DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

Far too many parents expect and demand that their new boyfriend / husband’s family act like better people than their own child’s biological family. Sure it would be great if they wanted to do that but they have no obligation to do so.

If you don’t want your child treated like a step child, don’t make them one to start with.

His family are under zero obligation to step up and become doting grannies and aunties. They should be polite, they should give birthday and Christmas cards and a gift. It doesn’t have to match their other grandchild’s gift either.

You do your children no favours raising them to expect to be equally entitled to someone else’s families time or money.

Most step children wouldn’t inflict a step family on their own children. Most step families are never actually blended most of the time At least one person is very very unhappy by it.

People that then do the whole well I’ll stop your relative seeing our shared child just fuck up the relationship with that child who then resents them for ruining their extended family relationships because they do funnily enough realise that their family isn’t their siblings family.

You are being ridiculous. This is just such a non-event. I dont even think they were being nasty but encouraging your daughter to think more logically. They were not saying these girls would be barred from wearing it they were just pointing out that it is unlikely that she will want to. In the ex's position would you want your daughter wearing something from the new woman's family on her wedding day?
Your 9 year old should be well aware that your step children have their own mother and family.

Don't mean to sound horrible, but she IS only her step child. If you and your husband were to split up she would have not contact with her again.
A family heirloom generally stays within the family.

Team OP. Cruel as fuck. How hard would it have been for actual adults to smile and nod along.

And hilarious-not-hilarious that DH is all "oh it was hypothetical! Don't get your knickers in a twist" when the conversation stemmed from a NINE year old playing make believe about her hypothetical wedding! And the adults couldn't even play along.

Mean an unnecessary.

There was no need for them to say that, it probably just came out but it’s mean. I’d guess dopey dolly is like silly billy but not loving it!! Op I would think a lot of people would think like this about heirlooms which is crap but totally their prerogative

Also has your dh adopted your dd1? If not then how do you expect other people to view her as his own?

I always find it weird when people expect their new husband/wife’s extended family to
treat their children the same as they would a blood relation - they have zero obligation to, sure it would be nice if they did, but from their point of view they had no say in this random child entering their lives. As long as the new step parent is doing a good job of being fair that should be all that matters.

This exactly.

Tiara aside. The family members do NOT need to say to a 9 year old that her sister isn’t related to their family full stop. Kids like to talk about weddings or future ideas which are just ideas and fantasy and there would have been no harm in letting her believe the tiara will be worn by her big sister then her. She is thinking in terms of family lines which is totally normal and healthy. What’s not healthy is her grandmother and auntie making her sister seem “less than” due to their own feelings about it. Presumably their son/brother sees dd1 as a daughter (if he’s a decent dad) so they should be accepting of this as a minimum. And wearing an heirloom on the day isn’t passing it down to that person so even IF she wanted to wear it where would be the harm? She IS in DHs family… legally and morally.
@StarbucksSally you’re not wrong at all in this.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable.

First for teasing DD2. I know you meant no harm but teasing children about perfectly ordinary things they will do as a grown up isn't a very good idea. Children think about and plan for their future lives. They need to be able to discuss their emerging thoughts and know you'll treat them with respect.

Things pass from mother to daughter and while I don't think your in-laws comments were tactful or particularly appropriate, the concept is acceptable - if you had a family tiara you would expect her to wear it over one from say, her dad's partner.

Is no one else disgusting that an adult described a child as a ‘dopey dolly?!’ Sounds like nasty bully behaviour. The tiara is sort of irrelevant. If that’s how the child is spoken about in front of her 2 year old sister imagine what is said among other adults.

The OP has already been made aware that the IL’s are structuring their inheritance in such a way that SC cannot be considered ‘a child of the family’ and therefore in any position to claim inheritance in the future. She was also not invited to a family wedding when the full siblings were. The SC does not see the IL’s as a result.

The faux shock over this child not being able to use the family tiara is then slightly incongruous.

There always seems to be a backstory in threads like this.

Sorry that a majority of the people commenting on this thread appear to be utterly tone-deaf and ignorant of the situstion. It speaks volumes of what they think about step-children.

Your MIL was crass, mindless, and spiteful. Once you take a child into a family they become your family whether blood related or not. To not allow another child to not wear something so materialistic is just selfish.

Let her wear the tiara ffs! She obviously felt comfortable enough to see MIL as her Nan and the MIL should have seen that as a privilege. This is a lot more than just a tiara, this comes with connotations of a step family making you feel like an outsider with just a few words. It goes further than an heirloom. Is nobody capable of independent thought!? Put your chardonnay down and go touch grass.

Neither of the daughters could possibly want to wear a tiara for their wedding. I had a simple courthouse wedding and would look ridiculously in a tiara. They are not honor bound to wear a tiara. They will be adults and their own people. Your thinking way too much ahead.

If she’s not related then she wouldn’t wear any sort of family heirloom. But, it’s hypothetical. 🤷‍♀️

You can't decide to blend families and then expect, and police, how the wider family must treat children who are not blood relatives. The wider family didn't choose this ridiculous setup, so there's no onus on them to do anything but to treat the other family with respect. But that doesn't involve treating unrelated children to inheritances and being invited on family holidays.The wider family aren't obliged to treat unrelated children they see maybe a couple times a year as "equals", and it's really unreasonable for anyone to drag their family into their own personal choices. It's controlling too.

OPs difficulty is that her DHs family very much do not think this, given her previous posts.

I wouldn't personally have said anything about a bloody tiara to a kid, notwithstanding we have nothing like that in my family because poverty, but nothing about their previous behaviour can have made OP think they do see her DD as part of the family. They've been pretty clear that they didn't in fact take the child in themselves. If you're going to stay in the relationship in those circumstances, you're making a choice about your child being treated in a particular way.

I am a step GM who loves her step GC but I am and will always be their step GM, it's just fact.

I don’t think the issue is the tiara and who gets to wear it (let’s face it neither DD will probably want to as adults unless they are really into the Princess Di look). It’s why they made a comment at all to DD2 drawing attention to them seeing DD1 as different. It’s divisive and it just doesn’t need to be said.

If I was in your situation, the first thing I’d be going when I got home from holiday would be to visiting my local bridal shops with the girls, and choosing a tiara that will start their own heirloom/tradition.

your in-laws can shove their tiara up their arses.

This

This is what I think most people are missing.

It's not about the tiara. It's about them happily signposting to a child that their sibling is 'lesser' in the family.

Every time I read a post like this I go back to the same thought. In a blended family a step child is the equivalent of an adopted child. The step child imo should be just as important a part of what is now known as a blended family which is exactly what it is. Anything less than this is like saying an adopted child is less relevant within a pre-existing family unit which of course is utterly ridiculous.

I’d be more put out by the dopey dolly comment.

This isn’t the Royal family where arguments ensue over who wants to wear what tiara.

I agree it’s an obnoxious attitude to have about step children.

First of all, how old are your two daughters? Because the first thing to consider is if this is actually exactly what was said and exactly what happened. It's just such an odd phrase but maybe it's regional.

My grandmother had a specific piece of jewellery that passed down from eldest daughter to eldest daughter each generation. So from her to my mum to me to my daughter eventually. Her other granddaughters asked about it once (not in a rude way at all just talking about it) and she explained the tradition so they weren't surprised. So if your mother has a family heirloom that has a history to it, it's natural that there's an expectation that it would be passed down the generations. Would you really expect her to pass it to her step-granddaughter? Is she adopted into her family? If so, that's trickier, but otherwise I think it's pretty reasonable to assume a family item would go down the family as it has before.