DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

Don’t you have anything like that in your family, or her own dad’s family that she would want to wear?

Loving the assumption that every family has heirloom jewellery for its brides.

Op has a right to feel upset. The comment was unnecessary, especially to dd1's younger dsis.

However @StarbucksSally you married into this family, not your dd. You have put her in this position of being less than.
Too many wives in second marriages complain about the way their first dc is treated but they still marry into the family.

Here we go, another step child post.

Your daughter is important to you. She is your family. Yes your husband has decided to take her on but that doesn’t mean anyone in his life has to automatically treat this child like their blood because she isn’t. They can be kind to her and like her but she isn’t their Grandchild/niece etc.

You can only view the situation from your eyes because she’s your daughter.

Why are you making a big pout if this? Your eldest isn't related to your SIL. Surely everyone involved is perfectly aware of this.

I'm taking Dopey Dolly as on a par with Silly Billy.

I don't understand, are you upset because your youngest was told that the oldest isn't related to them - or that your youngest was told that your eldest can't wear a family heirloom on her hypothetical wedding day due to her not being a blood relative?

Either way, I don't think your mother-in-law committed the crime of the century. I would have personally just kept my mouth zipped as these are just kids, but on the other hand...I think it's problematic if you have convinced your daughter she's no different in a family that's not hers. Please don't fool your daughter like this.

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?
Well, she won't actually be a child on her wedding day, will she. Unless you approve of child marriage?

Hopefully, as an adult, your oldest daughter is capable of understanding the concept of blood relatives and step families, and that step families don't always enjoy the same privileges in a family they're not really from. And who's to say she'd even want to wear a/the damn tiara on her wedding day way down the line in the future? You're being a bit ridiculous here...

Also, you can't really expect your husband's family to view your eldest daughter as exactly one of them when she, in fact, isn't. That's one of the many "joys" of blending families, you have to come to terms with kids likely being treated differently. As much as you want your child to be seen as a equal part of YOUR new family, you can't actually force people to look past blood ties. Nor should you.

Why were you teasing your DD about the tiara in the first place?

Did DD2 know DD1 was a step sister? As said this event is a long way off and a lot can change not worth getting into a state about now.

That is what a blended family is people actually in the blended family may treat children the same, no one else does

this cannot be a surprise and all the ''well it is not fair!!!!!!!'' doesn't change it

why are people shocked?

Actually that’s a lovely idea. You could set up a new tradition of a beautiful tiara for YOUR family including both your daughters. Your MIL is being unnecessarily mean spirited to not let a family member borrow an item for the day.

As for your husband he shouldn’t be laughing at you. You have every right to be protective of your eldest. It must be hard to be the only one with a different father and that would hurt even more if the biological father was not very involved, there weren’t loving grandparents etc.

Yeah OP you start threads repeatedly about how your ILS refuse to buy into your fantasy that they are related to your DD1.

You take offence at the slightest perceived affront. This cannot be doing you any good, and I really hope you aren’t letting your weird issues affect your DD1.

Why would she feel the need to say that, even if it is true? I hope DD2 was aware they had different dads, if not doubly bad.

Because emotions aren’t rational and not everyone feels the same? And saying you can’t change things never, ever takes the hurt and the sadness away. Haven’t you learned that yet?

Why aren’t you more empathetic? Equally odd for me.

Absolutely this.

YABU because they’re right; she isn’t related to them.

There is always the chance your d wouldn't want to wear it even if she was allowed to. What would the previous wearers to then? Cry? Stamp on their handbags?🙄

Honestly, I'm baffled by the number of posters that think you're being unreasonable. When you blend a family, children should be treated equally. They clearly don't see your eldest as an equal part of their family. One of my closest "relatives" isn't actually related to me by blood, I adore her and I know she feels the same way about me - I'm treated exactly the same as her blood relatives. I honestly thought this was the norm, but the horrible comments I see on here abput stepchildren not deserving the same treatment as bio children makes me feel extremely lucky.

How incredibly sad that your family and many posters think it's completely logical to deny a small child the tiniest of inconsequential favours. It's completely baffling. My family has adoption, step relatives, half relatives and donor conception and everyone is treated equally, thank god. Sometimes this website makes me wonder whether that is the norm but it is without doubt the right way to do things.

I'd be tempted to buy a new wedding tiara if DD1 wanted one as an adult, which could then be used by DD2 and any subsequent women in the family (no DNA test required) rendering MIL's tiara completely redundant.

She hasn’t wanted a relationship with them for years, there’s no way she’ll want their family tiara tradition. Seriously, stop fighting the fact that your daughters have different relatives and get some therapy. Your husband must be at the end of his bloody tether, he probably laughed because otherwise he’d have cried.

Add this to Ways Step Families Fuck With Kids 101.

Bodged together families nine times out of ten just damage the kids involved.

Parents put their own children in these situations, empathy doesn't make other people do what you think they should

That’s horrible. Poor child. It’s not an heirloom to keep it’s worn once then put away. Unless she happens to get married on the same day as a blood relative what’s the harm? It would just be in a box somewhere. Could your in laws say any more clearly ‘you are not really part of this family’? I can’t imagine ever being like that. I would be fuming at this unkindness.

Yes get a much more beautiful valuable one.

I agree with poster up thread. The tiara could be loaned for the day it's not like it would need to be given away forever, so for that reason it's mean and spiteful of your mil and sil to be saying this to your 9 year old. I hope they treat the girls more equally in their everyday lives. I'd be telling both DC they are sisters and should treated equally.

People have no idea how much this stuff hurts. As a stepchild you know you are different, you know you are a relic of a long dead relationship. This shit just sort of confirms it. And see all the posters on here who likely have no idea what it’s like to be ushered into a room of people and told they are your family, when you know they don’t really need you there or feel much towards you.

Careful. My partner's older half maternal sister is a demanding, spoilt, jealous nightmare due to everyone trying so hard to stop her feeling excluded when she was little. Her half siblings still aren't allowed to have anything she hasn't got without her going off on one. She's 60 (& lonely)!

Yes, I'd be annoyed too. Its not about the tiara, it's that your husband's relatives felt the need to tell a child that her sister had a different status in the family in their eyes. Totally unecessary when they could have just let DDs comment pass.
Personally I can never understand the 'our genes are sacrasant, no way can an object used by our blood line be besmirched by someone with different DNA' attitude and think less of those who hold it. But it's their stuff to share as they choose. However no need to hammer it home to a child.