Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

Normal? To turn up with food your child doesn’t like? That would be annoying and thoughtless from a neighbour, from your own mother? The moment I decided to reduce contact was the visit we had over Christmas, whole family was there and they did a buffet style meal. It was full of all the things I haven’t eaten since I was a child, but that she tried to force me to eat, making me sit at the table for hours, deciding she’d rather I went hungry instead of taking on board the intolerances and textural issues I had. At this gathering she kept offering me plates of stuff and I kept saying “I haven’t eaten that in forever.” Then she exclaimed loud enough for everyone to hear “yes, I forgot just how fussy you were about food.” My teenage daughter, who is well aware of the history, chimed in just as loudly with “Ooh, I wonder why that could be…”

My mother was constantly complaining they never saw my daughter (they live 200 miles away) but whenever we did visit they chatted for 10 minutes then buggered off to the garden for hours. In the evenings they sit watching the TV at full volume, no chat etc. For them it is about the fact we should visit rather than actually wanting to be involved. It’s a controlling mechanism, not because they actually want to be involved. They keep complaining now they never see us.

Sounds as if it would be best for you to go back to how things were.

Can you also meet them out somewhere or go to theirs so that you can leave when you want to`?

Way ott! Are you projecting here?

None of it applies YET I was warning the op not to allow that sort of relationship with her parents and I suspect that its what they will push for

Do you have a good relationship with your partners parents. Are they supportive and are they building a good relationship with your baby.

Honestly, I’d go back to the former low contact. They have a bloody cheek demanding ‘access’ and moaning about you refusing them. The irony of being shit parents but then suddenly wanting contact-are they aiming for a 2nd go round at parenting? Pretty shit of them. Resist your ‘d’m’s demands, she has sod all rights.

Agree here in UK grandparents can't apply for child contact in the Family Court only people with parental responsibility which is mum and dad.

If only. She would have been enraged and given a very plausible explanation to the police! Actually, the police did get involved with her when my children were primary school aged and she began harming my more elderly dad (ie she was a danger). She should have been sectioned, but when she wasn’t drinking she seemed ok (yes alcohol too!), and she is a bossy person and can be very convincing. She had a few stints in hospital but these were sticking plasters. No medications ever seem to have worked either. I spent my childhood and much of my adult life acting like her counsellor and trying to help her. It’s impossible when you have these really difficult parents.

OPs situation really resonates. My mum was a pain like this. I now see her very little and it’s best all round. My kids don’t see her at all.

Oh and she’s tried counselling, ADs, various AA type groups, the lot. We’ve also worked a lot with hospitals, gps, mental health nurses. Just to give you an idea. Anyway op, good luck!

And the key in the link you posted is that the child’s father supported contact with his parents.

So an entirely different scenario from the OPs.

And a ten year old thread with zero outcome and a few very hard to believe posts (it would have been considerably easier for the supposedly controlling grandmother to push her son to get court ordered access for example given she apparently controlled his actions with regard to custody and maintenance) is hardly proof this is what happens

Don't respond, they will get a sense that you are not happy. Cut back contact to what you are comfortable with.

Thing is for the last 5 years I’ve been desperate for more contact with them, they just haven’t been interested. But now I have the contact, so I think I should be happy or grateful but it isn’t the type of contact I want, which is why I am struggling.

Egg salad is healthy. Lettuce, tomatoes cucumber eggs all good for you. What part of it don’t you like? Does your mum know you don’t like salad?

Surely the stress of being watched eating something you don’t like causes more problems to your milk supply that eating something that is supposedly good for you

I don’t understand why your parents treated you how they did if they are so focused on grandchildren. If you want to have a relationship with your gc then you have to have a good relationship with your own children.

Have you pointed out to them that a fresh start means changing their behaviour towards you. Not doing the same things and expecting a different result.

You don’t have to be grateful for your parents ignoring your wishes or treating you poorly.

It took me a lot of therapy to truly accept that I didn’t actually want my parents in my life, I wanted the parents I hoped they’d turn into.

When it came to my parents there was always a small child inside me thinking “what if this time they are going to be proper parents?” and from therapy and chatting to others that is very very common.

