When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive had enough.

2 kids / 4&5

hes self employed job has caused us issues since day 1, hes iliterate on a computer, he cant make phone calls to companies really, hes extremely unreliable.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

meanwhile, I have 2 kids with additional needs, work full time, set them up an ISA when born, have life insurance set up, savings account, do all cleaning & cooking & life admin.

it feels like hes taking the piss, i do so much for him and im always made to feel the bitch, because im not a little sweet girl who will do everything for him without a fight (like his mother) who btw, now has nothing to do with him, sometimes i dont blame her.

the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂

biggest ick and turn off ever, is it to much to ask for a man who can provide even somewhat? I actually wouldn’t chose to wear the trousers in such a significant way?

anyone else tired of these useless ‘men’

@13MAPARTHELL and ive not seen a penny from him in around 2 years in terms of rent and bills.

So how are your rent/bills getting paid ?

Jo Muggins the good 'ole UK taxpayer ?

No wonder everyone is giving you a hard time OP.🙄

So he is self-employed (surely all subcontractors are - they used to be) and you don't have access to his money.

Does he owe income tax? Didn't complete Tax Returns for years? Has been investigated by HMRC?
I strongly suspect so as he's crap at organising his finances.

And you're not married.

I think you've managed to totally fuck yourself. If you leave him good luck getting any child support from him if he owes taxes and can't manage his finances!

I think you need to face some hard facts because I think you're on your own here. Sorry.

And yet, you still stay. Can't keep your hand in the fire and complain you're getting burnt.
You said your children had additional needs and way you described him sounds more than likely so does he. He won't magically wake up one day and be able to do these things. He needs help. My husband has ADHD. Until he got put on medication he was an absolute liability and like a 5th child to me.

OP you talk as if this is something that has happened to you, not something you agreed to.

As @Nomoreicecream said, you are acting like all of this can’t be helped, like you haven’t taken an active part in it.

These are all your own choices that you made and continue to make.

If you’re not happy and he refuses to change then you have no other option than to end things.

I would understand if you were worried about finances or juggling working and the kids etc but there is literally nothing holding you back and so I don’t understand why you’re putting up with this.

YIkes. If you'd put all that in your first post, you would have a somewhat different set of responses.

But the main advice would probably have been broadly the same: you need to focus on how to protect yourself and the children, because he is not going to be 'fixed' over night.

Excuse me, i work for the home office and receive UC top up and DLA for both children which is 1k a month. & ive had to take out my own credit

Time and again. Poster complains about her partner, who didn't start out being an incompetent tosser, but has become one over time. Nobody chooses to saddle themselves with such a person; his uselessness creeps up over a long period, and then realisation dawns.

Total pile-on blaming the OP for being in a relationship and having dc with him, and not sympathising with the plight of someone who needs a bit of support.

Typical mumsnet.

I despair sometimes.

You are already a single parent OP.

You’ve just got the extra stress of an additional man child to deal with.

You need to leave asap.

Do it so that you can both be settled by Xmas for the kids sake.

Is the house in both of your names?

Ill be honest, he helps at bed time i know that sounds ridiculous so I need to put up or shutup, i know.

but with two autistic kids, its hard.

thats why i ranted on here because i know its my fault for allowing it and everyone I know tells me this

Totally this.

I was also going to ask OP, if you're not married and don't share finances ,why did you pay his debt when he got sued etc etc?

He's taking you for a ride. You'd surely be better off on your own

When is enough, enough. 33YO husband, still unable to be an adult and take the reign.

It's reins, not reign. As it 'take the reins' (of the horse).
The meaning of reign is related to Royalty, for example. The 'King reigned for 6 years.'

Husband or boyfriend? You tripped up, there, didn't you?

If he is 'illiterate', why don't you help him? Or try to help him find a course so he can learn. This is just a nasty thing to say about someone. Anyone. He is not being illiterate deliberately, surely, is he? In fact, a lot of trades people aren't great at sending emails etc. but usually have family and loved ones who help them, and help them learn. Your spelling is not perfect, either.

he ears triple what I earn, never saved a penny, no pension, no life insurance, no nothing

The same as many other people. 'Earns', not 'ears'. Not 'useless' if he earns 3x what you do, is he?

He obviously should say happy birthday to you and they are his children, too, so he should be involved with them and with the running of the household.

You don't love him and I don't know him but I am actually on his side because you don't come over well at all and have no AIBU question.

I think this thread probably won't go the way you hoped it would.

You say husband in your 1st post though.

Op this is NOT your fault.
Things change as the years go by, obv he started out okay and then became lazy, complacent and useless - it happens.

You stand a much better chance of being happy if you ditch the dead wood. You are carrying everything anyway. This way you might find happiness with a mature, fully functioning adult that can actually be your equal.

