DD2 told me what MiL said about my eldest only being a stepchild and not related.

[StarbucksSally]

We are on holiday. My husband is laughing at me as I have got worked up over something completely hypothetical. I am angry and tearful.

I overheard my nine year old talking about DH’s cousin’s wedding and how she would wear the same tiara when she got married.

I started teasing her about this and she told me that MiL and aunt told her about history of tiara and DD2 said DD1 from a previous relationship, would wear it before her only to be told that she was a Dopey Dolly and DD1 wasn’t related to them .

I am so angry. Would grown adults really stoop so low to stop a stepchild from wearing something on her actual wedding?

It would make me upset as well. How old was your DD when you married your DH? If very young then you are not being unreasonable.

I grew up with step grandparents and was never treated differently at all to blood relations. I was given family heirlooms from step grandparents, and was never ever refered to as “step”, nor did I think of them as anything other than a grandparent.

I have 3 daughters, the eldest being from a previous relationship. I completely understand and I would be pissed off too as i would want all 3 of my daughters treated the same. If you've only been together a couple of years then maybe i could understand it. But if your husband has been in DD1's life since she was very small, I know I would definitely take offence

The thing is if she went along with it then the older (half) sister may assume she is entitled to wear it when she does get married and it’s storing up a lot of trouble for the future if that’s not possible. It may be decades away if it happens at all, or it may be less than 10 depending on how old dd1 is.

From what I’ve read on mn in the past, it seems a lot of the time the parents in blended families not only assume that children will just accept step families bc their parent wanted to live with their current partner, but the extended families will think of them as their family too by default. I’m not sure if this is a blended family regarding other siblings, but I can understand how the older generations are hesitant to extend the same treatment of family heirlooms to the biologically unrelated previous children of their family’s partner. It must feel harsh, particularly if you feel they have accepted you and even love you and your kids, but for most ppl, they don’t feel the same about biologically unrelated family members. In the same way as a MIL would feel differently towards her DIL to her actual daughter in most cases. Would you feel the same towards a step-daughter as your own, OP?

If the main point isn’t that DD1 isn’t getting the tiara but the way DD2 was told this I can see your point, that they could have just gone along with it, as to the 9 year old, her sisters her sister, so it would be confusing maybe that her sister wasn’t being treated the same. But 9 is old enough to understand that family relationships are complicated and it may be worth having a chat to her to put her at ease, as well as her older sister if she knows about this and is upset.

Well of course they're quite within their rights to expect that only blood relations wear precious family heirlooms and it's odd of you to lose the plot about such a basic fact.

Saying that, they didn't really need to say it out loud to her, she's only 9, the chances of your daughter having much to do with your husband's extended family by the time she's is 25-30 is pretty slim, it wouldn't have done any harm to let the child have a daydream or two, and not point out the fact that actually they're only related by marriage and that's not the same as a blood relation.

I wonder if they were trying to get the point across to you, through her. You do sound confused about the reality of blended families.

Sounds like you did need reminding of it though. Stepchildren are not the same as biological children, people who try to erase that reality are often left very disappointed and upset.

Yet again this is the issue with people having kids by various partners… no thought for the kids and the endless complications… mumsnet has loads of these threads

Over reaction by you!

Yup. Blended families don't work. I have yet to come across a single one where someone isn't butthurt about something, either online or off. Well, sometimes if the kids are really young, nobody has had a chance to start fighting over money, or inheritance, or rooms, or attention, or whatever - yet.

It’s a bit of an unnecessary spiteful thing to say . And odd that the aunt has already decided that a young girl they have potential 15/20/30 plus years of relationship with before/ if she gets married can’t be classed as part of the family.

Yeah, my first thought was about HMQ's much-lent jewels. I think most PPs have missed that the topic wasn't ownership of the tiara - if tradition says it passes with the mitochondrial DNA, then it does - but wearing it for one day.

It seems extraordinarily mean-minded to decree in advance that a stepdaughter couldn't borrow the thing! It was quite nasty, too, to raise the issue of relatedness when the girls are so young - almost like trying to drive a wedge between them.

That said, the tiara/wedding problem isn't a problem and won't be for a decade or more, if ever. I'd maybe think about protecting your DDs from any emerging prejudice on the part of these women.

