Am I being petty to go back to the level of contact I had with my parents that I had before I had a baby

[Getthatnoise]

AIBU to just stop replying and engaging with my parents? I’ve never really got on with them and so had very little contact,but last year when I announced I was pregnant they started to contact me a lot more and expressed they were sorry and wanted a fresh start.

They would ask how I was doing and what I was up to. Now baby is here, and it’s become clear they were just asking how I was doing to make sure grandbaby was ok. When baby was born my mother would stop round with foods for me- but things that I haven’t liked since my own childhood-but stuff that is good for the baby. Think egg salad, when I have never been able to stomach the smell, that kind of thing.

But what has really upset me is every day I get a message of “how is baby today?” No, how are you both, or asking after me, just every day how is baby.

I think if we had a good relationship I probably wouldn’t mind, but it just shows to me that this change from them isn’t an attempt to rebuild bridges with me, it’s purely about them wanting to see my baby.

To be honest it doesnt sound awful but I suppose the background context as to why you never got on with them is key.

Your mother sounds a bit thoughtless but not severe enough to cut contact. I suspect there’s much more to it than what you’ve said here. Ultimately you have to do what’s best for you.

Her own mother treated her as an incubator for dgc, brings food that she knows op cant stand and is trying to force a relationship with op just to facilitate a relationship with the gc. Thats absolutely awful behaviour.
@Getthatnoise if your mum has regular contact with your dc and you and your mum fall out or you want her out of your life in future she could apply for permission to take you to crt over access. If your mother is as bad as I suspect then you really need to think about keeping her as far away from you and your dc as possible that way theres no established relationship for the crts to uphold and she would be denied permission to go to crt for visitation
Edited for autocorrect error

Scaremongering. No court has ever ordered parents to allow grandparents contact in a situation such as you are describing.

Can I ask why the relationship is so poor? I think any positive support is helpful to a mother of young children because it can be a difficult isolated phase but there are plenty of reasons why relationships with family can be more destructive than helpful.

A new baby can signal a new start. Things in the last haven’t been good, but that doesn’t stop things in the future being good. You might be thankful of the support of things get a bit tough.
The things she is doing don’t sound awful .. but I suspect we’ll be getting a drip feed.

Calm down. Good god.

I think you should maintain contact, OP.
You haven't said enough really as to why you have a poor relationship.

Why did you cut contact in the first place? I think having a child can help build bridges with your own parents. I also think it’s important that your child has a relationship with the wider family and a child can never be loved by too many people. They are more focused on your child than you, ok but that’s not a reason to cut them off?

Bringing someone egg salad is not awful behaviour. Calm down.

Yes they have and do if theres a prior relationship with the child and its deemed in the child's best interest to continue that relationship so no not scaremongering

I so agree. Grandparents play a very important role.

By the way my mum often brings sweets that only the grandkids can eat and I can't. Big deal. Not a hanging offence.
I am pleased she does.

I hadn’t thought of this and it’s a really good point. On days she wants to come round and I say I’m busy she talks about me blocking access and her right to see her grandbaby. It definitely bears thinking about.

That’s different. She isn’t bring stuff for the baby, she’s bringing things that literally make me gag and expecting me to eat them because my milk “needs the nutrients”.

This isn’t her bringing things she knows I dislike and leaving me out, this is her bringing things for me specifically.

Ok, cut contact then.
Block her on everything and don't answer your door in the true spirit of MN.

I think it would be a good idea to suggest a few meetups without the kids if you can OP. Even an hour's walk or a quick coffee shop meet or something. Gauge how interested they are in seeing you just for you. If they are keen to meet just you, I would continue making the effort with the relationship IF you want to. If they are not interested in meeting you without the kids, ditch them (give them a few chances in case they are just busy!). But ultimately them seeing you as not worth bothering with will be really bad for your self esteem.

She does not have a ‘right’ to see your child. Grandparents’ rights don’t exist unless you give her caring duties in which case she may be able to apply, I’ve seen it on here before for UK cases. You don’t need to see her and you don’t need to allow her access/babysitting duties. You don’t owe her a relationship, particularly if your history is difficult.

Hmm I get the irritation, as my parents weren't particularly engaged with me as an adult and were mildly neglectful when I was a child. They've never done anything awful, but for various reasons made a bit of a mess of parenting, probably because of their own childhood/family backgrounds. Annnyway since having DC I see an awful lot more of them, they don't actually provide any practical help at all, and only play with the kids for short bursts when it suits them then go back to reading the paper or looking at their phones... honestly I feel like I can't really be bothered and wouldn't mind if I never see them again BUT they are essentially harmless, genuinely fond of the kids and I'm sure the kids will have good memories of them being around. So even though I don't have a meaningful relationship with my parents, at this point it's more about me facilitating a relationship that makes other people happy.

Hmm ok I've just seen your update about your mum saying she has a "right" to see the baby... Maybe it's worth putting in a boundary like, Tues or Thurs are good days to visit, and not facilitating visits on other days.

Also...maybe people go a bit mad about babies, especially the first grandchild in the family (my mum did) but tend to calm down a bit when they're bigger. However, still good to have firm boundaries if she is being pushy x

There is no positive support though. They don’t help in anyway, just want to come round and see the grandbaby. They have never offered help and equally I haven’t asked for it. I don’t know what they could possibly do though?

They come with a plate of food, because you should help a new family- but only one portion, nothing for my partner so we still have to cook, sulk if i don’t eat it in front of them even though I don’t want to. They don’t offer to do any laundry or hoover- not that I need or want them to…I just fail to see what support you mean- it’s certainly not emotional

I can’t, the baby is EBF, which is why she is now so interested in my diet.

Grandparents have zero rights, so tell her to crack on.the courts would laugh her out the door.

Do you want contact with your mum or not? All this dripping about stuff she does/says that pisses you off....seems you can't be bothered with it all. Tell her to do one and crack on without her. Please don't come back in a couple of years telling us you don't understand why she won't help you though - adult choices here. You could try to set some gentle boundaries first or just ignore the bits you don't like?

This is the second time someone has mentioned help. I haven’t asked for help, but I genuinely don’t know what it would be?

I don’t want a relationship with her, I just thought I would meet them half way for my baby- but they seem to not be doing the same and almost just treat me as the receptionist, booking in visits and chasing updates!!

What happened before all this OP? Because what you're describing is very normal, just a bit annoying and thoughtless maybe.
My DP didn't really see his parents before we had DC, but they became quite full on as soon as I became pg. He finds it really odd and sometimes gets annoyed that he, on his own, was never enough. But they are good gp and they love our DC, so they're always welcome.