To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

[Stayinganontoday]

I know it’s all his hard work, but I did a lot of the encouragement on the side.

For context he’s the first in his family to get into uni. His parents just finished secondary school and (and so did the previous generations).

Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care.

Today he got his results and he’s going to a Russell Group uni.

Im extremely proud of him, but I also think he wouldn’t have don’t it without me. So AIBU for being so proud of myself? (and him obviously!)

That you think it's necessary to make a post to tell us you are so great on your son's special day says a lot about how self-absorbed you are.

On it's own it would be bad enough, but you have given yourself away a lot more than that.

If you have an ounce of humility (I'm not optimistic, unfortunately), you would look at the poll results and ask yourself why you didn't get the outcome you obviously expected.

I suggest you read through your posts and do some self-reflection, if you can.

Then, ask yourself why you are still here arguing the toss instead of celebrating the success your son deserves without expecting everyone else to stroke your ego or getting the arse when they don't.

This.

I think what people are trying to tell you OP is that by all means, be happy, be proud and go and celebrate. The need for external validation of your role in it is bizarre though.

My own parents made many sacrifices and created space and ambition for me, I was the first person in my family to go to university, I also have a doctorate and a professional qualification, all of which they supported me through immensely. They are very proud and I couldn’t have done it without them, or with it out the support of teachers and professors and mentors along the way. Not a single one of those people would ever dream of saying my achievements were ‘a lot down to them’ (to quote the OP). Support, encourage, yes - good on her for doing so. She hasn’t mentioned any sacrifice at all. But to claim is achievements as ‘a lot down to her’ (aside from being barely literate) is narcissistic and rather unattractive. People are responding to that narcissism, not the support.

This is nonsense.

No one achieves by themselves.

Encouraging people, especially young people, to see things that way makes for a very self regarding, selfish society. It also makes them lonely when things go wrong, as logically, that achievement is theirs alone too.

In your child's case - were there parents who provided a safe, healthy home, food in the fridge, a roof over their heads, wifi, and so on.

Were there parents who expected their children to go to school, behave, engage, study, apply to university and get on in life? That expectation is belief in the child, so that builds a confidence too. And on and on with every aspect of a child's achievement.

Of course, the child does achieve, they rise to meet the challenge, they apply their own resources to a good outcome, they accept the bounty bestowed on them. They most certainly achieve, but it is most certainly not in a vacuum.

All of us get help, and we need the young to recognize that.

I am probably hard in my post but, truth be known, my lovely dog died today and I feel so sad, so excuse me?

I think to an extent every parent could say this but wouldn’t even think it, he got there through his own hard work, I’m a little, dismayed you’re telling is father and your mother and starting a thread to tell people it’s down to uou

do you have areas in your life you get credit for?

Yes. You have every reason to be pleased with yourself. Your support could well have been life changing. He is fortunate to have you in his life and I hope he and his father acknowledge you.

Dunno, my mum definitely tried to look good through me - it happens.

Exactly this.

I’m talking about the family I come from. I know lots of parents behave the way your mum did.

Sadly, you are right, it does happen and it shouldn't.

Being proud of the children you bring up and helping them achieve is perfectly normal.

Minimising their achievements by taking credit for them is not normal.

Unfortunately, some self-absorbed mothers see their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals in their own right.

I'm sorry you had one. I had one too.

Well I will say good for you.

I don’t take it for granted that someone who is no blood relation ( and goodness knows there are enough blood relations who do nothing) should make the effort to help someone else’s child succeed in life.

You’ll get no thanks probably - but he in turn will pass it on and hopefully be as good a parent or step parent to his own or other’s children as you’ve been for him.

it was often done under the disguise of "Look what i've done for you, other parents wouldn't do xyz for their children, look how privileged you are" etc.

One of the big ones was "I gave up my life for you, all i ever wanted was children" as if I owed her one to achieve well because she made a decision to sacrifice a life to have children growing up?

Looking back "All i ever wanted was children" is a pretty toxic thing to aspire to, it certainly wasn't a statement of "I want children so that I can encourage them and mold them into being good and successful people" though... more "I want children that I can extend my ownership over and feel like I have something i can control in my life.

I didn't recognise it for what it was at the time but as an adult that now lives away from my mother (well, she's dead now but i'd still lived away from her for some time beforehand) it has become clear that a lot of what she was like wasn't normal.

