Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

We had 5 kids in our family and my mum got a carpenter to basically create an adapted wall separating a double room where I had a top bunk in my room and my sister had a bottom bunk under my bed in her room. So we basically had a double room turned into two rooms.

If anyone had to sleep on a sofa bed it's the aggressive girl.

As they don't get on, perhaps they could visit one at a time.

Under No circumstances would I be giving up my bedroom. I am a mum and also a step mum. I do understand the issue with regards to the girls sharing but I wouldn’t be up routining yourselves or your toddler. I would either get a room divider in the girls current bedroom (hopefully the room is big enough) along with a sofa bed for when they argue & fight one of the girls can sleep away from their sibling.

My opinion will not be liked by many but the mum does not get to dictate how you accommodate her girls when they are at yours. It actually has nothing to do with her and I’m saying that as a mum whose children go to their dads every other weekend. We don’t get to dictate or interfere in the other households set up it is that simples.

in an ideal world you would have a 4 bed house but you don’t so I wouldn’t come up with solutions that are reasonable for all including your toddler

I'd consider swapping my own room to the smaller of the doubles, and dividing the largest in two. Or if you could post a floorboards of your house, there may be other options available, such as using part of a landing etc, that one of us might see.
Its totally unreasonable to expect you or your toddler to give up your own room, permanently.

I think this is the best solution.

In any other scenario I would tell them to suck it up and share but not when there is violence.

The autistic child may get more aggressive as she reaches puberty too.

This seems to be the solution that causes the least amount of change.

It's not up to your ex how you run your household, but as the parent of an autistic girl I understand her concerns. Autistic people very much need their own quiet space in order to rest and regulate, otherwise it will lead to meltdown as they can no longer cope, a meltdown is like a short circuit of the brain, the person isn't aware of what they are doing while it's happening, it certainly isn't a behavioural issue and treating it as such will lead you into a world of trouble. You best bet is to start learning what's causing the overwhelm that's leading to the meltdown and deal with that. Does she get enough quiet time in the day, are you out on the go all day, if so it's likely too much stimulation, she will need more breaks to regulate.
I would say you do need to find a solution, but that's totally up to you how you do it.

I have an autistic kid and a non-autistic one and the autistic kid can be prone to meltdowns and used to lash out physically when younger. The kids did use to share but it became untenable. We did a loft conversion to create another bedroom. It's made such a huge difference now they both have their own space (to be safe, and to regulate)
While I agree in general that kids can share, if one child is being hit, it can become unfair to make them share. Kids deserve a safe space.

I would look at ways to give them separate bedrooms - possibly divide the current one.

I wouldn't be uprooting the boy from his room in his permanent home. I'd be telling the two girls to behave themselves.
If you can move in the future - ideal. But camp beds and shifting around day by day - no.

trying to change the behaviour is unlikely to work because she’s getting overwhelmed in a situation she finds challenging. Discipline her won’t stop her getting overwhelmed. Changing the environment will. Yes you should work on her managing her overwhelm in a less destructive manner but in order to do that successfully you need to be starting small with minor stresses and work your way up to the big stuff and that could take a long time and it may not be successful. You need a right now solution.

i would do one of the following-

move son in with you when girls sleep and non autistic girl gets his room (on the basis she will cope better with the change)

divide the double bedroom so each get own space - may not work though.

convert a downstairs room into a bedroom for one of the girls. - if there is one

The mum needs to wind her neck in. Your child exists and everyone needs to move forward on that basis. I actually think your original plan of having the girls share was perfectly reasonable but it obviously hasn't worked out so something has to change. I'd explore room dividers, or having a daybed in your room for the child who is lashing out. The sisters share in a divided room but if she is struggling she comes into your room. I'd also explore having a staggered schedule, so maybe the girls each come alone 1/4 weeks, then together 2/4 weeks so they are getting a break from one another, would give their mum some 1:1 time with them too. Might need to up the nights in there somewhere to make sure they are both still getting as much time with their dad as they are doing right now.

Alternatively, OP's husband presumably knew he had a child with autism who needed her own space when he had another child and only a 3 bedroom house. Perhaps he should have focused on meeting the needs of his existing children before having more?

Well, what's your plan for stopping your DSD being beaten up by her overwhelmed autistic sister? Because you, or more specifically her dad, can't allow that to happen under your roof.

YANBU!! Totally unreasonable for anyone to think you should have to move out your own bloody bedroom, it’s your home.
My advice would be keep your son in his own room and if possible divide the big bedroom, I’ve seen some amazing pictures/ videos of others doing this with units from ikea.
I shared a room until I left home, my sister and I fought… didn’t do us any harm.

I’m autistic and had to share a room with my sister full time, so I do feel for the girls. Me and my sister used to have some WWE style fights… but really if they’re only at yours on weekends could you not find another solution? Divider in the big room? Something like that?

I will say me and my sister get on really well now but sharing the room did not help lol.

I grew up as one of three siblings in a three bed house (all lived there full time) - my brothers shared a bedroom. It’s very common for same sex siblings to share. The girls need to share a bedroom - it’s only 2 nights a week! Ridiculous to suggest OP and her husband give up their bedroom.

Don’t be ridiculous. Two adults and a child should share one room full time so that the girls can each have a room when they stay over 2 nights a week?

Dividing the large bedroom by using a kallax unit or a curtain would be a better solution while the adults work to improve the younger girls’s behaviour. Hopefully she won’t be aggressive towards her sister for ever.

I wouldn't pander to it, my child would not be giving up their room for someone who's only there 2 nights out of 7, and nor would I.

If the sisters can't sleep in the same room I would have them over on separate nights.

Some of these comments 🙄 I shared a room with my sister at my mum's until 13 and dad's til I stopped staying the night at 17 and she is 5 years younger than me. Did I love it? god no, but it was how it was and that was that. 4 bed houses are a lot pricier than 3 beds.It's not unreasonable for them to have planned for the girls to share 2 nights a week. Hell my mum had 3 girls in one bedroom and 3 boys in the other when she was a kid.

However given the dynamic that has developed between the girls, I would definitely make sure they have the longest room and have dividers like the pictures someone posted above, the bunkbeds with a blocked off side are a great option if you are up for a bit of DIY (depending on where the windows are.)

yes so would I

i expect the mum wants a break from them

Of course the mother has some say in this - it must feel very scary for the child who's being attacked. This child is the person who matters most in this scenario. I hope you can find a solution which helps her feel safe.

i know what I would be saying and that would be no way !!!!

Why the hell would they do that ! This is the boys full time
home ? He deserved a bedroom and a space of his own !

Some of these comments clearly show that some people have no expeirence of dealing with a child with autism. Nowhere in any post does the OP talk about her needs, triggers of severity of her condition. It might be that the child can be coached, she could equally be non verbal or anything in between!

Dividing the room seems the obvious choice, but I can see why the girls' mum would be annoyed - her ex husband is obviously clueless at dealing with or undersdanding his own daughter's needs.

Do you have a dining room that could be a part-time bedroom? Alternatively, would it be possible to have the girls separately (so each does two days a fortnight)? The girls would probably appreciate having some time away from each other if they don't get on.