Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

Because he isn't suggesting it ?

Only on MN do you get advice on buying a bigger home - like just magic the money from out of fresh air

@OP when me and now DH moved in together, I had a 1 bedroom flat, he had two children - 3 and 4 .- boy and girl )
I wasnt giving up my HA secured accommodation to house his children for what was four weeks a year ( they lived over 500 miles away so it was school holiday stays and he flew to see them in-between )

So they came and stayed and he and the kids shared the double bed and bedroom and I slept on a put you up

We did buy a house together - two bedrooms and the kids still shared

When they were at the age where sharing wasnt appropriate, we had a sofa bed in the sitting room , when that child was ready for bed, not a bother - we were in the family room/ diner

I and DH were born in the early 60's and sharing rooms was the norm. My auntie had 13 kids in a 4 boredom house, an uncle had 6 in a 3 bedroom, I shared with my sister till we moved out and DH - even though his parents were what we would call middle class, not only shared a room - but a bed

But those days we bought what we could afford - hence our first home a 2 bedroom terrace

I would personally look at a divider if at all possible if they do need separation or get a sofa bed - it's a couple of nights a week after all . Stick a tv in your room. give the girls wardrobe space in the same room but stick one on the sofa bed

But he is the one letting one of his children be repeatedly hit by the other one, under his roof and alleged supervision.

I'd want the girls to visit separately, on alternate weeks. I'd be telling ex that I wouldn't want, and couldn't have, them visiting together because there wouldn't be the space for them to have separate rooms.

I'd also be telling her in no uncertain terms that whether or not you had another child was absolutely none of her business and that she should wind her neck in.

The girls are not her children

They are a blended family.

So the eldest sibling should continue to be attacked because her sister is unable to currently control her emotions?

No child should have to deal with violence in the home.

Every child should be able to feel safe when they go to sleep and not need to keep one eye open out of fear of being attacked.

I know but she wanted her own child not her fault one of the girls is autistic

Mum doesn’t get to dictate.

what is in place to stop the autistic child from hitting her sister?

the room divider option sounds like the best plan to give them some space. however it sounds like a care plan and risk assessments need to be in place for the autistic girl if she is a danger to her siblings. That can’t be left unchecked, she hits the elder one now, your son, yourself/DH/the ex might be next

If the OP and her DH purchased a house maybe their budget didn't stretch to buying a four bedroom house.

If a local authority property there's a chance the bods that allocate stated that the two girls had to share.

Maybe instead of dictating to OP as what to do the mother would like to offer up some funds to build an extension, doesn't have to be massive, it's only being used two days a week to pretty much sleep in, then that would solve the problem without OP having to give up their dinning/front room and causing so much upheaval

Hell no. Only if you wanted to sleep apart.

A room each is a luxury. You're not in a position to provide that. In an ideal world you could, but you can't.

I'd look into dividing the room somehow, as some others have already said.

Not the girl’s fault either that she needs her own space and room because of her autism.

It’s so sad that so many posters focus only on one child, as if the fact she’s assaulting her sister is nothing and her wanting her own space is the most important thing

Oh and I have ND kids, it doesn't mean you can magic up additional space or create yourself a longer term problem having a teen girl in with a younger boy which she would likely be unhappy with in a couple of years, at most, too

No.
The ex wife is being unreasonable and rude dictating where you sleep. Your 2 Yr old could come in with you and one of the girls have his bed for now. However, this won't work in a few years. An extension is expensive. It's a good learning opportunity for the violent child. She needs to learn not to hit her sister. She could have the sofa if she continues to do this.

I really don't see why you can't just move your son twice a week. You call it uprooting. The girls change houses. He would just have to change rooms. It wouldn't be a major trauma.

But yes. You should have allowed for the girls before adding extra children into the marriage. They were here first. Their dad and you knew he had an autistic child with a condition that is likely only going to become more extreme as she becomes a teenager. It's irrelevant what the ex thinks. But the dad/your husband should have put his existing children first before having any others, particularly because one has SEN/additional needs.

The 'violent child' has autistic SEN meltdowns. It isn't something you can train them out of. Try a Google before making rash statements.

Autistic or not, 7 is far too old to be hitting your sister. Your dh needs to nip this in the bud before it's too late.

Yes exactly this, plus you knew his children and their situation before having another yourself

Exactly, what about the little boy that lives there 24/7, or OP being expected to have him sleep in their room or sleep on a sofa bed in possibly their only living area.

It's crazy that the OP should be expected to have 2 rooms empty for 5 days a week just to appease the girls mother.

Is the fighting in the evening at bedtime? If so I'd out one of them to bed in your room and transfer them when they're asleep. So they're separated at the trigger point but don't need their own room

You can actually teach children that violence is unacceptable. I teach autistic children. Sadly, this is a common conception that has appeared in recent years. Parents see it as easier not to tackle it properly.

As ever on mn, he’s a boy and from a second family so is worthless to many, embarrassing and sad

No one is focusing on her, they’re focusing on the other 2 DC who are at risk of her violence.

Mum wants to make sure her other child is safe from harm when she visits her dad’s.

It’s really not a big ask.

It’s not about letting the autistic child get their own way, it’s about keeping the other children safe from her during the night.

In the future it may be that she needs a lock or safety gate to keep herself and the other children safe from harm.

This is an autistic child, who has gone through her parents divorce, has a new step mum, a younger child who they are only with a couple of days a week, and who has to transition between two homes. The home she's having issues in is the one with the new people, where she now has to share a room so doesn't have a safe space or her mum.

And the issue is training her? As the parent of a child with ASD, I would imagine the first thing to do for her is to try to build her sense of safety and security. I think it's the adults that should have been trained to put their SEN child (and the NT one) first.