DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

The OP is responsible for her child and her in-laws have made their position clear for years. As has her husband.

The OP is watching any damage that is being done, yet continually complains about the in-laws rather than doing anything about it.

She needs to take responsibility for the situation her daughters are in and do something about it rather than just expecting the same question to get a different answer one day.

Oh come on, @Notthegodofsmallthings , there are millions of stepchildren who have grown up NOT to be deeply scarred that their half siblings grandparents don't think of them as relatives.

They aren't inferior, they have just as much value as any other human being. I don't see why you equate Not Related to Inferior.

I am not a relative of my in-laws. I am not related to my brother's stepkids. I am not related to my best friend nor my milkman. I can value every one of those individuals and the relationships we have in an appropriate way.

The person who is potentially damaging the older girl (late teens I think?) is her mother. Her mother chose to make her part of a blended family. Her mother also attempted to insist she be considered a full relative of her new husband's wider family - this is not a call she gets to make.

If this young woman does feel lesser, it's because her obsessed mum has pitched it that way.

It’s unfortunate that anyone would choose to nurture an inferiority complex because they believed they were owed something they weren’t. It’s unfortunate that blame for such feelings of hurt, would be directed towards people who did nothing wrong.

You know what doesn’t work out? Trying to force people into feeling something they don’t, based on your ideals as to what they ‘should’ be. Of course it isn’t bullying to not treat someone as something they are not, no matter how much they may want you to. The reality is that half siblings do not have all the same relatives in common.

The grown ups aren’t afraid of anything, they just recognize the difference between someone who is related to them, and someone who isn’t.

And what do you suggest she does? Can you make your suggestions while having empathy and kindness for a woman, who is likely in her second marriage, with two young daughters, and wants to protect both her daughters, while her husband and his family have little emotional intelligence and understanding of the damage they are doing? Imagine her situation, and be kind?

I have suggested counselling for the husband, and clear boundary setting with the family. I'll also add this article https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/blended-family-grandparenting

Let's support the OP while she finds her way. It's very easy to get stuck in these type of situations, and the kindness of strangers can help beyond measure.

How do they recognise this difference? I'm really interested to know.

I know people who do not have the emotional intelligence/capacity to love a child that has come into their family cannot be forced to do so. I know they cannot see that leaving a child out and othering them is bullying (most bullies do not recognise themselves as such). I know they are afraid of something, as all bullies are.

What boundaries do you want OP to set?

If believing that offers you comfort then you do you, I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

The same way you recognize the difference between your mother and your mother in law, I imagine.

A family member choosing to marry someone with a child does not bind you into performing a specific relationship with that child.

“If you, random stranger, don’t give me what I, for some strange reason, think that I am owed from you, then I am going to blame you for my poor mental health in future”. An absurd and frankly risible notion.

A family member choosing to marry someone with a child does not bind you into performing a specific relationship with that child.

This child isn't a stranger though, it's their son's step-daughter his chosen family, and the grandparents are harming not only this girl's mental and emotional wellbeing but their bio granddaughter's, too. You know really that it's not comparable, right? And you know harming children is not ok, I'm sure.

Are you able to tell me how you recognise the difference between a step grandchild, and a blood grandchild? Obviously I am not talking about how they look. How do you tell the actual difference?

As human beings, our humanity should bind us into 'performing' kindness, empathy and humanity towards a child that comes into our family, however that may be. It's no good othering children, it harms everyone.

Sorry if this is triggering for you.

Tbh at this point the OP doesn’t need support.

Shes had years of support on here. Umpteen suggestions of ways to help. Every one ignored and then another thread down the line when inevitably it happens.

Either her DD1 doesn’t care - in which case the OP needs to accept that’s how it is, her DD doesn’t care and let it go.

And if it is impacting her Dd then she needs to start putting her first and actually do something. Rather than just complaining and hoping it changes next time.

Empathy wears out when someone repeatedly claims their child is being treated badly but does nothing about it.

The OP isn’t in an abusive relationship and it’s downright insulting to those who are to suggest she is.

And unless MN have changed their rules recently it’s not up to you who posts on threads. If you don’t like people posting with different opinions to you then you’re free to ignore it

Abuse occurs in all relationship structures and is not limited to spousal abuse. Othering one child in a family is abusive, ergo it is an abusive relationship. Hope that helps.

Yes, exactly, thank you for agreeing. The OP should be able to post for support as much as she wants, and nobody should gatekeep that, or tell her she's had enough empathy/support. Those who have exhausted their empathy can feel free to ignore the thread.

Not allowing their step-grandchild to use a family tiara is not abusive and it’s nonsense to suggest so. And in no way helpful to the Op to frame it as such.

And those who you disagree with are fine to continue posting with if they wish. Nobody needs your permission.

