Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

[hibyebye]

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

I think it’s very unfortunate that you bought a house planning for the girls to share if that was not something they had done previously or were doing in their other house. And sharing clearly is not working. You can work on the behavior and create a workable environment for your children-all three of them. But it is not for your husband’s ex to tell you how you should work it out. You should work that out with the two girls. And it’s fair to have a discussion of what can be done with the space that you have to make sure that everybody feels like their needs are being accommodated.

If it’s a large double bedroom, can it be split into two to take two single beds?

Working on the behaviour is obviously important. But what is your immediate solution, because surely you’re not suggesting that your DSD just gets hit regularly?

Equally those stating OP shouldn't have had a DC as one of their DSD is autistic.

I ask those commenting...

Would you come to the same decision as with the OP and openly berate other mothers on MN that have also gone on to have more DC when they previously had a DC diagnosed as autistic?

Tell the Mum if thst's the case then they should come to stay on on different days. I bet she'll changer her tune then!

It is absolutely not a modern conception. If anything, the idea that children with significant needs can be taught how to function well within society is a new idea. You may teach autistic children, but some of us have relations over the age of 70 with significant needs - so don’t think for a second you’re an expert on how things used to be.

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What does your husband think, they are his children and he is responsible for prioritising and ensuring their needs are met.

If it is a safety/physical abuse issue them being in the same room, then that needs resolved promptly and it seems the easiest way for now is to have your young son in with you.

Can the girls come to you on different days? You only have them twice a week

The child hitting her sister should be disciplined not rewarded with her own room, there is 0 reason why 2 same sex children aged 7 and 9 can't share a room for a couple of nights. I'd be looking to address her behaviour, not uprooting everyone, autism or not she knows right from wrong, I assume she doesn't go around hitting people at school, therefore she knows not to do it.

It's nothing to do with the mother, if she wants them to have their own rooms well she can offer to buy you a 4 bed house.

YANBU. It’s perfectly normal and reasonable to expect two full siblings of the same sex and similar ages to share a room for a couple of nights a week. Their mum sounds jealous and is massively overstepping.

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The girls' mum has entered the chat.

Not tackling violence is clearly not putting a child first!

I assume she doesn’t go around hitting people at school

Why on earth would you assume that @SunsetDrifter? Plenty of children do hit children as school when they are distressed. Many children have TA support because of this. Less so at secondary school, but it is still something which happens.

Wow so you are letting his ex dictate where you sleep now and how you organise your house? If the girls can't get on the one that is causing the issue needs to have the sofa bed temporarily until they learn to share. If she hits then this needs dealing with. Explain the rules clearly. If they really can't share then have them one at once. The mum will need to d Al with it. I can't believe she said you shouldn't have had your son!

YANBU.

DONT mess your DS around in his own home. It’s not fair he should move rooms 2 nights a week at all- his space should remain the same in his only home.

I agree with room dividers or if they are in bunk beds could this be moved into the middle of the room to kind of divide it?

Definitely leave your DS to his own space.

And who does the other mother think she is dictating what goes on in your house!?

Tackling means getting to the root cause of it. Which is divorce, remarriage, step mum, new child, new home, sharing a bedroom, not being with her mum, massive upheaval of routine/being away from home twice a week.

You think a few rules will overcome all of that in a child with autism/SEN who is having meltdowns?

Exactly. When their needs aren't being met, meltdowns and violent behaviour are the result. Anywhere.

I second this idea!

I have 2 teen granddaughters with only a year between them, and the youngest is autistic. They've never been able to share a bedroom for very similar reasons (not to mention the youngest has the typical autistic sleep problems, which would have kept the other one awake anyway). The eldest has always been a carer/helper for her younger sibling, but because of that, we've always been very careful to ensure both kids get one-on-one time with the rest of the family, rather than them going as a pair. This means the needs of the youngest child can be met without ignoring the eldest one. The eldest also knows that she's going to get some time just for her, where the needs of her sister won't overshadow everything, and where she can just relax and be.

In the OP's position, I would definitely be looking to have them individually, rather than both together, so they can both get quality time, and both will be able to relax and feel safe.

Theres thread after thread on here from beleaguered mums about how their chlid is violent, to them, to peers and to siblings and they're given every bit of sympathy. They're not painted as 'letting them hit each other'. They're not questioned on why they havent got a bigger home. They're not questioned on why they went on to have another child when they already had an autistic child.

But this is a father so naturally he is in the wrong.

He is in the wrong because he is failing to safeguard his child. I call out both men and women on that.

Second this.

Of course it’s ok for same sex siblings to share. Gosh I shared until I left for uni!

Ex can butt out. She does not get to direct what is going on in your house.

I agree with you. Deal with the behaviour.

Separate the largest room into two with room dividers, you get the second largest room and son gets the smallest.

Divided bedroom, and work in their behaviour