DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

Well presumably when your DD gets married she will herself be a grown adult and therefore perfectly able to understand that relationships within stepfamilies take a million different forms and that its not a massive slight on her personally if she isnt treated 100% the same way?

I'm with your husband here, it's hypothetical.

Is it a valuable tiara? Or just one of those made in China thingys?

Has the tiara been passed down several generations of your husband's family?

If so, then it will pass to his child not his step child.

If it was only worn by his mum and his aunt, and now his cousin then they are being a bit precious but they may be trying to start a tradition since both your husband and his sister have had girls, so the above still applies.

Sorry not sure I fully follow -

Is it that you have a daughter, who is not related to your MIL, who was told she couldn't wear a tiara that her sister (who is related to your MIL) is going to wear?

If that's the case then tbh I think it's OK if it's a special heirloom of that side of the family.

But the "Dopey Dolly" comment is not OK.

So, this is a tiara that all the women in your husband’s family wear at their weddings? And you have a daughter from a previous man, so she isn’t related to your husband’s family?

Would she even want to wear it then? Don’t you have anything like that in your family, or her own dad’s family that she would want to wear? I’m sure if she wants to wear it then your husband will make sure that happens, which is probably why he is laughing at you for getting so worked up.

How do your in laws usually treat your daughter? If it’s usually been happy families then I’d let this one go. It sounds like a clumsy misstep; it’s their family tradition and your older daughter might have her own from her own family, so they haven’t thought about her joining in with their thing. Your husband won’t let her be refused and can have a word if it ever comes to it.

I mean she’s not wrong. Your older child is their step grandchild. If they don’t want her to wear the family tiara because she’s step that’s up to them so they just corrected Dd2 when she mentioned her sister using it.

Dopey dolly I’ve not heard before but I’ll call children silly sausages so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Compared to any experience I have in RL of step families the majority of posters comments will definitely say that its fine.

Obv it depends on a number of things, incl how long the SC have been in the family but most families I know blend way better than is said on MN and SC treated as part of the family

Either way what she said insulting her was out of order.

Sounds like the Tiara has been wore by generations of your husband's family. I am sorry but I wouldn't be assuming dd1 would be offered it to wear. It would certainly be nice if it is offered but with blended families it has to be expected that extended family may not see them the same as their siblings.

TBF she isn't related, but deep down I suspect you already know that.

There was zero need for your MIL to point out to your younger DD that her elder sister isn’t her full sister/grandchild.

Its needlessly petty to point out the step relationship to a 9yo who is fantasy chatting about weddings that may not even happen

Well she isn’t related to them is she?
If this is a sentimental piece of jewellery passed down through the family it should go to DD2 first really.
Also this is all hypothetical so not worth spoiling your holiday over

I don't think it's right that your husband is laughing at you because you are upset even if yabu. Your MIL isn't wrong your child is her step grandchild and the family heirlooms won't be passed to her. However MIL is wrong for pointing it out to your younger DD.

I don't think it's great that he's laughing at you when you are obviously genuinely upset, even if he himself would not be at all bothered and doesn't understand why you are. He could and should apply the same "hypothetical situation" standards to his mother and aunt as they could have just ignored the purely hypothetical comment from a 9yo that her big sister will marry first and wear the tiara first rather than belittling her and launching into a survey of anthropological kinship.

And of course "Dopey Dolly" is inappropriate, even if her name is Dolly (otherwise, it sounds like they might've been watching too much All In The Family or similar); a 9yo isn't going to have thought through or even be aware of specific restrictive family traditions around tiaras. Bottom line, though - if your 9yo is distressed over this, talk it through calmly with her. Otherwise drop it for now and discuss it later with your husband in private if you still want to.

Ugh. Just ugh. Of course MN will enjoy the symbolic rejection of the OP’s DD1 in the future refusal of her husband’s relatives yo so much as loan her the use of the tiara for her wedding. The tiara isn’t being consumed or given away! Its literally no loss to the family if it were to be loaned out for the hypothetical wedding.

