Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

I'd put the aggressive child in with you until she can be trusted not to lash out at her sister.

The girls can't continue to share, it's not good for either of them.
The autistic sister needs a calm safe space of her own. And the older sister needs a bedroom where she doesn't get hit.
You don't have to go with their mum's suggestions but you (your DH) need to figure something out.

Sounds like pandering to children who are behaving badly.

No I wouldn’t and agree with your take on the situation

This...👆

In normal circumstances the girls would be fine to share, but it sounds like hell for the elder girl.

I'd be looking into a decent divider for the room. The issue of the younger girl hitting should also be addressed.

What does their dad think?

I would speak to the sisters individually about this and see what they say and what they would prefer.

If the sisters do wish to sleep in separate rooms, then one could sleep on the sofa bed you mentioned getting (rather than you having to give up your bedroom).

I would have your DS share with eldest sister. The seven year old can have the smaller room to herself. This is better for your DS anyway as he'll have more space on the five days a week his sister isn't there.

Or I would partition the big room into two so they each have their own space. You'll need to do this long-term anyway I would have thought.

I wouldn't give up your bed for them, it seems completely unnecessary!

Room divider, absolutely reasonable. His ex is within her rights to express concern for her girls, but no right to suggest ridiculous solutions.
My sister and I shared a room until she left for uni, and there 5 years between us, people live to their means, simple as that. If my parents had done a room divider, we’d have been ecstatic. Have them involved in how it will look and let them decorate their own bit, they’ll get excited by it.

This.

plus… don’t make your child a second class citizen in his only home. I understand about the autism situation but you can get one of the girls in the sofabed of a partition is not possible, they are only there a few days a week after all, while the rest of you are there all the time.

The mum can wind her neck down. You are nice to consider that but it is a sad reality that there are no winners in divorce, the ex cannot continue to call the shots on how your ex and his family organise themselves. As long as you are considering their needs as much as everyone else’s you are doing your bit.

That would make the girls feel like guests not family, and changing each week would be hard for the autistic girl.

Why not take the girls separately? Two nights with one, then two nights with the other. Means Dad gets more time with them and it sounds like the non autistic DSD would get a break from being attacked which could be win win.

Keep everyone where they are and divide the large room into two so the girls have their own space.

Any way of splitting the double room into two box rooms?

Crazy thread answers

OP and her husband have the right to have a child, or children

Children have to share sometimes

The work here is not about bedrooms, its about behaviour management

Autisum doesnt give carte blanche to hit your sister, its just an excuse, what is being done about that behaviour?

What happens when the non autistic sister starts getting hit in the home in general when with their mother? Is mum going to buy the house next door so they can live separately?

Have one daughter over at a time.

A lot of comments (as far as I read. Not full thread admittedly) suggesting one girl goes in with brother and the other has the box room. Or that one girl has sofa bed.... but then we are giving one of them their own room and the other is very much in "guest" territory - which I'd say also applies in mums suggestion of OP having the sofa bed.
I can't see how that's good for a harmonious household.

My cousins shared a room. They didn't get on very well in general but survived in and are actually quite close now. 🤷‍♀️
They literally masking taped a line down the middle, I imagine an actual room divider would be even better!

This ex sounds jealous of your relationship, trying to make you sleep in the lounge - the cheek! And then having the cheek to complain about your son existing! I’d tell her to get her snout out.

Separate to that is the autistic girl’s hitting. I’d ignore their mother and talk to the non-autistic child about what would work for them.

Actually a great suggestion because the room only gets used with no conflict and the one girl has some respite.

What size is the room the girls share? Can you do a partition wall, or something clever with a bunk bed in the middle and then false walls to block them a side each? Not explaining it very well, but worth a Google for ideas

Another vote for a room divider and not turfing your child out. Also, if they're 7 and 9, are school trips on the horizon? They'll have to share then. Also, family holidays could also get expensive if they can't or won't share. The other alternative I suppose could be a fold out bed in the living room.

Or a tent.

Yes how does the mum take them on holiday then? A 3 bedrooms apartment? 3 hotel rooms? Really?

What would you do if all 3 children were yours & living with you full time? Sometimes circumstances change so thinking two DC of the same sex and reasonably close in age could share is perfectly reasonable but other factors have now determined that this doesn’t work. It doesn’t actually matter if it’s 1 night a week or every night - issues can crop up at any point and can’t be channelled into not happening on the nights the girls are with you.

It’s not for DC’s DM to be laying down the law in your house but issues in one home will affect the other so whilst badly handled, maybe she’s struggling with the situation when the girls are with her.

Wow I can’t believe the ex dictating what you should do - what a cheek. They come alternate weeks is the only option if they can’t share a room peacefully.

I think in this scenario I'd explore them coming on different weeks / nights. Gives them both a break. It's totally reasonable to share a room with your sibling, but not if you're getting bullied like this. So until the behaviour is managed, splitting them up might actually be a great solution for everyone and one not always available to families in these sorts of situations. I wouldn't have my own child on a sofa bed like an unwanted guest, particularly with behaviour issues in play.