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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

212 replies

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 14/08/2026 00:49

likelysuspect · 14/08/2026 00:18

Theres thread after thread on here from beleaguered mums about how their chlid is violent, to them, to peers and to siblings and they're given every bit of sympathy. They're not painted as 'letting them hit each other'. They're not questioned on why they havent got a bigger home. They're not questioned on why they went on to have another child when they already had an autistic child.

But this is a father so naturally he is in the wrong.

Show quote history

I’ve never seen a mum post that their child lashes out because she’s sharing a room without having tried every possible way of ensuring the other child doesn’t get hit. If these children were all from the same mum the child who lashes out would already have their own room and the other children would share, or the toddler would be in with mum.

user1492757084 · 14/08/2026 00:59

The room divider is the answer I'd opt for.
There are always savvy ways to ensure privacy for two children in one large room; research well.

OuEstLaPlage · 14/08/2026 07:12

How would you arrange your 3 bed house if all three children were biologically yours. Bear in mind that autistic meltdowns aren’t “behaviour” to be worked on.

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:20

candlelightburner · 13/08/2026 22:01

Not the girl’s fault either that she needs her own space and room because of her autism.

Show quote history

She needs to learn some self control, is the hitting all due to her autism?

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:24

JemimaTiggywinkles · 13/08/2026 22:46

It is absolutely not a modern conception. If anything, the idea that children with significant needs can be taught how to function well within society is a new idea. You may teach autistic children, but some of us have relations over the age of 70 with significant needs - so don’t think for a second you’re an expert on how things used to be.

Show quote history

So what would happen two or three generations ago when people lived in more proximity to each other . Kids definitely share rooms and possibly beds?

Hayfield123 · 14/08/2026 07:30

mondaytosunday · 13/08/2026 16:48

I know people who have had to share with their siblings til they left home. It is totally unrealistic to expect you to move out of your room or have you toddler in with you. Needs must and you do not have to justify your having a third child! Maybe a room divider which could be a simple curtain or something like these:

Edited

This 100%. My children shared until they left home. People will say you shouldn’t have more children than you have bedrooms, bollocks. My children had fallouts but they needed to get over it. Children’s behaviour doesn’t get to dictate the layout of the home and the ex wife certainly doesn’t.

chocoluv · 14/08/2026 08:20

Some of these replies are shocking.

It’s obvious that many posters have no experience of children with autism or MH that makes them violent.

The amount of posters saying that they should share a room, knowing that a child is going to be attacked, is absolutely shocking.

If I knew my child was not safe whilst at her dads then I would be stopping them from going there all together.

He has a responsibility to safeguard his children and right now he’s not doing it.

I wonder if he started the thread if he’d get the same replies, I very much doubt it.
He’d be told it was him priority to find a way to keep his other 2 children safe from violence.

chocoluv · 14/08/2026 08:24

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:20

She needs to learn some self control, is the hitting all due to her autism?

Show quote history

Self control??

You do realise some autistic children/adults have to be locked away at night due to them harming themselves or someone else?

I know parents who have had broken bones and regularly have bruises and scratches on them from their children.

No way would I be having a physically violent child around either of the other DCs at night.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2026 08:39

Ohdearnotthisagain · 14/08/2026 00:27

Of course it’s ok for same sex siblings to share. Gosh I shared until I left for uni!

Ex can butt out. She does not get to direct what is going on in your house.

I agree with you. Deal with the behaviour.

Do you have a severe developmental and neurological disability that affects/affecteded communication, sensory processing, and daily functioning?

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2026 08:41

Hayfield123 · 14/08/2026 07:30

This 100%. My children shared until they left home. People will say you shouldn’t have more children than you have bedrooms, bollocks. My children had fallouts but they needed to get over it. Children’s behaviour doesn’t get to dictate the layout of the home and the ex wife certainly doesn’t.

Show quote history

Do your children have developmental and neurological disabilities that affect communication, sensory processing, and daily functioning?

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2026 08:42

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:24

So what would happen two or three generations ago when people lived in more proximity to each other . Kids definitely share rooms and possibly beds?

Show quote history

The DC with autism would (sorry @hibyebye) probably have been thrown into an asylum and left there to rot.

Just like people with severe allergies just died from them.

Are we suggesting the past was preferable because it weeded out anyone not 'normal'?

suburburban · 14/08/2026 08:44

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2026 08:42

The DC with autism would (sorry @hibyebye) probably have been thrown into an asylum and left there to rot.

Just like people with severe allergies just died from them.

Are we suggesting the past was preferable because it weeded out anyone not 'normal'?

Show quote history

No definitely not 😀

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/08/2026 08:47

In this circumstance it does seem necessary to sort separate sleeping spaces. Seems terribly unfair for the older daughter to have to share/get hit, and sooner or later she will just refuse to come unless you sort this out. I’d start with a room divider and see if you can make that work. If kids can share peacefully then great, but if it’s not possible and makes family life an ongoing battle, then you need to get creative.