Nitpicking a poster's phrasing is unkind and unnecessary. You knew what she meant.

You also seem to have missed the part where the OP states the lad was seriously considering leaving school after GCSEs and going into social care. The fact that he went on to A levels after her intervention is indeed thanks to her.

It should also be obvious that this lad did not have teachers or mentors who saw his potential, so she was in effect the only one who encouraged him. It is not narcissistic to state that.

How do you know about whatever sacrifices your family made to get you where you are?

What?? Did you revise and sit his exams for him? If not, it wasn't you. You can be as encouraging as you like if a child isn't interested and doesn't actually do the work they don't achieve the grades, I highly doubt you made a blind bit of difference.

Pretty sure if he'd failed you'd have pinned that on his mother's side of the family and their underachieving.

It's his achievement, not yours.

I know exactly what she meant - she meant that his achievements belong in large part to her. And that’s what I’m disagreeing with.

We have no idea from OP’s posts what the boys’ teachers have or have not encouraged him to do. And again, it’s great that she’s encouraged him to broaden his horizons and continue in education. That’s not at all the same as claiming credit for it. Also not sure why we need to denigrate social care but that’s an aside.

How do I know what sacrifices my family made? Because I have eyes, I could see what they were doing for me, I could see what other parents did and, as an adult, I know how hard it would have been. What a weird question.

They all spout their poison from the same fucking script. That's why, once we see them for what they are, we can spot the signs in others a mile off.

I could have written your post about my mother.

I was nearly 40 before I realised that it wasn't normal for a mother to call her daughter (as early as I can remember) "an ungrateful cow" or a "selfish bitch", or that I should feel I owed her an eternal debt of gratitude for doing the things that normal mothers do for love.

When I eventually realised that I didn't deserve the spiteful insults and name-calling, that the eternal debt of gratitude was impossible to repay and nothing I could do to please her would ever be enough, I dropped the rope and, except in the most exceptional circumstances, never spoke to her again.

It wasn't easy, she had trained me well to believe I was a loser and a failure, despite being considerably more successful in life than she ever was. I felt guilty too. Having been made to feel guilty about everything for as long as I can remember, the habit was hard to break.

It was worth it though. My only regret is blaming myself for so long and recognising much earlier what she was.

I do feel one small grain of pity for her though. Her own mother was a weapons-grade narcissist and her step-mother was even worse. Grandad was shit at picking wives.

The amount of projection on this thread is off the charts!

First of all I haven’t sacrificed anything (it’s a very odd word to use in parenting anyway!) but I’ve definitely provided “beyond expectations “ but not even once I’ve ever told them what I’ve done or got for them, and much less that they’re ungrateful.

"It wasn't easy, she had trained me well to believe I was a loser and a failure"

That's how they keep you under their control, make you believe you can't function or be successful without them.

I.E: "you'd have never gotten to University if it wasn't for me"

I do think you can congratulate yourself on fostering a great relationship with your stepson. That's probably the greatest thing you've done and worth celebrating, regardless of the academic achievement which you can't really openly claim without ruffling feathers within the family.

That's how they keep you under their control, make you believe you can't function or be successful without them.

When she and my father dropped me off at university for the first time, the last thing she said to me before leaving was that I would fail and predicted I would be begging to come home within three months.

I.E: "you'd have never gotten to University if it wasn't for me"

Are you sure we didn't have the same mother? 🤣 Mine was telling everyone at my graduation (including my friends) that I wouldn't have succeeded without her help and support. There were a lot of raised eyebrows, presumably from people recognising what she was.

I suspect a small number of people don't think OP is being unreasonable because:

1. They were fortunate enough to have had a normal mother who willingly did things for them for love. I think these people can find it hard to believe that not all mothers are like those.

1. They are misunderstanding why people think OP is unreasonable. We all think it's good thing to support a child to succeed, but normal mother's do it for their child's sake, not for their own glory. OP has admitted the family has recognised her contribution, but that isn't enough for her.

1. They are narcissists themselves and expect their child's achievements to be about them.

I think the reason this post exists must surely show that underneath, OP , you do have an inkling that you are taking his achievements far too much as if they are yours..

No, not at all.

I’m proud of him, and I’m proud of myself, there’s no shame in that.

but obviously I can’t talk about these things with anyone, so the best place is here.

You’re not even kidding are you. You truly cannot see it

Your response is dreadfully narcissistic