When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

But why have children with somebody who needs to “step up” instead of somebody already demonstrating that character. OP has said he has been useless “since Day 1”.

Why is it bonkers to question the choice to have children with a man who has been “useless since Day 1”.

You have had many opinions, questions and suggestions on this post. I am going to cut to the chase and answer your question.

When is enough enough? For me, it would have been when I realised he was not communicating with me and involving me in his life. It’s a shared life! Communication is the foundation of a relationship in my eyes. Set aside all the other stuff that has gone on in your relationship, it’s full of drama, and look at the fundamental flaws. If you can’t resolve the deeper issues, what is the point?

When is enough enough for you? That is for you to determine but can you honestly sit there and say that this is what you want from a relationship, from life? What are you gaining?

If you think all men behave this way, you are wrong. I don’t say that to be a bitch, I want you to realise that there are good men out there that wouldn’t behave in this way. We all have our strengths and weaknesses but equally, you need to work as a team and constantly evolve with each other.

He earns 2 grand a month.

@13MAPARTHELL
FFS there are some REALLY nasty people on your thread.
Who cares if you made a typo, you're in a terrible relationship where you are running the whole show. Life would most likely be easier if you ditch him. If he steps up as a Dad, that will give you breathing space. If he doesn't, you'll only be dealing with 2 kids not 3 so still easier.
You are obviously highly capable and deserve more.
Him not contributing a penny is a disgrace.
Once you are separated you'll be able to claim maintenance from him.

Yeah the more I read the more I now think OP is simply bored…

Why is it bonkers to question the choice to have children with a man who has been “useless since Day 1”.

Because she doesn't have a time machine and can't send them back. She is presenting with her current situation, telling her that she shouldn't have had kids adds absolutely nothing to the situation.

It's not clear is he can't, or won't.
Can you sit down and have an adult conversation about all this? If not, then splitting up seems the only option.

I would guess that you Dh is also ND, same as your kids. If you would like to see it differently - how much do you think your 4 and 5 year olds will need in 30 years time? In the same way, as I guess you cant just tell your ND 5 year old to suck it up and be an NT child - you cant exactly do that with an ND adult. Indeed your ND child will in time become that same ND adult. Therefore, I would either be empathetic to your partner in the same way as you are to your kids and help with the paperwork and stuff he clearly needs help with. Alternatively, you can decide that you have enough on your plate looking after his ND kids and move out.

But to answer the question posed in your title....what you are actually asking is....when will your neurodiverse partner become neurotypical ...to which a clear answer is never. The same way as if your primary school teacher asks you about your 5 year old....

Which is quite different from what you said previously.

But by my post implying OP has a time machine and it’s not solely a message for OP. But also other women reading contemplating having a child for a useless man hoping he will change.

So he earns 3x your salary, and he earns 2k pm and you work full time for the Home Office???

Utter bollocks. Even the very lowest pay grade would earn more than £700pm.
FFS even the cleaning staff would earn more than that!!

Course it is.
Some people are so gullible.

I suspect that's the last we'll see of the op....

You work full time for the Home Office yet your (not) husband earns 3 times your salary on £2000 a month?!

Hmmm. something isn’t right here…

OP said she was drunk when she posted last night, so that explains the inconsistencies, drip feed, etc.

@13MAPARTHELL if your DP is truly useless, in a lot of debt, doesnt contribute anything financially,and nothing ever changes, then you would 100% be better off separating.

You do all of the childcare, run the home, and do all of the associated admin - he's not contributing anything (apart from maybe some help at bedtime - is that really worth all the many minuses of living with him and his chaos?).

He does sound to me (a SEN specialist) as though he has some ND issues himself.

You are already claiming benefits. That would continue.

CMS could take child support directly from his wages and pay to you.

Honestly, I think he needs professional debt management help (CAB advise contacting StepChange). It might be better for him to declare bankruptcy and start again, but you need to make sure you are not linked to him financially in any way, so that you're not dragged in to that process.

He would get some custody/visitation, which would give you a total break, which it sounds like you need.

Good luck.

And those who are having a pop at other posters for criticising the OP who have failed to notice what I believe to be blatant inconsistencies.

Like he cheated on her and that's not in the opening few posts of complaints about him? If not the opening post itself.

No it doesn't explain the inconsistencies at all.

😆

But she would have been advised by both her Midwife (while pregnant with No1) and Health Visitor (28 weeks into pregnancy as well as 10 days after birth) about contraceptive choices. - and would have been helped to action this up to 21 days after birth.
The 'Old Wives Tale' about not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding is just that - and not to be relied on.
She obviously chose not to take on board this advice.

He earns three times what you earn but only earns £2000 a month?

Apart from helping at bedtime what is he adding to your life? Surely, if you separate, you will lose some frustration and stop wasting time trying to get him to help. You will be no worse off financially because you say he's not contributing now.

Sounds like ADHD.
ADHD never travels alone - so he will have other comorbidities. Maybe dyslexia, autism etc.

So he earns minimum wage?

She did because his incompetence did not show up at first. And he can't be compter illiterate if he is earning three times OP's salary.

Well, what a surprise, you disagree with a post 🤔

Enough would have been enough for me years ago.

I wouldn’t allow any of his behaviour.

He is a grown adult and I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t act like an equal partner or disrespected me.

But only you can decide when enough is enough for you.

I’d be thinking of the practicalities and how you’d go about leaving etc and make a plan until you’re ready to go through with it.

Do you have support in RL?

I believe OP only works PT.

The issue is that he pays no bills, even though he earns way more than her.