When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

How do you expect people to help when you can't even give correct information? You say hes your husband, then say youre not married. Then say his self employed job then say hes not as hes subcontracted.. so which is it? If youre not happy, leave.

This ^

It is NOT your fault for allowing it. You've been given a set of very difficult circumstances and I'm not having you strolling down the "self blame" path. I'm no expert, but your guy seems to display a lot of traits of ADHD. If he refuses to be helped and you really have fallen out of love with him it may be best to call it a day, however hard. He's cheated on you too. There's no excuse for that.

I would say enough is enough now. I can’t recall if you own your house, but it’s likely you’ll lose it as his debts spiral. It seems unlikely he’s done a tax return, so in addition to the debts you know about, he’ll have HMRC after him.

It also seems highly likely he has some kind of SEN.

I would leave. I couldn’t cope with living through such a car crash. He can visit in the evenings to help with bed time. But I would absolutely want to separate my finances from this man.

She is already on the poverty line. UC tops you up from below the poverty line to just on the poverty line.

So far, his only redeeming feature that OP has mentioned is that he helps with bedtimes. I get that bedtimes might be a huge deal with SN DC, but is that really enough to make his continuing presence worthwhile?

@13MAPARTHELL Do you feel able to leave the DC in his care while you go out alone? Or would you be happy for him to take them out alone for the day? Can he manage to look after them without you being around?

But you chose to have 2 children with him, He hasn't changed he is who he is either accept him or leave

It's probably best to make sure your own post is perfect before you correct someone else's

I can absolutely hear your frustration in your writing! I hope that you're coping ok, it sounds like you're carrying alot.

It might be useful for you both to sit down separately and spend a bit of time thinking about what good would look like for you.

Would you like to have time for hobbies?
Would you like to avoid taking time off from your job to look after your children, is there away to balance this? If he can't take time off now, could he pitch in for kids clubs and take atleast some holidays so you it doesn't impact your career?
Would he like some support to make his business more independent and free him up?

Take some time when you're both calm, the kids are being looked after, have a nice dinner at home (maybe a takeaway) not too much alcohol, and talk about these plans. Try to compromise, but not to the point where you feel resentment. If you find yourself arguing about something for 10mins, park it and move on, you can come back to it another time.

Agree next steps, what could you both do now (generally you need to see some immediate change) 1 thing each. What could you do over the next few months together.

Then arrange to check in again, next month. Try not to nag each other in the interim, or moan if you don't see the change you want (if you can). It's not up to you to make the other person accountable and nagging won't work. Wait until you next speak and then see what they say first - why didn't do they do these things (if that happens), then you can say how this made you feel.

Ultimately, partnerships take work from both parties, and communication is really important. If you feel you're already wanting to leave and there is too much anger and frustration, I hope that you're able to create a solid plan for yourself and I hope you and your family move onwards and upwards xx

we are not married.

he is self employed and sub contracted as a self employed worker - he has a contract as a self employed worker, its very RARE to be PAYE in construction. For example, the contract is they will find him work, he abides to their contractual work & they pay him weekly, but they do not have to give notice to get rid.

I work FOR the home office, in the trafficking department (safeguarding) ive recently HAD to take a sabbatical for caring responsibilities.

Its not real

He sounds helpless. Helping you at bedtimes is not a reason to stay given he does absolutely nothing else. He’s wiped out your savings, has massive amounts of debt and has cheated on you. He won’t marry you (god forbid you tie yourself to him legally!) and gives you no financial support. He can’t send a email or organise payments (ADHD?)

You are basically already in charge of everything. I’m going to suggest that you’d be immeasurably better off without him and he’s an epically SHIT example to your dc.

what are you talking about?

i have always worked full time
i dont work in the home office
i work in safeguarding trafficked asylum seekers FOR THE UK HOME OFFICE.

i get DLA because my children have autism.

i get UC top up, because I am eligible, and dad does not pay his way & it’s impossible to find affordable accommodation. I did not ask for autistic children? DLA is there for a reason, it funds my childrens therapy, something that the LA are completely fucking inept in providing to families who need it. I pay my taxes

Oh, so now you work for the Home Office, not your home office. 😄

TBH I find it hard to believe you work for a Government Dept when you don't understand the relevance of capitalisation in the English Language. That must be very difficult when you have to produce reports for SPADS and Ministers 🙄

What are you wittering on about? She works for the Home Office. Not his home office. JFC.

I'm beginning to have my doubts as well.🙄

You work full time (as per your opening post) but earn £0?

I always have, and our circumstances mean i can NO LONGER i dont have the capacity as one person, my eldest ASD child is extremely violent.

As stated, last month I took a sebatical to care for my children due to their behaviour, kicked out of holiday club & school refusal etc. it was completely unsustainable, I have 0 family.

I don't think it's that.
It's her overall tone of contempt for him. She just comes across as extremely arrogant.
For no good reason either. She's not the one who's earning 3 times more than him.

And the drip feeding.
Cheating is a massive issue for most yet not mentioned in opening post. I find that bizarre.

Im fully aware of how construction works as my husband is a tradesman. But youre asking for help and then telling people the wrong information. How is he illiterate with a computer if hes invoicing? How is he doing his tax returns? You know how much hes earning but he wont let you see his bank account?

Either put up with it or leave him and claim child benefit. You obviously have proof of how much he earns so shouldnt be a problem. You dont sound like you love him and he doesnt do anything at home so you wont miss him.

She said she worked in the home office at 9.53, not the Home Office. Do you not understand the confusion caused by the wrong use/non use of capitalisation ?

Who was looking after your DC while you were working full-time until last month?

I think the question is less when is enough, enough and more, are they actually genetically inferior? I used to think it with socialisation but now I think that they're just actually genetically not as good as women.

There ARE some good ones. I know some. But the vast majority are the equivalent of a 13 year old girl, in terms of competency and ability to 'life'.

I WISH to fuck I hadn't ever bothered with 'em. Never had one even half as good as any one of my female friends, even the flaky ones!