Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

I think you would have been better posting on Relationships, OP. Most people replying here will not understand that grandparents can have less than your best intentions at heart.

You were low contact for a reason, and the problem is that despite their suggestion that they want a fresh start they actually mean "let's pretend everything in the past never happens and we'll carry on doing what we want". They haven't tried to forge a relationship with you and I think you are spot on that they are only interested in their grandchild. If they wanted a fresh start with you why wait until you were pregnant?

No, the things they are doing aren't "too" awful when considered in isolation, but it is a series of small things that add up.

You can absolutely set your boundaries as to what level of contact you want. No one is entitled to your time, or access rights to your child. Incidentally, when did the relationship with your own parents start breaking down/they lose interest in you? If it was around 8/9 when you started getting a mind of your own and weren't so sweet and amendable, then you should be wary that the same cycle may repeat with your child.

If you have a partner of course you can! I'm only saying take an hour out! After the very early cluster feeding stage you can definitely grab a quick meetup with a friend/parent etc.

Even if you don't do this in order to meet your parents, you should definitely try to leave the baby with your partner for short periods anyway, just for a quick walk/breather/coffee/clear your head.

They come with a plate of food, because you should help a new family- but only one portion, nothing for my partner so we still have to cook, sulk if i don’t eat it in front of them even though I don’t want to.
I couldn't be doing with the sulking - they'd be taking the food back home with them everytime for that alone.
How ofter are you inviting them they inviting themselves over?
As for the text messages - how much reply do you give? If you just text back "Fine, same as yesterday" what would she do?

Booking in visits and chasing updates is normal and not treating you like a receptionist. In fact, most of their behaviour is normal.

Clearly though you have such a bad relationship that everything they say and do annoys you. So crack on and go NC.

Maybe your partner could cook his own food, or do the laundry or hoovering ?

You haven’t asked them to do anything, and when they do try to do something on initiative (bring you food), you don’t like it.

Not sure what they have done wrong ..

They sound ok to me. Can’t you just tell them what you’d like to eat?

I specifically said I don’t need help doing those things- they’re just things in my NCT group and on facebook groups it has been suggested are good things to do if you are seeing a mum with a newborn. I mentioned them because people said I’d be happy of the support- but they aren’t doing anything and I can’t imagine what that support would be.

This is food I haven’t ever liked, and she says things like I know you don’t eat eggs but it’s good for the baby. Or I know you don’t like this but it’s good for your milk supply so you should really eat it

Not showing any interest in your actual daughter is not normal.
Showing so little interest in your actual daughter that you think she should eat food that you know she can't stomach is not remotely normal.

They want a relationship on their terms only. Which is why OP feel that it is "off" without necessarily being able to articulate why except by mentioning things that sound trivial on their own. I bet if OP, for example, suggested that she and her mum went out for a short walk so that they could have a chat while the baby was left with her dad/partner that she would have absolutely no interest in doing so.

I mentioned help because sometimes parents regret going nc with grandparents when they need childcare in the future.

Ok. I disagree.
There's a lot of drip drip drip on this thread and some very opaque language.
But I have already suggested the OP cut contact- which is what she wants to do- so we have all arrived at the same conclusion anyway.

You sound very immature to be honest. Almost jealous of the baby getting more attention than you. Time to grow up now???

i get it, OP.

Help isn’t really relevant now, it’s more relevant when you aren’t EBF. So Babystiing for a few hours. To be honest, I didn’t get any help and it was fine. It’s irritating when you see previously neglectful/ uninterested parents going overboard ( and in a way that doesn’t overall help).

you can redirect them (‘what would be helpful is bringing round 2 meals of xyz, so that we don’t need to cook.) if this doesn’t work ( and it probably won’t) then you can say (oh is a pity that that’s not very helpful) and at least point out that they aren’t helpful.

the good news is that this is all temporary . when the child is about 1 year old, they will be less interested as that’s the stage you can ask them to mind the baby for a couple of hours and they will find excuses not to.

I wouldn’t allow them to look after a pet gerbil unsupervised, let alone my baby. I certainly don’t want them babysitting!

How is there drip feeding?

a coffee shop without baby is an excellent idea from a previous poster.

im not sure on nutrients but it seems there are multiple alternatives to egg salad for nutrients and milk production. so if you continue to see her i’d suggest you say no food please mum i wont eat it. or tell her what you do like. i’d not eat the stuff you dont like.

google says: Egg salad provides key nutrients for breastfeeding, including protein, choline, vitamin B12, and healthy fats, which support milk production and infant brain development. You can get these exact same vital nutrients from foods like salmon, beef, lentils, tofu, and dairy yogurt.
Protein

• Builds and repairs body tissues.
• Keeps your energy up all day.
• Found in chicken, beef, tofu, and beans.

