DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

Agree. Your dd can start her own heirloom and it will feel far more precious.

As a step mum I am shocked at the responses on here.

It's not about the tiara. It's about them happily signposting to a child that their sibling is 'lesser' in the family

She's not 'lesser' as a person, she just isn't related to those people. At all.
Just as the OP's younger daughter isn't related to the elderly daughter's family in Ireland.

The OP"s been complaining about this for years. Why she had to cry about it now, after about 12 years of knowing they do not consider her a relative, is a bit weird.

That's really not an equivalent situation.

A adopted child becomes the legal child of the adoptive parents, they are their only parents. For whatever reason their biological parents are no longer legally the child's parent.

My step child still has a (loving) mother and father, and grandparents on both sides too.

Adoption is nothing like a step parent situation for the parents or grandparents.

You just found out your MIL doesn’t consider your first child from a previous relationship, a relation. I guess she is not related to that child by blood, however your second daughter is related to that child by blood as she is her half sister.

If your MIL has a problem with her son being in a relationship with a woman who already has a child that was something she needed to have taken up with him. Not used an opportunity to make that clear to your youngest child. For that reason I would be very, very angry and our relationship would be (probably) irretrievably damaged.

I agree and this is why the parents shouldn't do it IMO. It's illogical and ridiculous to think that the wider family OUGHT to love another child in the same way that they love their related children and every poster on this thread criticising them if they don't is delusional.

On our family, everyone is family. Something like this, an item which is passed around to be worn and returned to whomever is responsible for looking after the item, what difference would it make if a non biological adult child wore the item for a day. It’s hardly the Crown Jewels. But we do treat everyone equally, and wouldn’t put an item, above a person. On the other hand, being obliged to wear some old tiara, I’d probably pass. Blood or not.

As an aside i thought it was very interesting that my partner was in a 15 year relationship before me and helped raise her child, his step daughter for all that time including paying her private school fees, yet when their relationship broke down the adult daughter immediately sided with the mother. I’ve heard countless similar stories over the years which really makes me believe that blended families rarely work, and unless there’s a blood connection people just walk away from each other.

OP: I am angry and tearful.

Honestly OP, when marrying into step families, you need to be prepared for such and also prepare your DD accordingly.

Otherwise you'll spend your married years full of resentment.

Kids are smart enough to understand when explained appropriately.

MIL didn't have to explain in that particular time/way but that is unfortunately why you need to have the chat about step families from the get go, as others won't do it to your timetable.

Your daughter has a father , your husband isn’t it .
This tradition is for the women in your husbands family .
People like to pretend children and step children are the same but it’s simply not true .
All children should be treated with kindness of course but let’s not pretend that your daughter means the same to your MIL as her own grandchild .

Believe me, she didn’t just find this out. She has been brow beating her ILS for years trying to make them feel differently about DD1, and pretend she’s a biological relative.

OP you cannot make people feel things they don’t feel and it’s wrong and pointless to try.

For your sanity, and your DD1 sake, you need to accept this and crack on with life.

It's a nasty way for MIL to deal with a remark made by a 9 year old child, whatever their relationship.

The child saw something that probably, to her mind, was pretty and sparkly, and thought, 'when I get married I want to look like a princess and wear that pretty thing on my head that my cousin is wearing at her wedding.'

But MIL had to bring her down and 'put her right' on her position in the family. Something that didn't need to be pointed out to a child.

Yes, it is hypothetical and very possibly will not be and issue when the little girl gets married, or doesn't get married, or does whatever the future holds.

It's not even as if the child was asking to have the sparkly thing. She just made the assumption, that as a member of the family, she would also wear it on her wedding day. Is that such a lot to ask?

I'd be far more upset about the way MIL saw fit to deal with my child, obviously feeling the need to point out her position in the family, not so much about my child not being allow to wear the thing at some unspecified, possibly never to happen, future date.

And OP's husbands is being a dick to laugh at her. Clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Perhaps legally although in respect of the child being part of a blended family that child imo should be treated like one of their own by all parents and grandparents involved.

It wasn’t said to the stepchild.

Mean. Fuck their tiara and the horse it rode in on.

Yep, OP has known this for years. It's not new information.

Given that neither she nor her DH actually has the power to insist on his relatives treating DD in a particular way, it's either a deal breaker or it isn't. OPs actions show that it isn't.

Adopted children are different. Their son would have legal rights and responsibilities to the child should the marriage end or the op say die.

In this situation the op leaves or dies and the child goes off to her biological father’s family or another maternal family member the dh and his family would never see her again because she isn’t their family they have no legal connection giving them rights or responsibilities.

Although some families do still treat adopted children different.

These threads bob up every now and then. There are usually plenty of replies about how horrible the in laws are and how their family are so much nicer, OP must get something out of reading them I guess.

The reality is step children are perceived differently by many, especially extended family, which is understandable. But MIL was a bitch to sow that seed in a young kid's head. I mean, they weren't talking about inheriting it, just wearing it.

I'm with the PP who suggested buying your own fabulous family bridal tiara, chosen by both the girls, and then if/when the time comes, no-one is left without a family tiara on their wedding day. TBH If it were me, I'd buy best bridal tiara going so the 'other' family one wouldn't get a look in, but then I'm petty as fuck.

Yubu.

Unless they offer it out to other non blood relatives to wear?

I don’t think there’s a problem as such that they don’t plan for your older daughter to wear the tiara as she’s not a direct relative- I know from experience as a stepchild myself and having 2 children of my own who are, that these things are often not straightforward.

However, there are ways to say these things and it doesn’t sound like it was done in a particularly kind way, especially when speaking to a child about another child, in this case, her sister.

Mumsnet was not the place to ask this if you want a blanced and fair answer. The general consensus is that no they aren’t family and MIL is right. Step children/parents and MIL are a bizzare topic on here from what I see.

but MIL is mean and to say it like she has to a small child is unforgivable. Do they actually treat the two equally or does DD2 get treated more favourably in general.

best get saving for a tiara for DD1 & 2 to use and pass through the family line on from them

But you have your own family on your mums side and your dad’s side. Why do you need to claim your stepparents family as well?

If one of your siblings got married you wouldn’t be expecting your sister/brother in laws parents etc to be taking you on as their own family and this is the same.

When a parent with a child remarries a new partner it is that new partner who has chosen to accept a child that isn’t their own, that doesn’t mean every other person connected to that new partner has to do the same. People shouldn’t be blackmailed or held to pressure just because of other people’s decisions.

Ah yes, I suppose I might have misunderstood that.

However, the child was told the history of the tiara, which I took to mean that the fact that women in the family wear it and further, was told she was a 'dopey dolly', whatever that means, and she isn't related to the women in the family: ergo she wouldn't be eligible to wear it.

I just realised that this poster makes frequent posts on the various events happening where DD1 is singled out as not family.

not sure the OP is ever getting the responses I think she wants. I think she maybe needs to leave hubby and try a new husband and family at this point