Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

I hope the baby isn't being drip fed!

Do what's right for you and your family, OP. Stand up to them and say no. It's your life. They've had their turn at childrearing. It's now your turn. Good luck!

So that wont count then in this case will it?

What are you talking about?

A poster warned the OP that if the contact remains regular this could happen. It’s not about the circumstances right now, as you’d be aware if you’d read the post properly.

Here’s an interesting thread, albeit doesn’t give the family court outcome but does describe the cafcass input
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/2604517-Court-proceedings-grandparents-seeking-contact-cafcass-recommend-ever-2-weeks

There are others but I’m not at a laptop and don’t have time to find them now.

If you research MN you will find that - contrary to the glib pronouncements of posters like you - this can and does happen IRL to MNers.

but by that measure you also don’t know enough to say maintain!

I have a mother who, since she no longer needs me to vent to or sort out my elderly dad has dropped me like a stone so a reverse of yours. Irritating.

Having their own baby is often a catalyst to make adults realise that what they experienced from their own parents was pretty poor as they can't imagine treating their own child in the same way. It sound as though this might well be the case for OP.

There are very many parent who may love their children, but don't treat them particularly well. Be thankful that your viewpoint is so limited that you don't realise this.

What the hell is wrong with you? Stupid comment.

I've never really understood trying to smooth things over when you have a baby.

If you don't get on how will a baby change that?

Likely you'll just be ignored for the baby.

Aren't uninterested generally always uninterested no matter what you do?

“Runawaaybaby · 06/12/2024 20:38
Yes UK Based.
I got sent Mediation, couldn't go ahead due to DV, so we went straight to court.
I had to have very detailed discussions, provide proof and we both had to talk to cafcass.
They paid.
Very little contact from birth, think 3 visits between birth and 1 year.
Access was granted as every child has a right to grandparents. (My child already has a massive bond with my mum & dad)
I was advised to think about what I would be willing to offer from the start as i would look like a bitter ex, punishing the grandparents.”

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5224512-mother-in-law-issues?page=3&utm_source=chatgpt.com

This was my first comment.
I later changed it to 'go NC' because it became clear that OPs relationship woth her parents is beyond repair.

Op, I completely get what you’re describing. I’m afraid we are unfortunately (for us) in a minority having shit parents. Most people have (so I’ve discovered, now being a parent!) really rather nice parents, sometimes even amazing parents. so others will see what you write through that lense and they simply CANT relate to, or understand what you’re saying, so they’ll think it’s something you’re doing, which will then make you feel loads worse, and even more misunderstood. ESP if you’ve been similarly blamed or always made to feel bad by your parents.

I completely get what you’re saying even down to the egg sarnie thing. (My mum also used to get me things that were all wrong and while it sounds petty, and we then sound ungrateful, this has to be understood as part of a much bigger picture, where they are trying to dominate you, or at the minimum, actually clearly don’t understand you, even down to core basic things like egg makes you gag. We all now know this about you from one MN thread!) A normal parent doesn’t do this. For your own sanity, expect nothing better to come from your relationship with your parents. Try to disengage emotionally. A wise woman said to me when I was pregnant, see your mother as little as possible. She had a similar relationship and said they had to gear themselves up, each time they saw the grandparents. Yes that’s a shame and it’s hard when other friends have parents who pick up the grandkids, help with childcare, are a helpful lovely presence. But this isn’t your parents. Maybe they will become the parents you need, but don’t count on it.

My mum is now 84 and still a manipulative bully, but I now think she must be neurodivergent. Nothing has ever changed.

However, I will say I have the most lovely relationship with my teens. The focus shifts. Maybe because you’ve had such shit parents, you’ll know what NOT to do. Also. Don’t expect most people to understand what you’re describing. It’ll just make you feel worse. You sound great tho, and I bet you go on to have a lovely relp with your own kids. Ive seen how this happens with self aware people (my own MIL too had a tricky relp with her parents and was then a lovely mum to my husband!)

