overweight) during my second trimester, again during special moments like finding out the baby’s sex and on Mother’s Day when we paid for and took her to London to see a show (her request).

However, since I’ve entered the third trimester she’s now calling almost daily to check in on me, acting very sweet and supportive, saying she wants to come to the hospital when I give birth, has apparently booked two weeks of annual leave off work for when baby is due so she can come round all day to “help”. I can see right through it and I don’t want any of her help. It’s fake so she can have more access to her grandchild.

There’s an assumption that all grandparents are a positive influence in their grandchildren’s lives and have good intentions etc and it’s just not true. I would never accept any help of her as I can’t even trust her to look after our dog, let alone our child. So I totally get where you are coming from.

Grandparents have no automatic rights but they are allowed to apply to the family court for access to grandchildren and put the family through mediation/cafcass visits, court hearings and all kinds of unnecessary stress and are often granted contact as a result
.

You have a baby. You know what parental love feels like now. I guarantee that your parents love you in a way that is many times stronger than your love for them. If you don't want a relationship then that is really down to you. They are reaching out because they love you and therefore also your child. Children benefit from as much love as possible but if you don't want to have a relationship with your parents take the step and the responsibility.

Grandparents who do no caring for their grandchildren are not “often” granted contact.

Grandparents who play a very large part in their grandchildren’s lives are occasionally given permission to apply to court for contact. It is not a regular thing in the UK for grandparents who visit once a week/month to be given court ordered contact at all.

That is not what the grandparents contact rights are about at all.

Not in the circumstances the Op is in it doesn’t.

That simply doesn’t meet the threshold for grandparents rights (which is a stupid name as it’s actually the children’s rights) in the Uk.

That was a really awful thing to say to the op.

You don’t know her or her parents, you cannot ‘guarantee’ how much they love her.

Clearly the OP doesn’t feel loved by them, or surrounded by love. It is actually possible for parents to do more harm than good. They’re not all loving and beneficent.

It is fairly normal to rebuild the bond with your parents when pregnant, it give you both a reason to bond, obviously there is issues from the past that won’t go away, ordinarily parents do come back into your life in a strong way when there is a grandchild on the way.

YANBU.

This is a power and territory thing.

They are staking their claim to "their" grandchild.

Thank you

What a load of bollocks, are you OP’s Mother!

OP it sounds like they are just using you to get to their Grandchild! You don’t need validation to cut contact.

If they are making your life more unpleasant then you need to reduce their contact. You can have a frank conversation or just incrementally reduce. So go out when they may want to show up. You could also be quite specific. Great you're coming round Mum, I would like you to pop the washing in so I can feed. Also the food thing, I would just give it back to her, literally give the plate back. Sorry mum, I have eaten your egg salad up to now because I appreciate you are trying to help, but I hate eggs so can't accept this.

If they’re reaching out because they love her then why aren’t they checking in on her wellbeing? All messages are “how is baby today?” Why isn’t she bringing food her daughter likes or helping her daughter out?

Op if you feel you can id agree to coffee or park meet up once a week. Give it 6 months. If its not working fade it back

It's not love to complain that your daughter is withholding access to the DGC when she happens to be busy on the requested day. I get where @Getthatnoise is coming from and I think she needs to go NC since they are already making these comments during the EBF period and generally ignoring their daughter's wants and needs.

@Getthatnoise theres no drip feeding in your thread.
Just loads of posters who haven’t experienced ‘bad relationship’ with their parents. The type you can ask for help wo waiting the fall back afterwards.

I agree with @Hoardasurass
They didn’t seem that bothered by the LC before you got pg.
And their focus has been their grandchild, only that, not you. Hence all the calls about baby, food that is good for your milk, therefore baby etc….

So basicaLly, they haven’t changed. Their relationship to you hasn’t changed. So I can’t see the issue with going back LC again.

Another thing to think about is how they were wit you as a child. Do you want them to be around your baby whilst they will carry on behaving that way anyway?

If you did "a lot of reseach" then you must know it doesnt happen in circumstances such as the OP is outlining? I presume it didn't happen to you for similar reasons.

I say this having not seen my dm since 2012...your dc and any dc need a dm with good netal health much more than they need dgps
If they aren't good for you op they aren't good for your dc.

YANBU. I wouldn't want the influence of such a person in my child's life.

OP this is your baby just take a step back. Sooner the better as I agree your mums talk about her rights is a bit of a red flag.

Dont reply to the messages at most a thumbs up - if questioned why a breezy sorry busy day. Do not be available for them to come round more than you are comfortable with and decline any food. Sorry I’ve already eaten or I’ve planned dinner and really looking forward to it so don’t want to spoil my appetite.

If they persist be more blunt - I would like you to have a relationship with the baby but you have to accept that I’m quite busy so I won’t always be free - let’s arrange a day once a month for you to visit or we meet up somewhere.