When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

Omg leave him.

The way you describe him makes it sounds like he has some sort of learning difficulty or disability.

But leave him purely on the fact that he’s a cheat (and he will cheat again) and he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about your children, since he isn’t providing for them given his debts. Does he have a gambling addiction? Or a drug problem? These are the telltale signs why someone on a decent wage is constantly in debt.

But anyway, you and your children deserve better.

Leave him or put up with it. It’s your choice.

You can make up issues and 'believe' all you like.

You should read the OPS posts before doing so though.

What you said is wrong.

Im wondering about the "hippy type" label you used describing when you met him OP.
Assuming this means he was into either psychedelics, canabis or something more ? His behaviour really sounds like he might still be dabbling? Thats kind of ok to mess around with when you're a young, free and single. On the other hand its not OK to continue that kind of self indulgence in a relationship with two challenging children. Are you sure he's not still messing with that kind of thing OP ?

OP ignore the harsh responses on here. A huge proportion of mumsnetters really struggle with empathy for many people’s circumstances. You’ll drive yourself into the ground trying to persuade them otherwise. Once the vultures have set in it’s impossible to turn a thread around.

I agree with posters who are (kindly) encouraging you to separate from your partner. He is dragging you down.

Yeah I disagree because the OP's posts are full of things that do not add up to me.
Nor others here, BTW.

The main thing it adds is an opportunity to kick the OP when she’s down and give such posters a temporary ego/superiority boost whilst bonding with other posters doing the same.

Nobody's doing her down.
It's just that her posts are full of inconsistencies.

How the f does a full time Home Office (as in civil service, not working from home) only* pay £700 a month?

He earns 2k a month. She earns a third of that.
It's bullshit.

And how on earth is she claiming UC as a single person when she's cohabiting with children with a partner?

Not to mention that she refers to him as husband - who does that if not married?

Oh and the cheating's an afterthought.

I gave the OP the benefit of the doubt in an earlier post, but now I'm questioning myself the way you do when you suspect you have been scammed 🫣.
It's all looking a bit iffy.

@13MAPARTHELL If you are still around - what does he add to your life? Money, respect, a roof, food, 50% childcare, a share of cleaning house, emotional and physical support, monogamy. None of those seem to be happening.

I can't see any positives, what do you see?

Hi OP,

As someone who completes ND assessments, I was imagining what an adhd assessment might be like with your husband and to he honestly a lot of what you said would fit with ADHD. Then I saw your children are ND , which is a pretty big indicator for us in assessments. Obviously you don’t share the reasons why your partner finds these things so hard, like is he forgetful/procrastinating/ just doesn’t do it/ needs propping up by other people to get things done, vs can’t phone people because of the social element and difficulties actually initiating the communication and interaction. Either way it does sound like it might be worth thinking about it from that perspective maybe rather than him being an incompetent fool, which if he’s picking up onis 100% going to make it worse, particularly as he’s clearly got some MH problems given the amount of trauma you’ve shared for him.

thats not to say you should stay if you don’t want to, just that to me it looks like there is a pretty good explanation for pretty much everything you were describing. One of your posts was like a tick box list of things that I’m listening out for in assessments.

I'm completely baffled at the amount of posters on here with attitude, zero empathy or just completely adamant on trying to trip you up! You seem to be carrying a huge mental load and I know how difficult it is to live with a man child, care for your kids completely alone with no friends or family and work full time. and my children aren't SEN. My partner is also the breadwinner but he cannot pay bills, has no savings or pension, cannot make a dr appointment or phone for a takeaway and has no idea how to send an email, he is diagnosed ADHD which we've always just put it down to, he gets too frustrated and overwhelmed. try writing a very sincere list of all the positives he brings to your life and all the negatives, think of everything. If the list of negatives is considerably longer it might be time to talk about him moving out and taking a break, i think you'll surprisingly find life easier. I just want to let you know that I know how you feel and I'm sending you lots of love and courage and pray things get easier for you. Your children are looking up to you and i have no doubt that you're doing a wonderful job OP x

Unless you can see him making substantial changes, ie hiring an assistant to help him with his admin. It really doesn't sound like this situation is sustainable.