But its always very important for the children of a previous relationship to be shown where they stand, outside the magical circle of the “real “ family. Ludicrous, spiteful, and absurd greed over some trumpery sense of family importance.

What? I’ve got two boys, and they are the stepchildren to my partner and inlaws (long long term, just not married). I’ve commented that the OP is taking this way too seriously. It’s nothing to do with thinking step kids should be treated differently. But in this case, it’s really not an issue.

And don’t forget that this girl has her own family - she has a mum with a family, a dad with a family and now a step dad with a family. Wearing or not wearing a tiara belonging to the women of her step dad’s family just really doesn’t matter at this stage in her life. OP crying over it really is just too much.

Appreciate other posters saying that telling her she couldnt wear it was mean of her, but I sort of think it would be meaner to let her think she could wear it for years then have to let her down gently at some point.... but I appreciate the idea of upsetting a 9 year old upfront isnt that appealing either!

Of everyone I've known in my life, there was precisely one person who wore a real tiara of the antique £££££ kind at their wedding (and is was her husband's family heirloom) The late Queen lent out plenty to women marrying in.

I think it's a mean comment to make about a little girl, whether said tiara would be the envy of Queen Camilla or from Claire's Accessories. Match your energy accordingly.

They didn’t tell her. It was her sister (their grandchild/niece) who said “my sister will wear it first” and the aunt pointed out that her sister isn’t related to them so might not wear it. The daughter being discussed hasn’t been told anything, and may not even want to wear it as she has her own dad and family and may have her own family traditions. If she does want to wear it, then it sounds like OP’s husband will make that happen, seeing as he’s told OP there is no issue here.

It was an unnecessary comment from your MIL.

It would have been far better just to let that go past.

They are both presumably a long way off thinking of marriage and the difference between them didn’t need to be pointed out.

The core of OP’s post, I think, is that MIL said things that made her daughter feel “less than” not really a full, valued member of the family. It’s a family tiara. The girl is family. It’s one damn day and the tiara is not the Crown Jewels. At a minimum, MIL is being thoughtless and insensitive. OP is aware that at this point wearing the tiara or not is a hypothetical question. But MIL’s statements about it clearly show how dismissive she is of OP’s daughter. As a mother, I don’t blame her for being upset on behalf of her child.

I think this is one of those occasions where you have to hold certain views, in tension, at the same time.

For you she is completely your daughter alongside second daughter. Completely loved.

For your mil and sil, they see a both your daughters differently, and the divide is along family blood lines.

While you can hope total acceptance and love would cover coming into a new family - it’s probably quite rare, if you were to dig down into people’s views on step family members.

Your mil and sil have just said out loud what people mostly keep quiet about.

I think I would judge your mil and sil more on how they treat your two daughters day to day than on this comment.

Mil did nothing wrong, she just told the truth.

What were you teasing your dd about? It doesn’t seem kind for you to tease about a family tradition and it would make you a hypocrite if you objected to the Dopey Dolly comment.

If you didn’t want your children to be subjected to the reality of step family, don’t create one.

The relationship is just reality, Op.

And an hypothetical wedding.

Would you expect that an heirloom owned by your eldest DD's paternal grandmother would be naturally worn by your younger DD at her wedding? NO.

However in either case your DD's can always ask at the time to borrow any tiara and be prepared for any answer.

I voted YANBU, OP. It's not a hypothetical situation, it's a real life family situation where they've made clear that they don't consider your DD as part of the family. That's really hurtful, even if they've only finally verbalised that thought, and also created an awareness of that division for DD2, which she didn't see previously. I would assume though that they tret DD1 well generally if this comment surprised and hurt you. I think you do need to clarify for us though how long your DD has been part of the family and since what age, and how involved her Dad/ Dad's family are in her life. If your previous H isn't around and she doesn't really have a family she knows or sees on his side then it would be worse. In that case, perhaps your DH could adopt her.

I would let it go. No need to turn it into something bigger for DD1's sake. But I think YANBU for feeling hurt that she's not considered family.

I would feel offended.