There were clearly good reasons why you were low contact before. Bringing food you don't like and trying to force you to eat it is just weird. Is there a history of issues between you that relate to food/health/your ability to take care of yourself? Do they have a reason for worrying that you might not be eating very well?

Remember you do not have to eat the food and they can't force you to. There are various ways you could deal with this and they don't necessarily mean confrontation. A breezy "oh thanks, I've just had lunch, so I'll put that in the fridge for later" or if you want to be more direct "thanks mum but you know I don't eat eggs" You could also message her and suggest something that she could bring instead that you would like to eat? If she wants to sulk, let her. Just ignore her (good practice for when you have a toddler!) Once that behaviour stops achieving what she wants she's likely to stop. A baby is a marvellous excuse for not finishing a conversation, whenever they start kicking off just say you need to change a nappy and leave the room.

What would happen if your partner intervened and asked them to stop/ bring food you like?

You could deliberately arrange to see them when it's not a mealtime and perhaps meet them out of the house so you're in control of when you leave?

(My in-laws are very difficult but the above strategies have helped us enormously in managing our interactions with them. I do think some people have a bit of a moment when they become grandparents - I know my in-laws did. It really highlighted the fact that they didn't really view DH as a grown adult man tbh.)

It can be hard work establishing boundaries and only you will know whether you think it's worth the effort long term. It's also perfectly ok to decide you don't want to see them. Would it be worth seeking some counselling to help you unpick all of this?

I wish you all the best OP. My in-laws cast a real shadow over my first child being 6-22 months old and it was horrible (even now I honestly wouldn't be bothered if I never saw them again), so I do empathise.

How old is the baby? I suspect you're right in the thick of it all. It will get better x

I had similar issues with my parents and in the end I had to become rather rude and blunt. My mum will steamroll over anyone given half a chance.

This looked like:

1. Archiving chats and only replying at set times (usually after dinner). Screen calls too.
2. Refusing/sending back things you don't want. "I don't like egg salad, you'll have to take that back home with you. No, I'm not going to eat it. I don't want it going to waste, take it back with you and have it for lunch tomorrow" and physically put it in her hands when she's leaving.
3. Meeting in public places rather than home. "Yes be nice to see you, let's get a coffee and walk around X park"
4. Maintaining scheduled photo sharing - I used to send the same photo to everyone on Friday morning for the first few months to get everyone off my back.
5. Probably unpopular suggestion but punishing her for ridiculous comments about blocking access by taking longer and longer to reply to each message.

I found people's offers of "help" breathtakingly unhelpful when I had new babies. Precooked food that wasn't exactly to my taste. Cleaning my kitchen and permanently damaging the countertop because you've splashed barkeepers friend everywhere. Tidying up and then I can't find any bloody thing I look for. At least when my house is a mess I know that the stripy socks is under the peekaboo book under the sofa. Etc.

Maybe it just comes down to personality though.

It sounds to me as if the baby is being used as a vehicle to override and dominate you op.
A way to insult you and disregard you.
I think I would just freeze her out.

@Getthatnoise when she says "I know you don’t eat eggs but it’s good for the baby. Or I know you don’t like this but it’s good for your milk supply so you should really eat it" you say no, if you want to take it back home with you, that's fine, if not, I'm throwing it in the bin because I'm not eating that.

This doesn’t sound great. My mum always focused on me when I’ve been post partum. MIL to an extent too, but she’s been a bit more baby focused which is fair enough. My mum still says “well you’re still my baby” which is funny because I have three babies myself now!

Also anyone who brought egg salad to my house would get an instant ban!

The only thing that makes me think you should possibly hang back is if you’re gonna want childcare. There’s two caveats to this:

1. do you trust they can take care of your child and respect your rules/ boundaries?
2. do you even actually want them to do it?

Having family childcare has been a huge help for us, but I’ve always had a very good relationship with my parents and I 100% trust them to take care of my children. Obviously reducing it to a transactional relationship (they get a grand baby and you get a night off) is a bit fickle, but it sounds like they’re not exactly great parents anyway and they kind of just see you as an extension of your baby. Tbh if it was me I’d probably patch them, but the childcare aspect is something to consider.