Posters have been side tracked because you said a lot of his problems were caused by apparently that he was illiterate.

But that ignores the fact that he has already cheated on your twice.
The saddest thing you said he was
"the kind where you do it all, but you'll never get a happy birthday 😂"

You said you had two children in really quick succession, Pregnant with the second 3 months after the first, so that sounds like you absolutely have your hands full, and you are not working at the moment.

How do you see things working out?
Would it be different if they got to reception age and you were able to go back to work?
Would it be different if he was able to employ an assistant to organise him Frankly, he won't last long in that particular business if he cannot organise his invoices, taxes, quotes, dealing with clients etc as that is a huge part of the task.

I would also be very frustrated by debts incurred due to ignoring them, lack of life insurance, lack of pension... probably no will too by the sounds of it, so no provision for the children should the worst happen suddenly, because things like that could suddenly leave you high and dry. - this is probably a knock on effect from being disorganised but also not seeing it as immediately essential.
The fact that you already have all these things suggests that you are two very different personalities, with two different outlooks.

And you are not married so you wouldn't necessarily get a share of assets if you left. (but I'm not an expert so get advice on this.)

I think you need to consider if any changes that could be made would improve the situation enough for you, and if not where would you stand if you decided to leave. Eg do you have family support, or even in law support.
But overall if he's already cheated on you twice since you got together, is he going to change? Was he sorry? Did he tell you or left you to find out.(You don't need to answer that here, was raising it for you to consider yourself) If he can't even say Happy Birthday,there doesn't sound like much of a future for the relationship or a happy home for your DC. You may be better off getting proper advice to research your options. Particularly in relation to him using up all your savings on his business. Sorry OP

sorry I misread your posts. You said that you have a fulll time job. So maybe you are still on maternity pay? But the fact that you do have a job currently allows you more options.

Can you still be on maternity pay with a 4/5 year old?

Im obviously confused about the ages of her children. I did scroll up and down but didn't spot that. But no. I don't think you could be😂
Just seen it was at the very top of the first post... I went straight for the text and got mixed up with the having the second preg 3 months after the first born... so I assumed they were younger. I stand corrected.

You made it sound like he was a high earner! Leave and prepare yourself for getting low to no financial support for your children, but it sounds like you don't get that now.

She could be the lowest grade and working part time to earn that salary. You’re out of order to be policing posters in this way.

You should probably ask to get this whole thread taken down. You've mentioned way too much personal detail about your employer, the team you are on, lying to the employer, and potentially name by your user name. If you aren't representing them in a professional capacity, you aren't meant to mention them. That could put you in a tenuous financial position and make it harder to leave him.

I'm child free so I didn't know if that was a thing - we all miss things, you're alright 🤗.

and i dont get rent or bills from him, he’s constantly in debt from forgetting to pay for bills

I misread that she works PT but i was correct in saying he doesn’t pay bills.

Obviously the ultimate issues of him getting more money and not paying bills are still factual.

According to her she's always worked full-time.
So how's she only getting paid £700?
I don't think it's out of order at all.

Maybe the £700 is what she’s getting in benefits during her 6 month break from work due to her son’s issues.

Regardless, picking on details like this to find discrepancies is what barristers do in court to discredit a witness. It’s an unfair tactic, for example a rape victim may report the day or time of the attack incorrectly, or describe what she was wearing incorrectly, when giving her evidence and her whole account is thrown out as the lawyer paints her as a liar, despite her remembering the actual rape in detail and being traumatised for life.

This poster is describing a very stressful life with an unsupportive and challenging partner and people like you picking her account apart to search for errors is honestly a disgrace.

1 he gives you the ick
2 he's cheated on you
3 he's rubbish with money and sounds mean.

Taking all into account, you know what to do. Best wishes 🤞

Oh don't be ridiculous.
In any case, I'm not the only one seeing these discrepancies.

Go and have a go at them as well.

You replied to me first. I didn’t start this conversation with you. You asked me questions, I responded.