There's nothing OP can do about her ILs, as she doesn't have the power or influence, and she's unwilling to try and make it a deal breaker with DH either. She's chosen this for DD1 and continues to do so. If I were going to stay in this marriage, I'd think about therapy to cope with my feelings of sadness whenever ILs make it clear they don't think of DD1 as family, and be trying to establish practical alternatives for her whenever it's something she might actually want to do.

Othering one child in a family is abusive, ergo it is an abusive relationship

This isn't just a reach, it's actually offensive to those actually in abusive relationship. You should be embarrassed to spout such things.

Saying that a person who is not related to you is, you know, not related to you, isn't 'othering' them. It's recognising a reality - the stepfather's sister and parents are not related to the OP's eldest daughter from her first marriage.

My nieces have two stepparents. The parents of those stepparents are not my nieces' grandparents. My nieces are treated in a friendly manner, but they won't inherit, wear family heirlooms or appear in photos of their stepsiblings "Grandparents and Grandkids" photos. Because they are not in fact the grandchildren of those perfectly nice people and weren't deluded into thinking they should be.

There are a million different ways of being a family. There birth families, nuclear families, adoptive families, foster families, blended families, single parent families, co-parenting families, same sex parent families etc.

What there are not are rules that insist one household gets to control how wider family trees respond or build relationships. If the OP can't accept that she shouldn't have blended in the first place.

Triggering? Not at all. I’m mildly entertained, if anything.

Yes, they are. They’re the child of someone a family member married. There’s no inherent relationship there.

I’m legally or biologically related to my own family members, whereas I would not be related to any stepchild in either way.

I don’t think an entire family is required to revolve itself around someone’s idea of what they ‘should’ be to a stepchild, or around what that stepchild may want them to be. Other people are not performing monkeys in your circus.

You are of course entitled to your opinions, as you are free to wail when people inevitably choose to ignore them. All the bleating about cold hearted meanies isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference to the reality of many blended families, OP’s included.

Tell dd1 that you will buy her the most beautiful tiara she's ever seen and that she and dd2 can wear it to their weddings!

OP, I think you were brave to post on here again for support - and you really do deserve support. I hope you might find something helpful on this thread to set some boundaries for both your daughter's wellbeing.

Children can come into our lives and families in many different ways, and by loving them and including them as equals to any bio siblings, we enrich not only their lives, but ours. We can help them and their siblings understand healthy relationships and support them to build good emotional and mental wellbeing, and good morals. Who wouldn't want that, really?

All the best OP 💛

It’s not a choice between one child and the other. The elder daughter wearing the tiara doesn’t stop the younger one wearing it. But either way the MIL didn’t have to mention to a child that her sister will be excluded. The situation isn’t pressing for a decision either way so it’s just being unnecessarily unkind.

I didn’t say empathy did make people do what you’d like them to do. But it does make you understand their feelings about it. And it might influence behaviour.

Lack of empathy never makes someone feel better, so if you just want the OP to feel worse just crack on with your cold comments.

But either way the MIL didn’t have to mention to a child that her sister will be excluded.

To be fair - sounds like one of those random conversations.

Yiounger DD: I loved Cousin Mary’s tiara
Granny: Yes - it’s a family heirloom. All the “Surname” brides wear it. You’ll be the next one when you get married!
Younger DD: Older half sister might get married first
Granny: Ah - but she’s a “Smith” not a “Surname”

Could be as casual as that - a bit thoughtless on the part of Granny (and yes, shows she doesn’t see older DD as direct family - but that isn’t in doubt anyway!). Doesn’t sound like a deliberate point scoring exercise.

Loving all these posters advising the OP to get her own tiara. I’m assuming if it’s a family heirloom we’re talking Bentley & Skinner or Garrard rather than Claire’s Accessories…..?

I'm wondering about if it's passed down. Lots of people saying the MIL is mean for saying the SD won't wear it, but would they expect the SD to inherit the tiara if she was the "oldest granddaughter" (if that was hypothetically the tradition)?

As a counterpoint, I was a stepchild in a family where the adults were pretending we were all the same and I loathed it. I hated calling people who weren’t related to me ‘auntie x’ and most of all hated people describing me as my oarent’s partner’s ’sister’.

Your increasingly hyperbolic posts on this thread are one thing but that second paragraph sounds like the blurb to some sickeningly saccharine American soap

The family heirloom might be fugly - look at all the poor women having to navigate being presented with a hideous engagement ring that belonged to great granny and has been passed down!
Also, beautiful doesn't have to mean massively expensive. I'm sure that OP could get something lovely for older dd, particularly now she's aware that this will come up in future, so she's got time to prepare. Dd2 might well want to wear the one her sister has too and tell spiteful granny she can keep her bloody tiara!

I don't think there are any circumstances where it was okay to say to a child that dd1 isn't 'entitled' to wear this.