When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

'I am literally his mother.'

You aren't. At least, I hope you aren't!

I believe that other posters have advised you to separate if you are not happy. Do that so he can find someone else who treats him with kindness.

school & nursery they are 4&5

but my eldest constantly refuses school, so I was working from home, or trying to with an autistic child while working a safeguarding job & lying to work about why i was at home, my youngest also has severe eczema (on immunosuppressants) so constant appointments for that, hospital trips etc, it was unsustainable.

not just for that sort of thing, but mentally too.

Christ almighty.
You're living together, have children together, yet you can just get away with saying he doesn't pay his way and get treated as a single person?

Not the OP specifically I mean anyone.

Is this how it works? Genuine question.

When I was younger, much, much younger like 19. I'd been made redundant from my job.
Company just closed. Not my fault.
I'd been living with my boyfriend, no children, really casual arrangement.
I had not enough N. I. contributions unfortunately so was told I couldn't claim a penny as he had a full-time job.

He uses an accountant

thank you

@13MAPARTHELL my sister has martyred herself her whole married life, married to a man who has never changed a nappy, never done a night feed, never so much as made her a cup of tea. She had a hip operation recently and he was bleating 'where's the hoover, what do I do?' When they go on holiday she packs for him and unpacks at the other end because he 'doesn't know what to take'. I have totally lost patience with her now, as in some way she is enabling her own martyrdom and miserable married life. I think you should seriously consider separating and going it alone.

Jesus, OP. You’ve flogged a dead horse there and when you finally walk away, you’ll be entitled to absolutely nothing and he can easily hide money to avoid child maintenance. <slow clap>

If you're paying all the bills and rent already, then you would be no worse off if you split and he moves out.
You're doing all the childcare already, and life/house admin, so you would be no worse off if he moves out.

In fact, you would be better off in both cases, as you'd be entitled to maintenance, plus bills would be lower as not paying for his share of anything, and you wouldn't be covering his life admin.

It is absolutely possible to co parent and have much happier kids, when there's so much less tension and resentment in the household. They could absolutely be picking up on the situation emotionally, no matter how well you think you're hiding it from them, especially if they're autistic and pick up even small changes.

And the most important fact, you'd be happier. Your feelings matter too!

Oh for god sake 😂😂

im typing, while caring for 2 autistic children, i am not focusing right now on grammar! I dont care whether you believe i work for the home office or not

@13MAPARTHELL He uses an accountant

So how is it his financial affairs are in such a mess?

Accountants aren't just book-keepers for the Inland Revenue, they advise clients on other aspects of financial matters such as loans, savings & pensions as well as tax liabilities.

So either his accountant is as much use as t*ts on a boar pig or DP's not listening to what he's been told, or he's not submitting the correct information.

Any more 'drip feeds' to come ?

I think you need to use this sabbatical as a time to do a lot of thinking and planning about how you want the future to look for you and your children.
Is his presence in the home worth the stresses it brings? Only you can decide but you need to consider that he is not contributing financially at all, he is adding to your mental load and presumably eating food and using utilities that you are paying for. I totally get that another adult around is massive but that can still be outweighed by the negatives.
You work for the public sector, have you checked whether that would allow you to access any counselling to help you look for solutions or indeed legal advice if it comes to separation.
You need to pro-active in getting a plan in place for the end of your sabbatical, access all the support you can in sorting out a school place and any special provision.

More drip feeds than an IV stand.

Currently your issue is lack of emotional support, which you should seek in real life from a counsellor.
Have you workplace Employee Assistance?
Can you find an hour a week for yourself to speak to a therapist? Best to do it away from the house if you can.

First thing to get your head around, is that he won't change, not drastically anyway.

From the sound of it, he could have fairly severe ADHD, and maybe dyslexia and the only job he's capable of doing is construction. He likely won't ever take a 'proper' job because he can't tolerate that level of commitment.

Your relationship likely worked fine before kids.

These added responsibilities have increased the demands, and his emotional and administrative capacity to meet those are now being exposed.

What way are the finances divided? Have you a joint account that both pay into to pay the utility bills?

If you can allocate him clear areas of the household, that might work better.

Attend a support group for partners of adults with ADHD. This might be an eye opener.

Would couples counselling be out of the question for him? Would he go to that with a goal to improving the communication between the two of you?

No, it doesn't work like that.

If OP or anyone is living with someone as if they are married, they have to make a joint claim.

There is a large paragraph where I have explained

I didnt want to get into the deep mechanics, finances & situation in full, my entire fucking life story is now on here 😂 ive ‘drip fed’ based on the questions people have asked me

In my view (which some will probably be dead against) you would be better off living on your own & claiming UC until your children are older.
They have difficult and complex needs OP that require your full attention and with no help from your partner it will be a mountain you will never reach the top of.

You would get UC with limited capability for work due to being your DC carers, your dla & if you've worked and paid taxes you can get ESA too (i think unless that has all ended so apologies if that isn't right).
The only thing you'll lose is help at bedtime but you'll gain head space by not taking on the things he can't do.
It may be easier said than done due to having to fund a house move which is no cheap do this day and age.

Maybe then would you DP realise how serious this has got and get help with his needs. You sound like a wonderful, caring loving mum which I doubt you don't hear often. Please think of yourself for once OP. The children will have a dad but they'll have a broken shell of a woman for a mother who took on too much to carry. 💐

OP says she's already getting UC as a single Mother despite living with her DP because they felt sorry for her with him not contributing so let her claim as a single person..

Taking a 6 month break from work when your ‘husband’ is not contributing financially would do that

all of it is actual insanity and the more drips that are fed the more insane it gets. Mumsnet is full of car crashes like this relationship or the upper class who have more money than sense & don’t live in the real world

😆

How does he does this and give them his receipts etc when he can’t make phone calls or send emails ?

genuinely curious 😂

Yet one of the things you omitted to say in your opening post is that he cheated on you.

For the vast majority of people-and I think I'm on safe ground in saying this- that would be incredibly important and pertinent to the whole situation.
I can't overestimate this.

And how, given the differences legally, did you put husband and not partner in your thread title?

How is he getting away with not paying anything when you're cohabiting with children?
In terms of benefits, that is?

Oh i didn't see that my bad.
She needs to gst LCFW added on. I can't imagine how difficult she will have it with sucn a complex needs child demanding all her time. Not stop work full stop, but for now she really can't manage it all

hes iliterate on a computer,
But he can do online banking!

I know.

Maybe I'm being a bit thick here - heatwave preventing good sleep-but wtaf?!

Maybe his legal address is at his mother's.