To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

I feel very sorry for this lad. Lost his dad, cut off from his siblings and now you're allowing this dickhead partner to stick his oar in. Tell this man to keep his beak out, let your son go to the festival, but sit him down first - just you and him - and talk about your concerns. As for your DP saying that letting him go is undermining him - well he's not his parent and doesn't live with you (thank goodness) so there is nothing to undermine. YOU decide - but decide wisely, because your son will soon be a man and needs your support and guidance to overcome the shitty last years he has had.

What life lesson do you intend for your son to learn by punishing him for something that is no longer in his control?

No you should not punish him for this.

Your current partner sounds like an absolute fucking tool who should not be near children and is quite possibly from what you've written about him, a massive cause of your son's difficulties.

There is zero logic in stopping him going to the festival. It is just plain mean. He's had a really really hard time - life changing. He's done what he needed to to get through the terrible loss of his father. Thank god he turned to rugby and not drugs. He needs support not punishment. He can retake maths and English at college or sixth form if he needs to. Also sounds like he's outgrown the restrictive nature of school. They don't sound helpful. Grief is not on a timer that ends when they want it to. Hopefully he gets onto the A-level or BTec courses he's interested in. He sounds like a bright capable boy.

I wouldn’t use the festival as a punishment but I would be concerned about him coping in the environment with alcohol and possibly drugs in the mix. It sounds a bit like it’s too late to back out but he doesn’t sound ready . Could you go and give him his freedom to go and do his own thing but be there as a sort of tether or something to prevent him going off the rails or catching him if does? I know this would sound terribly uncool to a 16 year old though.

Your partner sounds bloody awful. Your poor son. He’s had a terrible time, don’t punish him like that.

Your partner is alienating you from your son! Wake up and smell the coffee. He has no right to punish your son or to order him around. Is hard to believe this came all of a sudden, I bet my last dime he is playing big cock with your son in the household. Put your foot down, get your partner out of tbe house and support your son!

Why are you more bothered what your 'D'P thinks than your own opinion?

What do YOU think?

He sounds troubled and traumatised and no, I wouldn't stop him going , certainly not if he fails gcses anyway.

This with bloody bells on.

Hopefully by now it will be abundantly clear to you that punishing your son for not doing as well as he might in his GCSEs is a terrible idea.

My son's father lost his dad at the age of 12 and he is still utterly traumatised, not just by the loss of his father, but the way in which his mother subsequently failed to provide emotional support to him. His relationship with his mother is still unbelievably dysfunctional (she's in her 80s) and my own son has had to witness some truly awful scenes between them which continues to compound this family trauma.

Please start to show your son love and support at this point in his life. If you're concerned about his GCSEs, you can speak to the school and they can support you with that bit.

Yes all kinds of things might happen at a festival, but just let him go and be with his friends. It's just what he needs. He'll probably be fine. Imagine how he will feel if you don't let him go. It's not like the punishment will achieve anything at this point, other than make him utterly demoralised.

Good luck with him. I hope he does ok with his exams and if not, be positive in supporting him with the next step. It's not the end of the world. My dad left school with no exam results to speak of but became a very successful businessman later in life.

What have i just read? Your poor son has had the most awful time and needs support. Who is this partner you live with and why does he get to undermine you in this way? Be very careful because you are at risk from losing your son. What an awful , vindictive partner you have. Let him go to Leeds Fest regardless of results, not much he can do about them anyway. You can however bin off your partner .

Your problem is not your son your problem is that your partner HATES your son. Wise up tell him to GTF and be a good mum to your son

Teacher here. A student with his history suddenly loosing interest and/or failing his exams is a cry for help. He has had a terrible two years, has lost his dad and access to his siblings. Punishing him is not the way to go. Your dp also should not have diciplined him. He needs to step back and you need to be the one to ensure this.

I agree. Lots of people fail exams for all sorts of reasons but they re-take.
He needs support, not punishment.

Yes! Your partner has no rights to dictate this.

So this bloke doesn’t even live with you but he’s calling the shots!

You need to bin that nasty toad and focus on supporting your son.

This is really weird. He can't change his results now, so basically you are threatening a punishment for something he has no control of. When he did have some control pre sitting exams, he didn't know there was going to be this punishment. Retrospective punishment goes against all basis of what punishment is about.
Irrespective of that, you should not tie these two things together. You prevent him going and it will negatively affect your relationship years beyond sorting out and dealing with poor exam results at 16. Exams and behaviour at 16 after bereavement of a parent won't define his life. Your decision on this could very well define your relationship for a lifetime, though.

You need ti draw a very sharp line in the sand for them both.

your boyfriend, that doesn’t live with you, has absolutely no right whatsoever to issue a massive sanction like that to your child without you.

Its incredibly important that you back your son in that. Your DP is way way out of line and the consequence of punishing your DS for failing exams when he’s obviously struggling with the loss of his father could be lifelong for your relationship.

I’d be very very wary of your partner as well. It’s completely out of order to announce this to your child as a fait accompli and then get stroppy with you for not instantly backing it.

I’m agreeing with everyone else. Of course let him go. It sounds like he’s been through enough.
Your partner sounds awful.

Stop agonising over whether you’ll be undermining your partner. That issue is very simple:he should not have said what he said and you just need to tell him that, loud and clear. He needs to stay out of this.

Focus entirely on whether you think DS will be safe at the festival. Sit him down and talk about what he’s going to do if he’s offered drugs. Tell him clearly that you are worried his friends will ditch him if he does something stupid.

And for gods sake stop worrying about his GCSEs. He can resit maths and English next year, and start a new course at college. He lost his father for crying out loud.

Think you’ve got this wrong. Reward him in another way if he does well, don’t punish him if he fails. He’s lost his Dad, this is going to have a huge impact on him either now or in the future. You need to keep re visiting about him having counselling.

Sorry but what the hell has it got to do with your partner?

Deleted due to duplication.

Tell your partner to fuck himself.

Your poor boy.

Technically correct in that a Grammar School is a specific school defined in legislation as selective and state funded either through LEA or direct Government funding. Once it becomes none state funded it's not legally a 'Grammar School'. There are still around 170 state funded Grammar schools. But alot of the Grammar schools that became independent kept Grammar in their title. For example, Bradford Grammar School. Technically they are not Grammar Schools though.

I'm afraid if this is what goes on at these festivals. Then it won't be a safe for your DS.

As he is already in a fragile state of mind.
You know your DS better than anyone else.
Unfortunately, this is a terrible situation if you don't let him go, your son will blame you.
If you do and he gets involved in drugs then you will have more worries to deal with.

So sorry you are dealing with so much.