When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

was he the perfect man before you had kids ? While you were pregnant? I’d guess no. So as much as you hate it , it’s a fact. Also , unless he is the King, it’s ‘reins’.

You picked him. This was your choice to reproduce with.

It seems clear that you knew he had issues.

The phrase 'you've made your bed, now lie in it' come to mind.

People need to be much more choosy before having children and then they need to consider children's needs first before their own wants.

A bully?

or a fed up mum of doing literally everything while caring for two children with autism? With a person who cannot complete the most simplest of tasks? Who does not provide financially despite earning more than myself?

Op have you considered he has some undiagnosed learing difficulties?
Everything you say about him struggling with literacy and not being able to make phone calls or organising himself, screams being dyslexic to me. If that is the case he needs help not constant criticism. Does he want to be able to do these things?

If you're earning nothing how can he be earning 3 times as much. I give up.

hes illiteracy i am referring to the fact he cannot make a drs appointment, he cannot apply for a job, he cannot make a phone call to a bill company, he cannot order a food delivery etc. he cannot remember simple things, if I asked him 4 times to get something, sure as hell he will come back empty handed.

Cannot, or will not? If he can deal with construction tools, he can use a phone to call the GP. Unless he has learning difficulties?

Sure about that? You called him your husband in the title.

These sort of comments drive me bonkers.
I don't know the OP and I am going to make assumptions based on nearly every woman that I have ever met.
Before kids there was a hell of a lot less stress, responsibilities, financial obligations and more free time to charge your own battery so to speak. Now they have a huge workload, more bills and less time for self care.
OP has stepped up and her partner has not. He wanted the title of father and the prestige that comes with it but not the actual role.

I have never met him but based on your posts he is clearly struggling with many facets involved with executive functioning. It sounds like he literally does not have the skills or ability to function like an adult. What you do with that information is up to you, but unfortunately he won't change.

If he is going to improve he needs to see someone like an ADHD coach to help him put systems in place and you will have to probably do his paperwork to make sure the company is viable. You can't hire someone to do this because a bookkeeper would rely on you partner to hand the relevant information on with all the relevant details which he is clearly incapable of doing.

Its very possible he may have learning difficulties? Its really unclear & my friends have now shared they believe that hes not as silly as we all think he is and perhaps he knows exactly what he is doing, if we took everything out of the equation and my children did not have additional needs, this would be likely significantly easier but I of course do need help - its alot of pressure for me, to do absolutely everything and not be able to ask ‘hey, can you sort this’

It sounds as if he has zero life skills. Does he have ADHD?

What attracted you to him in the first place?

Why did you have a child with him and then continue having sex with him to have another?

Why have you stayed for 6 years?

I’m genuinely confused.
He seems to have very little positives about him, so it’s not like other relationships where one is great in almost every way but doesn’t do their share of the cooking etc and so the decision to leave is quite a difficult one.

You’re acting quite passive.
You’re choosing to stay and put up with this behaviour.

If you’re happy with the way things are, then stay.
If you’re not happy and he’s refusing to make any changes, then leave.

100% sure, its laughable to even think marriage - he doesn't agree with it & of course, that would involve money. I had a few drinks last night 😂

It sounds to me as though he has ADHD and dyslexia.

He's cheated on you, though, so given all the rest, I'd tell him to sling his hook. You'll be much better off financially without him and clearly he really gets on your nerves so your life would be much happier if he left.

I don't think the question is 'why is this adult man so useless'... it's 'why do women have children with useless men'?

You can't fix him but you don't have to repeatedly have unprotected sex with him.

So what do you want? Why are you posting? What contour do to improve the situation?

Do you like him?

you have more children,

OP you talk as if this is something that has happened to you, not something you agreed to.

Your midwife should have discussed contraception with you, when you were actually pregnant, ready to start using something 21 days after birth.
This was especially relevant in that time-frame as you already had one SN child.

I just can't deal with such crass stupidity. There seems a lot of it on this site 🙄

Here comes the drip feed.

Cheated on you twice - which is something I'd think somebody would put in their opening post but there you go.

Your entire tone of talking about him is dismissive. Absolutely dismissive.
Yet here's a man who's so useless he earns 3 times what you do.
And he probably works hard if he's in construction.
What is your really difficult job if you only earn a third of what he does?

You do not come across as having any liking for him, OP.

In some cases of infidelity where it is crystal clear to me that the cheated on person has contempt for their partner-as you do here it seems-I don't judge cheating too harshly then I would if that person were decent and kind.

Only now you mention it though, Forty or so posts in. Lol.

You refer to 'your husband' so pp fairly assumed marriage. No need to be rude to her.

This ^

You need to pull back and stop enabling to be a part time adult, that's how. DH is dyslexic and for so many years I did all of his admin. And found myself standing exactly where you are today. So I stopped. It took a huge amount of sulking, tantrums and chaos when his car tax didn't renew etc... but it's taken away half of my mental load.

So

you work full time but are currently earning zero

he’s your partner not your husband but you call him your husband and then get annoyed if people think he’s your husband

he’s totally incompetent but manages to earn three times what you do (which is actually zero?)

you got pregnant again three months after your first baby was born

you dislike him and don’t seem to feel he has any good qualities yet you live with him and have had two children with him

Okay…

He was a ‘hippy’ type, very deep, very kind and friendly etc. We had a first pregnancy which we lost, this was accidental and we had only been together for around a year, then got pregnant again & then within 3 months had another. Life got him down, now he is the complete opposite. He had his own business with his dad, who then was sent to prison for being a pedophile, he made bad business decisions that he knew he could not actually do. A London developer he had contracts with took him to court and sued us, I lost all my savings & he was suicidal. And then it all went downhill from there, he went on medication, then would stop taking it, maybe 12 times this happened? So I gave up begging him to continue with tablets. Refuses therapy, caught him sexting some girl twice, he got a sub contractor job that he is doing now (solo self employed) and ive not seen a penny from him in around 2 years in terms of rent and bills. He also took out a MASSIVE business loan, missed car payments etc etc, so he is in huge debts. I have always been supportive, but I have put ALOT in and lost ALOT to get what in return? i cant ask him for anything, and i am getting more and more fed up of the situation. I feel isolated, because I just took a 6 month break from work, my child refuses to go to school and so I am doing the autism and LA battle completely alone & I have no family and no support. Its becoming harder for me to do this without any reliable helping hand

The children he apparently doesn’t have anything to do with?

This is never going to improve. So either resolve to live your life like this, or make plans to separate. I bet you’ll feel a huge weight has lifted once you’re properly separated.

As to what I’d do in your circumstances, I’d help my partner with the admin he struggles with. That’s how my marriage works, we both have strengths and weaknesses and we support each other accordingly.

And I’d use reliable contraception or abstain.

I’m slightly bemused why you wouldn’t be doing both these things already but clearly there’s more going on here.