If OP was the step-mother and didn’t want her step-daughter to wear the family tiara at her hypothetical wedding she would be accused of being cruel.

But because it’s her daughter and the step-father’s family don’t want her daughter to wear their tiara, people are saying it’s fine.

Usual MN hypocrisy to step-mothers.

Incredibly nasty behaviour on MIL and SIL’s parts.

I can be very petty and I would now be thinking of ways to treat them differently from my own female relatives because they ‘ aren’t my family’. Do you end up sorting out mother’s day/Christmas gifts for MIL from the DC? Well, that stops now. Leave everything like that up to DH because ‘She’s not my mother’. Him laughing at you is really awful.

Generally I think it's fine to differentiate between relations and step-relations.

But this isn't about inheriting the tiara, but just wearing it for one day. Unless they're royal, with all the protocol involved, this is mean.

Plus, it was not put kindly and gently to a child.

YANBU.

Edited: did not mean to quote the above.

It is petty and unnecessary of mil to say this. I get why this would be upsetting for someone who in OP’s position. It isn’t about the tiara but feeling upset that one child is treated differently and perhaps will be disadvantaged by this in other ways. Complete understandable, but there isn’t a lot you can do about it unless you wanted to raise with MIL but that would probably cause more problems than it solves. It will isn’t within your control.

But what do you mean, "the truth"? Why is it "the truth" that DD1 can't wear the tiara? Does the tiara burst into flames if a non blood related woman puts it on?

OP, I understand why you're upset. It's a hypothetical situation but it's also symbolic of how they feel about your DD and that they thought it was ok to share that with DD2. I think DH should be more understanding of your feelings.

You are being silly. This year the fashion for weddings is lovely big hats and suits not fancy wedding gowns. I would never have worn a tiara for my wedding 🤣 I would not have cared if it was a family tradition or not! On the other side I think what you are upset about is the family treating your daughter differently to her sister (their blood relatives) I would not treat a step child any differently to my blood relatives, this includes for birthdays, weddings, Christmas, special family traditions etc, however we can’t force others to share that view. I always think people that make the distinction are knob heads

And if there was a special tiara on DD1 fathers side of the family, DD2 wouldn’t be in line to wear it would she?

They have different fathers. Different extended families.

Have you posted about this dynamic before?

There's no indication that DD1 was even there to be made to feel "less than". It's reported to be a conversation between DD2 and her relatives.
I wouldn't expect DSD to wear their family tiara.
I do think it unnecessary to point it out at this stage however.

I think your mother in law is wrong. All children should be treated the same, they’re not keeping it only borrowing it.

It was totally unnecessary of your MIL to make such a comment to an 9 year old and shows that she doesn’t think of your eldest daughter as family. The aunt is obviously just as bad. I suppose your youngest daughter will look back as an adult and realise that this was the first time she realised how her grandmother saw her older sister. Having said that, you’re over reacting. Simply tell your youngest that it doesn’t matter because you and your husband will buy / hire the most beautiful tiara for your eldest daughter, should she want to wear one when the time comes, which of course you will. I am pleased by your husband’s response; it shows a healthy sense of reality and there’s nothing in that response to show that he doesn’t see your daughter as real family. How does this family usually treat step children, or is your oldest daughter the only step child?

They’d work a lot better if everyone would just acknowledge the truth and get on with it, instead of one party hoping to erase the past and assuming everyone else will do the same. Always without any type of conversation around it.

Mil should not have said that.
However, she isn’t wrong.
Your daughter is not her grandchild.

Are you that poster?

Well I guess on the one hand this is completely hypothetical because it’s about a wedding that may or may not happen where DD1 may or may not want to wear a tiara.

But the bigger problem isn’t the tiara at all, is it? It’s the fact that MIL’s essentially come out and said to DD2 that she doesn’t consider DD1 to be family. Which is understandably upsetting, especially as they’ve presumably had DD1 as a stepchild in the family for over 10 years.

I’ve just done AS and wish I’d checked before posting. There’s the usual backstory of issues over wedding invites, inheritance, and at some point the SC in question has stopped seeing the IL’s anyway.

What a waste of time replying.

YANBU that is pretty mean. You'll probably find that she wouldn't wear it on principle now.