To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

FFS, ditch your utter twat of a partner (who has massively over stepped here, he’s not a resident parent figure, so why is he trying g to parent your son?) and give your poor boy a break. GCSEs can be re-taken. Your son can never get his dad back and he is clearly hurting.

This is a great reply and articulates my thoughts.

As an aside, my Dad died when I was in my 30s and it completely floored me - I felt like the world tipped on its axis. I cannot imagine dealing with that as a child.

He undermined you by making a 'parenting' decision without your consent regarding your older teen son who is grieving for his father and siblings too.

I would tell your partner in no uncertain terms that due to what your boy is going through, you make the parenting calls.

Bereavement can impact adults profoundly, let alone a teen during his formative years. If GCSEs don't come out well there are other options, resits and paths he could tread.

By going along with your partner, you'll push your son away. He needs to come first, especially at this crucial point. Such profound loss at this juncture would be hard for anyone to deal with, he really needs support.

Your partner is an unempathetic arsehole who finds your son a nuisance. Listen to nothing he says at all when it comes to parenting your son. Consider dumping him altogether.

He gets no say, at all, in your parenting.

And of COURSE you shouldn't punish your son like this. Oh, I think I'll casually ruin his hopes and make him hate my guts to please the bloke I'm shagging, that'll teach the little shit.

FFS.

This 100%

He is hurting.
The passing away of his dad all of a sudden has really affected him.
Your son is struggling.
Bereavement is a terrible thing. It's the worst pain ever.
It must be terrible for your son to think that he will never see his Dear Dad again.
I feel so sad even thinking about it.

I think you need to have a close relationship with your DS. One where at least you can talk to him about what he's feeling.

I totally disagree about the way your DP is interfering.
It appears he wants your DS to suffer more than he's already suffering.
You will lose your son if you let your DP dictate like this. How dare he tell you with what choices to make with the upbringing of your son.
And also wishing that your DS gets kicked off the rugby team.
Your DP is a selfish idiot.

Your son has had an awful time. We are going as a family if you need eyes on or a beacon for him message me privately. Let him go as your boy has been through a lot of upheaval, bless him. Xx

This 💯

Poor kid. I wouldn’t be surprised if his behaviour improves if your partner is out of the picture.

You really are letting your DP have WAY too much say in the parenting of YOUR child.

Wtf? Your son’s life has imploded and you are prioritising grades?? Give your head a wobble and tell your boyfriend to back off.

Please support your son.
He must have have been around 14 years old when his Dear Dad passed away.
Its a sensitive age and then to also have to deal with a bereavement.

The pain he must be feeling is just unimaginable.
Its a terrible thing to have happened to him.

Your DP is not his dad so shouldn't be telling you how to parent your DS.

I'm 50 and my mom passed away last year and I get panic attacks and anxiety even thinking about it.

Your partner has now broken his relationship with your son. If he had one.
your son will not forgive or forget your partner overstepping the mark like this.
Rally round your son. Support him. Tell him you do not agree with your partner. Put him first.
if your partner doesn’t like it you’ll have a decision to make.

This might be a stupid question, OP, but do you ever actually talk to him about his dad? Properly, seriously talk to him?
I agree that your partner needs to step back - your son is not his son.
GCSEs can be retaken, but maybe he also needs support with the rugby too.... if this is his one interest then it's nit a bad one, and it needs to be encouraged.

Possibly the partner is well aware of this?

Oh my God your poor poor son. Having to deal with the loss of his father and not being allowed to see his siblings, and now your partner is saying vile things about him and wanting to punish him.

Your partner is a cunt. Plain and simple. Ditch him and prioritise your son. He is screaming out for help.

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves

This is genuinely awful. Taking away the one things he loves will definitely teach him a lesson!

My Mum did that with me. I went further off the rails because I didn't even have my very much loved hobby and I've never forgiven her (I didn't get kicked out, she refused to let me go as punishment). I'm NC with her for numerous reasons, but I thought that one was particularly cruel and now having my own kids I understand even less. Your partner hoping he loses this sport and you thinking he probably deserves it is no different in my opinion.

I'm sure he's feeling shit enough about himself without this on top. I agree being supportive and encouraging him again to go to therapy is a good idea.

@PrinceHood your ‘D’P needs to wind his neck in. He’s got zero right to ban your son from doing anything and the fact you are even entertaining supporting him in this is worrying. I’ll be honest… I didn’t read all the ins and outs of your op because most of it appears to be some kind of justification for punishing your poor child - I think the tldr version is your son has been grieving his father - and his step/half siblings for several years and as a result has been acting out. He’s refused therapy which he clearly needs.

How do you think this punishment will help your son seek help? How do you think this will help him learn to manage himself and change his behaviour?

Your DP is a shit. Tell him to fuck off and leave parenting of your son to you.