IunderstandMissHannigan · 14/08/2026 09:18

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

It’s your house so you get to decide. Genuinely as simple as that.
ex wife does not get to decide what happens in your home. Ever.
If you start making decisions based off what she thinks… what next? She’ll make more and more demands and you will end up resenting the power that she has in YOUR home.
Make sleeping arrangements in your home work for you. Maybe separate rooms for the girls would work, maybe a partition down a double room, maybe dealing with the melt downs and keeping them separate during that time.
and what works now, might not work in the future. Just do what is best for your entire family and to hell with ex wife’s demands. They’re your husbands children too and he has a say in this.
btw… you also don’t even need to deal with this… your husband should just say “thanks for the advice, we’ll consider it” and leave it at that.
step mum life is never easy! 💐💐💐

Seajaye · 14/08/2026 10:35

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

You don't need to take the smaller single room away from your son nor vacate your own bedroom . The mother of the sisters is being unreasonable. . The 2 sisters can share the larger bedroom like many other sisters do. I would probably get a sofabed for the lounge ( as a guest bed) so If there is a huge meltdown, and only if necessary , one sister can sleep downstairs until the meltdown is over.

It's up to you and your partner to decide if you wish to move house or build an extension or otherwise afford a 4 bedroom property, and not for the mother of the sisters to dictate to you the living arrangements where reasonable provision has being made..

Dalston · 14/08/2026 10:55

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

I agree, work on the behaviour instead of accommodating it. It’s gobsmacking that the ex wife has told you that you shouldn’t have had your own child! Maybe you should suggest to her that as the girls don’t get on you will have them over separately. Maybe alternate weeks? I would not be giving up my bedroom and I would not be making my DS move out of his room. What a flippin nerve! YANBU

Brokentoes85 · 14/08/2026 11:15

Mum doesn't get a say in sleeping arrangements at your house.

My brother was like this growing up and in the end my dad would have 1 child at a time. Worked well for a few years.

axolotlfloof · 14/08/2026 12:15

It's your home. Don't give the impression anyone else can say how you use the rooms.
Autistic children will learn to cope with sharing.

Postpartum26 · 14/08/2026 12:19

2 year old shares bed with you 2 nights a week whilst DH sleeps on sofa/sofa bed.

Wordsmithery · 14/08/2026 13:07

BalakayAARon · 13/08/2026 16:42

I wouldn't want the girls to share in those circumstances either. I ensured a bedroom each for my children when I bought my house, as sharing became an issue for my autistic son and his younger brother.

It is a shame you intended for the girls to share when you actually had a spare room that you planned would be taken by a potential future sibling. It's of course your decision as the adults of the home, but not one I would have intentionally made.

I agree. OP, you made the pecking order clear even before DH started the new family.
The girls need separate rooms so DS will have to bunk in with you.

Voice0fReason · 14/08/2026 13:22

likelysuspect · 13/08/2026 18:41

Yes how does the mum take them on holiday then? A 3 bedrooms apartment? 3 hotel rooms? Really?

As a mum of 2 autistic sons who really couldn't share a room, the answer is yes. We always had to get a 3 bedroom place on holiday, that includes occasional nights in hotel rooms.

ScaramoucheCanYouDoTheFandango · 14/08/2026 13:50

axolotlfloof · 14/08/2026 12:15

It's your home. Don't give the impression anyone else can say how you use the rooms.
Autistic children will learn to cope with sharing.

And while that child is learning, is the other 9 year old child who is being attacked just cannon fodder? They deserve to be protected and there are options available to protect her.

SillyOctopus · 14/08/2026 14:24

In Japan, it's common to have a baby or toddler in with the parents for years, so it's certainly doable. But it's your full-time house, soo your choice.

As an autistic person, I would look at the reasons for the meltdowns - they don't happen for no reason and it is better (for everyone) to be able to prevent them happening this than just avoid the issue. At night, when people are tired, meltdowns can become more easily triggered - there's less energy to cope or mask. The other sister might be triggering them without meaning to. It's worth finding out more about how autistic meltdowns work and sitting down together to make a plan about night time routines and how to behave well together. I'm sure both sisters would be happier that way.

Good luck!

GrandmasCat · 14/08/2026 15:07

nocoolnamesleft · 13/08/2026 21:17

The ex does have a right to dictate that her daughter is safe from violence at her dad's home. She can't specify how to achieve that, but clearly it must be achieved.

Sadly… it is not exactly that she has a right to dictate anything as nothing she could dictate can be enforced by anyone.

op, any chance they come in different nights? I bet the mum will hit the roof but that would avoid eldest daughter being hit and also, would allow for some very useful one-to-one with their dad according to their individual needs and preferences.

It is only fair and it could serve individual needs better

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 14/08/2026 17:54

Wordsmithery · 14/08/2026 13:07

I agree. OP, you made the pecking order clear even before DH started the new family.
The girls need separate rooms so DS will have to bunk in with you.

Show quote history

The ‘pecking order’? Would you say the same that it’s a pecking order that the 2 girls are to get own room. Everyone else has to bunk in or sleep on the sofa?