See lots of good advice. Unfortunately no 2 for me at least would have resulted in SO MUCH MORE TRAUMA. that sort of thing would have led to full on whaling from my mother, utter crying, sulking, threats of suicide. I don’t know if that’s what the op’s mum is like, but you can’t rationalise or set boundaries with them. I once spoke to my mum about something that bothered me as a child (ie that I was given unfashionable hand me downs to wear). A normal parent might sympathise if a sympathetic type, perhaps even laugh at the memory if a good humoured type. Not her! She had a sort of old fashioned fan in her hand (it was hot) and she started smacking herself on the back with it, in literal self flagellation. Crying. Suicidal threats. And this would happen over any criticism. You take it seriously! I don’t know if OPs mum pulls these sorts of stunts. Great to maintain boundaries but sometimes it feels impossible to. Only solution after many years of such has been is to go v low contact. Ultimately I think she prefers it that way too.

Sending back food? The utter horror!

When parents have been cold and distant during your childhood they cannor really expect you to "arise and call them blessed" when you become an adult. Probably not bad enough to cut them off entirely but you can increase the distance and stop replying to every text.

It's utter rubbish, GP do NOT have a legal right to contact with GC.

Gosh that sounds horrendous. A call to 999 for suicide threats will either get her the help she needs, or put a stop to those shenanigans.

I wouldn’t use them for child care even in a transactional sense. My SIL uses them but has complained to me on many occasions about rules being broken or instructions not being followed. My parents definitely think they know best and won’t listen to other people preferences on anything, I know they would just use the opportunity to do whatever they wanted.

Please don't let anyone scare you about grandparents' rights and courts granting access. In the circumstances you've described it wouldn't even reach a court setting. The kind of situation when it reaches court is when grandparents have provided long term care, often because the parents were incapable, and then been estranged.

This is your baby, you set the rules and boundaries, not your parents. Do not allow them to bully you.

It doesn’t sound too bad and more like they are possibly trying too hard. I think you need to use your words as they say on MN - How’s the baby should be replied to ‘really well… and so am I in case you were about to ask?’

You can mute texts and reply when convenient. Just tell her not to bring egg salad as you have never liked it (they may have forgotten or assumed your likes had changed over your lifetime).

It’s perfectly okay to say/message - “I am really grateful that we have this chance to try and rebuild our relationship and appreciate it is tricky navigating things that upset us in the past, but it would be lovely to feel that you are as interested in me as you are the baby, but sometimes I feel that maybe that’s not the case. Perhaps we could work on that?”

And, by the way, are YOU initiating any contact with her? Do you ever just ask her how SHE and dad are and what they are up to outside the baby focus? Perhaps you are inadvertently leading this by only talking about the baby, so you might want to add to above that you realise perhaps you have been a bit standoffish and not shown interest in their lives because you are not sure how to navigate that?

Then sack them off for sure. Not worth leaving your child with people who think they “know best” because most of the time it’s outdated and often dangerous things they think are fine because it “never hurt my kids”. Also if she pipes up saying she has a right to see her grandchild, ask to see the legal basis for this right.

Grandparents can be really annoying when you've had a baby but I would expect your own parents to show a little more interest in your wellbeing as well as the baby. Your parents sound more like my in-laws were. Everything they do makes your life more difficult or upsets you. My MIL made me feel like an incubator for her unborn grandchild during pregnancy. Only ever asked about the baby, guilt tripped us to force visits when we weren't ready, overstayed her welcome etc. Baby no.2 is now on the way and we haven't even told her as the relationship is so poor at this point (she actually stopped speaking to us which was a blessing).

My advice would be to speak up about the things that bother you. Like simply telling them not to bring you food as you won't be eating it. Keep them at arms length with visits, just tell them you're busy and don't give in to unreasonable requests, you are in charge not them. I've also never used my MIL for childcare as she ignores our boundaries anyway so we don't trust her. Give the relationship a chance if you want to but also it's ok to choose the right thing for you and your new little family :)

You have nothing to lose so tell them how you really feel, give them one more chance to step up