Gosh, I can't imagine what a state I would be in if I lost a parent and my siblings in one fell swoop.

Is there anything that can be done in terms of going to court so he can have access to his siblings? I feel like you can apply for a cold arrangements order for him to be allowed to spend time with his half siblings. He might not want it, but he might well be grateful that you're purified to try on his behalf if he did.

On the festival: a) he's undermining you b) you have a duty to your son to show him that you'll prioritise him when you think your partner is wrong and c) if you wanted this to be a consequence you should have said it in April.

Have a word and see if you can make sure his friends have your number in case of an emergency and see if you can e.g. get him to carry a card with your contract details in case he loses his phone or drinks so much he passes out. Obviously all the usual chat about being sensible etc etc.

I can understand your worries regarding his behaviour OP, however DP was very wrong to link this to exam results. He was also very wrong and hugely overstepping to make threats. His comments about the rugby team are very worrying. DP sounds like a prize dick, lacking any empathy.
DP needs to go.

Sorry, I missed your update.

Can you speak to your son, explain your fears: go with love, tell him how proud you are he got through even some exams and you'll face whatever the outcome is together?
That you know he's hurting and your biggest worry is that how he is reacting at the moment will get him into trouble or danger? That he's not currently making the best judgements and you are worried he'll try drugs or act in a way that will get him hurt or worse? That's why you're worried about him going to the festival.

Could you try again with the therapy? Express to him that you know how excellent he is at rugby and you're concerned all this anger and upset will inevitably end up ruining his rugby career if he doesn't channel it in the right way so will he please try talking to someone?

Could you encourage him to contact his friends and meet up with them before they go to the festival? E.g. he can express to them that he was having a bad time of it and didn't react in the right way and he wants them all to have a great time at rugby going forward and at the festival.

Sometimes I think just explaining to teens and having a heart to heart can help them to seen, when they feel respected and listened to then they are more likely to open up.

I stand by what I said about your partner undermining you though... he does need to back off at this time.

Good grief! Goodbye to your nasty ‘partner’!

Why are you giving this partner authority to have a say on your son?

You sound awful tbh. No empathy at all. My 16 year old isn’t going to a festival because I don’t allow it until aged 17, but GCSE results don’t even factor into my decision tbh.

How cruel of you.

Not surprised your son told your partner to fuck off, saying something like that while you were at work when, quite frankly, it’s fuck all to do with him and if it had been me, I’d have told him to fuck off too once I got home.

You say you don’t live together but he was at yours when you weren’t and overstepping telling your son what he will/won’t be doing, yes it’s not living together but he’s in your sons space when you’re not there and clearly being a dick. What else is he saying/doing that you don’t know about and is this contributing to your son’s unhappiness/behaviour more than you know.

I lost my Grandad at age 14, I’ve never had my dad in my life and I adored my Grandad, I saw him daily and he was absolutely my father figure. It absolutely broke my heart, I fell into such a deep depression and was suicidal for a long time. My school attendance was at its lowest - 15%. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I was an A* student with exceptional predicted grades, that all went well out of the window. I passed a few GCSEs but nothing like I was predicted to get - the amount or the grades.

Your son must feel absolutely shit. I would absolutely revisit grief counselling, I feel I would have benefitted massively from that, I just could not move past my loss. I can’t even think about my Grandad now without my eyes welling up and it’s been over 2 decades! It’s barely been 2 years for your son, he’s lost his father! Taking away something he is looking forward to is beyond cruel and your partner wishing your son gets kicked off his team would seriously make me question my relationship. Honestly what an arsehole!

Can you not plan some real quality time together with your son? Collect his results next week and go out for his favourite food (regardless of his grades) tell him you’re proud he even sat his exams after everything that’s happened, tell him they don’t define him, you know he’s struggling and ask how you can help him.
Honestly his results don’t matter, I’ve had an awful time with my own son (disability and severe mental health issues), I can’t believe he’s even alive never mind that he sat his exams and is also awaiting his results next week. I could not give a shit about his results, I’m just glad he’s still here.

If he wanted to resit his exams in the future he can (only if he wants to) I did and passed them and went on to gain a first class honours degree. Failing GCSEs is not the end of the world.

Spend some time, proper time, with your ds OP and work on helping him to become happy, settled and well again. It won’t be easy and he may push you away at first but you just keep showing up and persisting and things will hopefully improve.

I wouldn't want a 16yr old dealing with everything he has had to deal with, let loose at a festival, I think its a recipe for disaster. But you know your son and if you think he can cope with the sort of things he is going to be exposed to and are fairly confident he will make relatively decent decisions, then I guess you let him go.

How much fo his attitude is due to the poor relationship with your partner? His Dad died, he lost his siblings and Mom's chap hoeps he gets kicked out of the only thing giving him any meaning and has decided for you he can't go to the festival if he fails (which is highly likely).
I doubt their relationship is otherwise positive.