Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

OP you could always suggests that the girls stay in their own home, their mother can go stay in a Premier inn/travel lodge/with a friend/family member for two nights and their dad stays with the girls at their home.

Not only will the girls have their own rooms they'll be somewhere familiar and it won't disrupt their routine as much.

You could maybe then arrange a day on a weekend to spend out and about all together so they can see their little brother.

What a bloody nerve she has!
No way would I be dictated to by her about my
home. Saying you should not have had your child is obnoxious.

Keep the rooms as they are, OP. She needs to parent her autistic child (reinforced by the father) such that the behaviour you describe is
stopped.

Ridiculous.

Yep, the number of posters berating the op for having a child of her own, when apparently being a stepmum should be enough!

Do the girls have to come on the same days? Could you not stagger them so the bedroom thing isn’t an issue. Would give them a break from each other too

What do you think it’s due to?

The point is that they already decided that the girls would share (despite the special needs) before they started the second family. So they weren't meeting existing needs at all.
It's so often the case that the first set of kids get relegated, in all sorts of ways.

Take the girls one at a time, certainly do not move the toddler as this is 'their' home whereas for the girls they are really guests each time.

£300 full height room divider on amazon - split the biggest room between them . none of the ex's business

I wonder how many people replying actually have experience of raising an autistic child who has behaviour that challenges.

You have a number of problems here OP The first is that the mum is absolutely unreasonable to have any kind of opinions about whether or not you have additional children.

Second is that without it being your fault in any way, you have a situation where one of your daughters needs her own space and accommodations to calm her nervous system so that she doesn't flip into fight/flight/flop/freeze/fawn behaviour. The simple fact of having to move households for two nights every week can be extremely difficult for an autistic child. Add to that the additional change from having her own space to having to share. Add to that the completely normal fact that siblings don't always get on and shouldn't be expected to manage their emotions as well as adults (who aren't always paragons of virtue either). Siblings can go through difficult phases and with the right support they can grown closer.

In your current house, giving the girls the largest room with a floor to ceiling room divider might be the best solution for now. But also consider the decor, the furniture and other sensory aspects of whatever room the autistic daughter has. Register the non autisitic daughter as a young carer and give her access to sibling support - the National Autistic Society runs a Sibs course and there are other similar supports available. This can extend into school support.

Consider staggering bedtimes, even if it goes against what you think "should" be. Base it on what the kids need, not what Society expects. Ensure that when they first arrive at your house, the autistic daughter gets plenty of time to transition without too many expectations. Even if they have to sleep in the same room, you could supply a quiet, solo space for her to go to whenever she wants. Depending on her age that might even be a play tent in a bigger room and none of the other kids are allowed in without her permission.

You might also negotiate to have your daughters at separate times. This is a real solution used by some families with autistic siblings who are not safe together.

Reassure your non autistic daughter that it is not okay that she is getting hurt. And that it is not her sister's fault either. Two things can be true at the same time. The meltdowns are a symptom. You need to look deeper to find the causes and help both of your daughters to feel safe and supported all week, no matter which parents they are living with.

I think I’d put your little lad in the big room, build a divider and have the older sister in with him, put the autistic one in the box room.

That way all the children have a little space that is theirs. Take a picture of the room, put the measurements in and ask chat gp how to divide is fairly for 2 single beds etc.

The autistic child would probably have been Institutionalised. Sadly that's what would have happened several generations ago.