To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

The advantages of rugby in your boy’s life are obvious - physical outlet, sense of purpose, strong male role model (coach), managed emotional ups and downs with shared elation when they win, disappointment when they don’t, physical touch with arms around each other for the team chant. It’s not just about the game day. For him, this is therapy.

And your absolute twat of a partner wants him kicked off the team?! Your partner doesn’t like your son.

I think you need to get practical, your son will know he likely failed and will feel even more uncertain about everything. He is more likely to do stupid things if he feels he has nothing to lose. Does he play rugby for school? Will he have to leave school if GCSEs are poor?

is there a way of contacting the school, rugby coach and working out how your son can stay and keep playing? Your son needs reassurance that everything in his life isn’t a mess, that there is a way though.

No you cannot punish him, what is the point and what will it achieve other than alienating him. He’s had an incredibly tough couple of years and needs his safe place which is home, don’t change that at all. But in all honestly he needs someone he trusts and has a connection with to chat to him About getting counselling. He needs help not punishment.

I agree and I wouldn't have been sending him anyway, but I thimk to withdraw it now on the basis of exam results is unfair. If it was about his behavior, then it wouldn't matter if he passed or failed. It's purely a punishment for not doing well at school

Who the fuck does your partner think he is?
He has no right to say what he said.
I married a man who was widowed with 2 girls-there is no way on this earth I would’ve interfered like this with a bereaved child!
He needs to be launched into the bin.
Put your son first.

Yuck to your’dp’

Totally agree,

At least your DS is in to sport, instead of withdrawing away from everything.

YWBU to stop him going.

If you're worried about him only caring about rugby then him showing he cares about other things (friends, socialising, music) is a good thing and it would be counterproductive to ban that.

Your partner is overstepping, and disrespectful to both you and your son.

Put your son first.

By putting him in harms way ? This is a child who is really struggling and I genuinely don't think a festival is going to save him.

The only way this could have worked as a consequence is if it was communicated to him BEFORE the exam period that he wouldn’t be able to go if he failed. The exams are already marked now and there is nothing he can do to change the outcome.

Yabu, especially to listen to your “partner” rather than making your own decision about your own child.

Hopefully its not intentional but DP sounds like he's not trying to understand what the adults around DS could do to help DS to perhaps feel he can open up to someone or find his own way through the emotional turmoil he is clearly enduring.

Based on that I would advise you to tell DP that, given the circumstances of losing not just his father, being essentially rejected by step mum, and also losing his siblings that all parenting be done by you alone.
The fact that DP is thinking about himself being undermined shows that his focus is all wrong. You need to not worry about upsetting DP and focus on getting your son. If DP is worthy of being a step father to your kid(s) then he will step back and see its the right thing to do to help you to help ds.

It wouldnt be much of a shock if DS may be pushing back against DP since losing his dad as it might be like a constant reminder of who he has lost. If you don't already do so then maybe make time to have one on one mum and DS time - even an hour once a week, not to specifically talk about issues or worries, talk about his week, rugby etc but over time perhaps he will feel heard and open up slowly xx

Why would you want to be with anyone who treats your son that way? Why?!

My ‘partner’ would be going to Leeds and beyond, on a 1 way no return ticket.

So why is he parenting your child? You shoukd be angry at him for telling your son this when it's your call, and pissed off that he's using "undermining him" to make you do what he wants.

No good will come of stopping him. But do talk to him about drugs and reckless behaviour

Unhelpful and mean
Reported

OP ontop of the points already made on this thread please bear in mind that in the blink of an eye your son will be 18. At that point he will be able to make his own decisions, and like any other 18 year old he will make mistakes.

Right now you are at a pivotal point in your relationship- IMO if you don’t change the dynamic you have with your son he is unlikely to respect your opinion and listen to you as a young adult. Nor will he come to you if he gets in a mess or makes a mistake.

Please think about this when deciding what to do.

My son is 19. From my POV I need to parent arms length now and I hope knows he can come to me when things go wrong and rely on me for support and unconditional love.

My heart breaks for this young man. I hope you do let him spend time with his friends at the festival. Sounds like it’s just what he needs to be honest.

What would he learn from this? How would he feel? Let him go and be a kid and hopefully he'll have a great time. He can resit exams. You're his parent, trust him to learn from his mistakes and show him compassion. It must be really hard for you too, having your partner passing judgement and questioning your choices. How do his own children feel about him as a dad?

Is there a coach at the rugby club who could be a decent male figure (unlike your partner) and persuade him to go to counselling?

Poor lad. He must feel nobody has got his back.

Omg poor boy. Your partner sounds awful. Your sons’s behaviour and results are understandable. I say this with some related professional experience. What a shame your compassion is being clouded by your horrible partner. Imagine your dad dying and then having man like that trying to control your life.

Your poor son has been through an awful time. Let him enjoy his summer. Show him you love him irrespective of exam results. And ditch your partner as he sounds like he has no understanding or empathy.

Yes they are!

You need to "undermine" your partner - he was utterly and totally out of line and, given he is so into "consequences", needs to experience those.

You are an absolutely awful, I could use stronger words to describe you but I shall refrain.

his dad died two years ago, there’s a high chance he would mess his gcses up. I’m a widow with two teens and my son was 9 when it happened. Those first two years were the most challenging, worse than challenging they were horrific. It will be the same for your son. GCSEs being within this two year time frame - I would just be happy that he sat them.

have some compassion. This should have made you realise there are bigger things than GCSEs.

Let him go to Leeds. Geez. He lost his dad and cant see his siblings. Your partner is mean saying he wishes he gets kicked off the team of the only thing he cares about. How about you put your son first and let him love what he loves.