DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

Your MIL and SIL lack emotional maturity and intelligence and cling to old fashioned views about what a family is. Same as lots of posters on here, it seems.

They do not have the ability to recognise they are hurting not only you and your older daughter but also your younger daughter. There is enough research out there that demonstrates the long term damage done to the biological grandchild. Not least that love is conditional and you can be rejected and treated unfairly if you don't meet your family's rules about what a family should be.

You won't change them, but you and your husband can agree a set of strong boundaries that protects both of your children's mental and emotional health.

And you can post as many times as you want on here about it - it sounds like this is an ongoing issues creating a toxic environment in your family, and you want support. Don't let anyone on here tell you otherwise.

Maybe some talking therapy might support your husband to understand how his childhood has shaped his views of what a family is, and help him understand the damage being done to both his daughters, and how to support you all in dealing with his family.

@StarbucksSallyYour in-laws have made it clear over the years, as has your husband, that they don’t see your DD1 as their relative.

Expecting a different response every time an issue comes up is going to get you precisely nowhere.

You can’t change their views. You can’t change your husbands views. Your only two choices are to change your expectations or change the relationship and walk away from them all.

They’re never going to see your DD1 as their grandchild/niece. You know this. Accept it and build your life around that (either by staying or going) or you’re just going to spend years and years being upset every time they cement their stance

But a step child has another family that is an important part of their life. Treating them as if this isn't the case could be stressful for the child.

Oh it’s that poster, who has forbidden her younger dd to see paternal family unless they do the exact same for her elder daughter who’s not related?

I think that’s a different one and they’ve now split up. This one is sadly still flogging a dead horse.

Well also an adopted child remains part of the family if the parents split. For every thread where people are berated for not treating a step child as equal there’s another where a family did just that, the parents split and they never saw the ex-step kids again. Which can be very painful. Some people go through several relationships which include step kids and once bitten their relatives decline to get too attached to children who might disappear from their lives in an instant.

Saying step kids and adopted ones are the same is extremely devaluing of adoption.

You know, a person doesn’t have a limit on how many people constitute their family. A stepchild should be treated as simply family by the adults in their lives. It doesn’t matter how many people are on one side or another, or still another. This arbitrary gatekeeping reflects very badly on people who behave like MIL.

Meanwhile, back in reality, there’s nothing abnormal about treating stepchildren differently, precisely because they are different. OP’s DD2 is their grandchild, whereas DD1 isn’t.

All the wailing about it in the world won’t change that this is very much the reality of blended families. They are not the same as nuclear families, and you cannot force people to indulge your desire to pretend they are. Just ask OP, she’s spent years trying.

Yep, haters gonna hate. So it goes.

DD1 can wear a tiara from her father's family side. And not let DD2 borrow it, if it is a prettier tiara, than the MIL's tiara.

Bravo, spot on.

Whilst in an ideal world everything may be super rosy and everyone blissfully happy and equal, this OP has known for years that her in laws simply don’t feel like that.

Her husband doesn’t object to his family’s position. When neither child was invited to his brother’s wedding he complained, then was fine with just his DD being invited. He knows how his family feels and accepts it.

She knows this so gnashing teeth and expecting a different outcome every time something happens is just pointless. They’re not going to change.

They are, yes. Which is about the best advice OP could have here. Her ILs attitudes are long established, very clear and she continues in the marriage in full knowledge of them.

As it's not a deal breaker, she should proceed without being surprised at anything they do to distinguish her DD from their blood relatives, and have ongoing contingency plans to mitigate any impact. In this instance, perhaps telling her own DDs they'll start a new tiara tradition would be an option. They won't necessarily get married or want a tiara if they do, but the point is to set out their own things as desirable and DD1 as an active participant in family traditions of her own.

OP has spent years trying to make her daughter something she isn’t to her in laws, despite their repeatedly making it unequivocally clear that it isn’t going to happen. They are undoubtedly hyper aware of the issue, and don’t want to leave anything open to interpretation lest it invites more pushing from OP. Perhaps they would have been more laid back about the subject of the tiara if this wasn’t the history, but it is.

This is also likely why the husband laughed, not necessarily because he found it funny, but because OP is once again gnashing her teeth over the same old issue. It must be exhausting.

OP, your in laws aren’t going to change. They’ve never considered your daughter to be anything but what she is to them, and you’ve known that all along. Neither they nor your husband have ever wavered in their stance. Reacting as you do is utterly pointless, and all you’re doing is creating drama for the sake of creating drama. You’ve said previously that this isn’t a dealbreaker for you, so the only thing you really can do is accept it.

Yes, hypothetical

So Massively unnecessary, divisive and unkind for MIL to have said it. And to have called your Dd names in the process.

I am not surprised you are upset. Your MIL took an opportunity, over a fun conversation about a hypothetical scenario to point out that Dd2’s sister is not ‘real family’

Because it’s cold hearted, hurtful, and rude. The people who behave this way not only want to deny the validity of a blended family, they also insist on feeling superior to those family members.

“Only”. What a delight.

Me, too.

OP is hurt because of her own unreasonable expectations of her in laws that she rudely pushes, repeatedly. Okay, she’s hurt. That doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong. That is entirely an OP problem.

She’s a stepchild. They aren’t going to pretend she’s the same to them as their actual family members, because she isn’t. Far from invalidating a blended family, it’s acknowledging the reality of it. Sure, emulating a nuclear family may work for some families, but that isn’t something that can be expected, or demanded, of all. Unless you want to be disappointed, of course, because it isn’t going to happen.

Having another family doesn’t mean she can’t be part of this one.

It doesn't mean she can't be, but she evidently isn't. OP has tried and failed to make that happen.

I can't believe anyone thinks you are unreasonable. My MiL calls my son her grandson, treats him equally and everything such. I can't imagine treating a child that way.

But also I wouldn't have married him if I didn't know that he and his family would treat my son the same as all the grandchildren.

She isn't related. You can't dictate how grandparents and extended family view her unfortunately.

If you all knew the long term outcomes for both sister's mental and emotional health, I don't think you would be writing these replies.

Think of a time when you felt on the outside. How that felt. Now imagine that day after day, year after year, from childhood. Imagine the damage that does.

Now imagine a time when you have witnessed someone else being pushed out or bullied. How did you feel? Imagine seeing that happen to your own sister, day after day, year after year. Imagine the damage that does.

Othering people has never worked out well, in any context, we know that. Strip it back and it's bullying isn't it? Why are these grown-ups so afraid of loving and caring for a child who is part of their family? What do they think will happen? What do you think will happen?

You don't have the right blood.
You don't have the right class.
You don't have the right sex.
You don't have the right colour.
You don't have the right physical abilities.
You don't have the right intellectual abilities.

It's all just the same isn't it? You're different, you can't be part of our group, and you must be made to feel inferior, so we can feel superior. Depressing isn't it.