It's your life OP. If you want to cut them out of your life, not have them around not respond to messages. Have at it. They don't have any rights here.

The watching you eat stuff is bizarre.

It’s literally in the Op that she doesn’t like the smell and never has.

And it doesn’t matter why she doesn’t like it. She’s an adult. If she doesn’t like a foodstuff her mother shouldn’t be ignoring that and pressuring her to eat it for the sake of her breast milk.

When they ask how baby is reply saying Oh I'm ok thanks but I've not been your baby for a long time or some such, point out that you exist too!

Keep doing it til it sinks in.

Or reply that you were up half the night with baby and very tired, if they ask to come round then ASK for practical help citing that you've just had a little nap, but as opposed to them offering to look after baby then washing the pots or some such would be great thanks!

You want the sort of parents that you see other people have. Those that are loving and supportive and care about you and not just what you can bring to their lives.
Your parents aren't capable of giving you that. You desperately wanted to believe that they had changed which is why you let them in again. You've now realised that they haven't changed. So you are grieving (and it is a form of grief) all over again.

I'd personally go back to how you were, to protect your child if not yourself.
Why do you think your child should have a relationship with people you wouldn't even trust to look after them?

I spent most of my life trying to get attention, approval and love from my mother in particular, but also my father. It's normal for a child to want that, and when it is denied it can be very damaging.
When I had my own children, I thought I would finally have a normal relationship with my parents. I was wrong, of course. Thankfully, the baby-obsessed stage only lasted 3 or 4 weeks each time, and they went back to being fairly indifferent about me and mine, interspersed with occasional demands for contact or support.
I now accept that my parents just do not have what I wanted/needed from them, so they were never able to give it to me. It has helped that they moved several hundered miles away, to be fair!

Perhaps , as she said, she is just trying to mend bridges and I think you should allow her this. Why dont you just talk to her about how you feel. Cutting contact with your Mum would seem a bit vindictive and I do think its very important for a child to have grandparents. Egg salad etc... is not really the issue here.

Can you elaborate or do you just post nasty comments that make zero sense

It’s sounds like there is a whole plane full of baggage around this relationship. The daughter in you wants her parents but you are also very unhappy about the way they treat you and cross your boundaries. There is a third option between cutting them off and letting them walk alL over you. You can decide how you want to be treated and challenge them if they do disrespect
you. For example saying, I’m not going g to eat those because I don’t like them so do you want to take them back with you or shall I compost them. This works so much better if you can stop it triggering anger and resentment in you and keep it calm and firm. I needed counselling in order to do that but it’s actually bloody great fun once you get into it! My brother will never change
And our relationship will never be the one I hoped it would be, but I don’t have to live with the pain of an estrangement and his behaviour towards me has improved and he now respects my boundaries because I have enforced them quietly and calmly and to be honest I think he noticed the change in me and realised I was no longer playing his game and that I might be prepared to walk away!

Well there's a clear indication of her motivation, talking about her "rights" and waving her red flag. The only time grandparents have had access rights is if they have had significant caring responsibilities/contact. quasi parental eg all lived in the same house for years/provided childcare four days a week for years etc. Visits wouldn't qualify. I'd go LC or NC.

Why don’t you try a last ditch attempt to explain what the issues are, before making your decision? Try to word it in a way they can understand. It sounds like they do care but don’t understand, rather than being deliberately cruel.

Of course, it’s not on you to pander to them or to be kinder to them than they are to you. However, if they genuinely don’t understand, listing their faults will just get their back up and lead to the opposite of the outcome you’re hoping for.

As a mother, you know that your child doesn’t come with instructions and sometimes mistakes are made. If you consider that maybe your parents are an exaggerated example of this, it may be a bit easier to work out how to explain to them.

If you do have success with this approach, set boundaries with them (eg I’ll send you photos but can only meet every other Thursday for 2 hours or whatever works for you). Going forward, you can point to the boundaries, if they ignore them or you can choose to expand contact, if things improve.

It’s not your job to parent your parents but it might turn into something that you value. If you really can’t, tell them why, wish them well, and move on.