Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

Very much this. The autism makes a big difference.

Son gets the biggest room, autistic child gets the box room and other step child shares with the son.

I'd remind their mum that whilst she can accommodate getting a house big enough for two girls to not have to share a bedroom for the majority of the week it's not really doable for you guys to have a 5bed house with two empty bedrooms for 5 nights a week. If you can you could get a room divider to create two private spaces for them in the large double bedroom

the girls get the biggest room and you split it, lots of ideas on the internet. You take the other double and your son has the smallest room

What a stupid post!

OP’s son matters just as much as his half sisters and he only has one home so there’s no way he should lose his room. And the ex really doesn’t get a say in any of it unless both parents get to dictate the set up in each others households.

If it’s new behaviour, then in the past planning that they share a room was reasonable as they are of similar age and both girls. It’s rude she said you shouldn’t had your child though.

But things have cleared changed and it’s not fair on the sibling that’s getting hit to have to share, or down the road they’ll start to refuse to come and visit their Dad like others have pointed out.

One option is the siblings both coming the stay at different times. My nephew and niece do sleep overs with grandparents separately as nephew is ASD and plays up and is mean to his sister, so this works out much calmer for both of them.

Or son for next few years stays in your room while he’s still little and you come up with a long term plan for what happens when he gets older. I.e look into loft extension, splitting a bigger room into two etc.

Controversial but I have a child with ASD and he absolutely is not allowed to hurt his sister. Suggest your DP work on understanding her trigger and also disciplining her quite strongly.

Divide the large double room that they share. Presumably you only have them ever other weekend etc. no; they don’t get to uproot your son from his bedroom

We are a neurodivergent family actually....
Doesn't mean I tell people they shouldn't have had more kids cos one has autism and they only have a 3 bed house. Their son is 2, so this obviously hasn't always been a problem and is a more recent development.
There are many ways to support an autistic child that don't involve being wealthy enough for a bigger house or uprooting the child that lives their permanently a couple of days every week.

I think its none of DSDs mums business how you organise your home.

That said while not on you your DH should have considered whether he thinks them sharing is appropriate or not. If hes happy thats it.

If they have a double room could you not just use one of those dividey things?

Split the big room. My brother did this, in a fairly small room, both boys had access to the door and a bunk / wardrobe arrangement on each side. One of my nephews was autistic, but this arrangement worked. Part of sharing but not sharing, is the development of learning to sometimesnot always have what you want, and siblings often don't get along, regardless of autism.

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

You have to parent and step-parent the children that you have, not the ones that you thought you would have.

If they don't share a bedroom at mum's house this may have never been an issue they've had to face before? Nobody would have known how they would react to sharing a room before they did so, especially if she isn't usually "unkind" to her sister during the day when they interact.

What? Some of these posts are bat shit! Op and her dh either having no bedroom and a sofa bed in the living room or their son having to share his parents room?
nothing said about behaviour management?

You'd think he would know that his daughter needs her own space?

It smacks of a bit of a useless dad who doesn’t know or indersrand his own kids - and that's why his ex wife is pissed off.

Is the girls bedroom big enough to be divided to allocate each of them individual space?

I think at the very least the dad should be expected to keep his DC safe whilst in his care.

I think that’s the bare minimum that should be required.

If I felt my DC were unsafe at their dads house, then I’d be stopping them from going and I assume the majority of MN would agree.

Whilst sharing they are unsafe and so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the mum to expect them be put in separate rooms, just like OP wouldn’t be unreasonable to not want the volatile child sharing with her son.

How they do this is up to them and not the mum though.
But she does have a right to ask him to keep them safe from harm.

It's not fair on the older daughter to have to share if her sister is violent. She should at least have an option to sleep somewhere safe when her sister is struggling. She could share the big room with your son when they visit and the younger sister have the box room alone. It is a bit unfair on the 9 year old and your son but everyone will be safe that way. The younger one might be better able to regulate her behaviour with tge right support in a year or two or you might need to think a better option. You don't want the oldest to not want to visit.

Because everyone has the money to do this.

Son stays in his room. Girls share, but if the autistic girl misbehaves she sleeps on a sofa bed in your room . That way you can keep an eye on her behaviour in the hope it improves.

Why did the father think it was ok to put the girls in the same
room? It’s very common for autistic people to need extra privacy. Without space for decompression and to truly relax, the anxiety just doesn’t stop.

how involved is he with parenting? Does he understand his daughter and can he be trusted with her care?

I shared with all of my siblings until I was 10.

They are siblings of the same sex it’s reasonable for them to share. Perhaps it would be better them coming at different times or maybe the one who isn’t autistic can share with her brother.

I’ve never heard such entitled twaddle! God forbid that siblings share a room, just think of the psychological damage that causes. My brothers shared a room, and god did they fight, proper fighting. My parents, other than separating them during the fights left them to it, they couldn’t afford to buy a 4 bedroom house, so brothers had to put up with each other. They are incredibly close and often joke about who had the smelliest feet or worse farts.