Choline

• Helps build your baby's brain and memory.
• Supports your own liver health.
• Found in beef liver, lean beef, wheat germ, and soy products.

Vitamin B12

• Makes red blood cells.
• Gives you energy and helps your baby's nervous system grow.
• Found in salmon, milk, cheese, and fortified cereals.

Healthy Fats

• Provide calories for rich breast milk.
• Help absorb vitamins.
• Found in avocados, olive oil, nuts, and seeds.

This

Any posts suggesting grandparents have rights is factually incorrect. In the UK certainly. Grandparents have no rights here.

And also the posts saying “it’s not that bad calm down” - I’m in a vaguely similar position. Parents have been hideous to me my entire life , now that they are frailer and considering their own mortality they suddenly want me to visit them and getting weekly phone calls.
But the damage is done from a lifetime of frankly abuse and I can’t just change how I feel on a whim.

I suspect you can’t either OP.

Stick to what you know in your gut is best for you and for your baby.

And congrats by the way ☺️

Some of these replies are batshit. OP, if your parents are making you life harder rather than easier at this stage I’d cut down massively on visits and contact. Maybe once per fortnight and only when your partner is there to support? And I wouldn’t be fussed about replying to messages quickly if they aren’t asking about you or your partner either.

It sounds like they overstep so if you choose to continue seeing them you have to learn how to have strong boundaries. Eg, any comment on what nutrients your milk needs should be met with a “my milk is absolutely nothing to do with you, do not comment on it”. Food you don’t like: “I don’t like egg salad. Would you like to take it home or shall I put it in the bin?” But, importantly, you have a small baby and putting in boundaries is hard work so if you’d rather not see them that’s fine too.

This is drip feeding, or at least very opaque language. You don't say why.

For instance, I have never allowed my inlaws to look after my kids. Not because I hate them, but because they are careless and well meaning numpties They are the kind who would let a toddler wander off, while they look at the sunset.

But you frame it as if this is actually a " Rosemary's Baby' scenario. If so, go NC.

I don’t understand all the “drip feeding” accusations on mumsnet

You don’t have a right to more information than the OP has given.

If you don’t like it , just don’t engage. It’s not hard.

“Opaque language”? Do you normally struggle with inference? It isn’t drip feeding to add more detail when asked to explain.

Ok, I am off.
I probably struggle with inference..But I am not the only one to say that.
As I said, we have all arrived at the same destination, so it's a ' moo point' as Joey would say!

Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok

Did they have any reason to be concerned that the baby wouldn’t be ok? The bringing healthy food suggests concern about lifestyle choices, have you fallen out in the past about anything like that?

Whilst you absolutely don’t have to worry about court (the grandparents rights is to protect children like I was whose grandparents cared for me for four months after my parents abandoned me and then had no clear legal right to object when my parents simply took me back and no legal right to access when they completely cut them out of my life for the next three months, not people who’ve visited once a week for a few months) it is worth keeping in mind that is your mother’s response when you’re busy. That is a very controlling reply. You’re allowed to be busy.

Having children can really make an impact on your feelings about your parents. My therapist said it is incredibly common for becoming a parent to be the catalyst for people to draw a line and walk away, and equally to do what you did and try and make an effort to repair. Your parents aren’t making the same effort as they are showing no care or respect toward you.

i think you need to think long term what you want - do you think your parents will bring anything positive to your child’s life? I declined re-establishing contact with my father when I became a parent because if I can’t trust someone alone in a room with my child then I don’t want my child growing up trusting them.

If you are going to go NC or very very very LC with them the younger your child is the less an impact it’ll have on your child.

And some people will tell you that any GPs are better than none and it’s simply not always the case at all.

OP's mum is just using OP as a conduit to her grandchild. She couldn't give a flying fuck about OP, to the extent that she is trying to force her to eat food that makes her gag because it's 'good for the baby'.

If she can't be pleasant and interested in her own daughter, she shouldn't expect access to her grandchild. She obviously hasn't been bothered about seeing OP for years but is now being pushy about visiting OP's home and even talking about her 'rights' to see her grandchild. FYI, she doesn't have any such rights.

A prior relationship isn't enough for a court to override parental rights and force a mother to provide access to her parents against her will. They would need to demonstrate that they had a significant relationship with the child (say providing care over extended periods) and that the emotional harm caused to the child by stopping visits is so great that it overrides the default which is that parents w parental rights decide who their children see.

None of this applies to the OP or her situation if she chooses to have her parents see her kids periodically.