It sounds like he has had more than enough chances to get his shit together.
It is grossly unfair to leave this all to you. You would be more rested with a childcare arrangement and separating. You have the worst of all worlds now.

I mean, this isn't the sort of stuff that only shows up after having a baby so I am also on the side of why would you ever even date this man, let alone have 2 children with him?!

Being so unable to function where he can't even make a phone call would be such a massive ick to me

OP, I’m 99% sure that he has ADHD and needs to be taking medication asap. If he was taking antidepressants before, they wouldn’t have worked on him. His brain is literally incapable of organising his life and the immaturity and inability to regulate his emotions.
He is basically deficient in dopamine and noradrenaline and is always feeling empty and tired, unable to help you with the kids, let alone being able to look after himself.

Please get him to talk to a GP who can refer him to a private clinic via the NHS. You and him don’t need to live like this. If he refuses to seek help or refuses treatment, then I’d suggest you leave him. Life is too short.

I say this as an ADHD woman.

To stay together just for the children is always a mistake. They grow up in a household seeing their parents relationship: dysfunctional, unequal, full of suppressed frustration and bitterness, or far worse. This damages them and their future relationships for life.

You are already a single parent. Even UC treats you as a single parent.
But you have this man hanging around - helpless, useless, unable to help you with parenting, unable to function as an adult, not giving you any money.
Is the sex that good?
Because if it is 'just for the children' and the sex is not great, get rid of him.

To answer the question in your title, 'When is enough enough?', the answer is when you decide it is enough.
You can't change him. You can't make him grow up, or grow out of his learning disability, or change into a different person. All you can do is decide when you are going to ditch him.

Im not sure how else to explain it, I was drunk when I wrote this. And when is enough, enough? If i could write a list of the things ive done to support him, it would he endless but nothing ever changes. I am literally his mother, when saying illiterate I guess the right word was a different one? I was angry when writing this post.

i am not a bully, but regardless of his personal mental issues, that he refuses to get help for, he has a family who needs support, financial support and stability.

and so, when is enough, enough?

And where do you think all that comes from OP?

Joe Muggins the good ole UK taxpayer, that's who.

If you work in the "home office" how is it you haven't done his tax returns for him?

“the kind where you do it all, but youll never get a happy birthday 😂”

Why did you suggest this would make you cry with laughter?
Even if he starts behaving like an adult, he’s still going to be a twat.

I've read post and couldn't agree more with @bitontheobtuse said OP. You came on for some support and don't need to be put down. As kinder mumsneters have also implied, he could have ADHD, dyslexia and other related issues, hense him not being able to organise anything at all. He is young enough to seek support here.

My concern for you is if he is not discussing money at all or not contributing , then contacting women's aid to get some support now for your wellbeing as you sound done in from it. Take all the advice you can get.

It's all very easy to say ltb but with two high needs children it is a totally different game to usually. Most single mother's with special needs children really struggle to stay off the poverty line unfortunately.
Could he be autistic and the financial troubles have been a regression trigger for him?

No, he sounds like he has ADHD. If it was autism, he wouldn’t have been a charming hippie who was friendly and kind, he would have come across as rigid and uptight and unable to talk to girls.

and so, when is enough, enough?

Are you looking for permission to dump him?
You can end the relationship whenever you want.

Read that back to yourself OP

hes cheated on me twice
Probably 50% would have left first time, 97% the second. Why did you stay? Be honest.

hes is significant debt JUST from making silly mistakes
Probably 90% would have left especially since he hasn't contributed in two years. Why do you stay?

he cannot make a drs appointment, he cannot apply for a job, he cannot make a phone call to a bill company, he cannot order a food delivery etc. he cannot remember simple things
Dodgy ground here with percentages because women are hardwired to fix things. You can't fix this. You could help support but only if he decides he wants to grow up. He doesn't. So why do you stay?

He earns more than me (currently im earning nothing) and gives me 0 money,
Oh dear... This is cocklodger territory OP. Don't use the excuse of children since he doesn't actually parent them.

There is no reason to stay OP. Don't use the kids as a reason as watching him and you be like this is harming them. They are sponges absorbing relationship information and they will see men get away with shit and women killing themselves trying to make everything right. Just let it all go and have a more peaceful life. Yes you will have to do it all but you are now anyway, but with fights and added stress.

@bitontheobtuse I despair sometimes.

You and me both.

A bit of support. More like an injection of common sense.

She's had support from a midwife (including contraceptive advice) and no doubt from a Health Visitor which she seems to have ignored.

I know quite a lot of tradesmen that are very skilled at what they do but not up to speed with the admin.
So the wives deal with the paperwork.
OP says she works in the "home office", so why is she not on top of the tax affairs and appointments?