To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

LTB

Sounds like he’s had a horrific two years. He’s battling grief and not doing well with it. He needs love and care. Not punishment.

He has lost his Dad. Your partner - of however long - had absolutely no business to be laying down the law & if he now feels undermined then frankly, good. Maybe he’ll think twice next time. Your DS is screaming I’m grieving and I just need you to love me and tell me I’m safe. He has a whole lifetime for GcSE resits, rugby, everything else. The person who needs a strong word is DP. Your son needs to go to LeedsFest and have an amazing time knowing that whatever he does he can come to you.

Has he grieved properly? Consider booking him onto grief counselling that's more specialised than in-school support. He is acting out, but if you don't support him he'll be even more alienated from you

Good Lord. I've heard it all now.

Loses his Dad at a very sensitive age, in what would have been theost stressful years of his life yet anyway. He finds his own, constructive, way to deal with it through rugby. He has mum's boyfriend who has no sympathy judging him when he's just lost his Dad.. It's all gone a bit wrong for him with the rugby and GCSEs and you can't understand why. Now, you're actively wanting his support mechanisms taken away from him ( friends and festival / rugby).

Jesus. Poor kid.

Oh. And he's lost access to his siblings.

How cruel the adults around him are.

Your son needs to go to LeedsFest and have an amazing time knowing that whatever he does he can come to you.

So when her 16yr old child develops drug induced pyschosis, that will be an amazing time ? Nobody is going to judge the parent that sent their emotionally unstable child into the arena of drugs and more drugs ?

Wake up to what your ds has been thru.
Support him.
Get him support.
If festival is paid for he shld go. Talk to him about drugs.
Regardless results.
He can retake. Take a new path.
Cut out your dp

He has had a terrible two years and lost his dad. He was a good, trying hard kid before that. He has lost his dad, his siblings, life seems like hell and teenage hormones are raging. He will disappointed enough if all this has caused him to do poorly in his GCSEs ...and now you (or your partner) want to punish him by stopping him going to a festival if he hasn't done well.
When things aren't going well at yours, with a partner to also navigate, he no longer has a dad to go to and dad's partner is making him unwelcome.
I think that your partner was overstepping in making this decision and telling your son about it while you were out. He didn't bother to check whether you agreed with this decision or not.
This leaves you in a difficult position as in order to support your son you will have to overturn your partner's decision.
I would do just that in this case ...overturn your partner's decision and make sure that for the future these things need talked over between the two of you and that you, as parent, always has the final decision.

I don't think that carrot/stick type of approach works with 16 year olds, especially bright ones. It's for much younger children. With older teens it always goes nuclear, they dig in and that just makes everything worse.

Your son is 2 years away from adulthood and he will be able to choose whether to see you or your partner ever again. If you have burned your bridges it could be catastrophic.

He's more than a set of exam results and he needs to hear that from you.

You just need to encourage him to make a plan to build on what he's got. If that's 1 A level and a couple of BTECs at the local college, retaking Maths and then maybe a Sports Events Management degree, that's fine. The important thing is to have a plan that he can see himself doing.

The poor lad’s dad died 2 years ago and you’re wondering why he’s gone off the rails? Wow.

my hubbys dad died when he was 17 and he’s still scarred by it 40 years later.

be kind to him

As much as he’s had a terrible time, and your partner is a twat who needs to back the fuck off…
Given what you describe of his behaviour, and that he “doesn’t care about anything”, I’d be wary of him going to Leeds because of what he’ll potentially get up to when there.
There’s rite of passage and then there’s off the rails and getting lamped by security or winding up in medical.

Then again if you try to stop him, I expect he’ll tell you to fuck off and do a disappearing act anyway.

Either way you’re going to be dealing with fallout.

I'm wondering if this is a reverse written by the boyfriend. There's a remoteness in the posts by the OP

This can’t be real, can it? If so then that lad just needs a cuddle and the reassurance that his exams right now are not that important. Let him go to the festival, let him have connections with friends and have happy moments.

If you were going to punish a kid for their exam performance be then that should be based on their input not their output, so the results are irrelevant. Although in this case I don’t see why punishment is warranted at all, why would you punish something that was a result of him grieving.

Your DP is bang out of order , undermining you as a parent and then accusing you of undermining him

OP, if he does badly in his GCSEs, he will feel badly enough about himself anyway, without your forbidding him from going to Leeds festival - so if that is what all his mates are doing, let him go with them. I’m sorry, but it’s really not for your DP to lay down the law to him - I’m not a bit surprised he told your DP to F off - I’m only surprised he hasn’t turned round and told DP that he’s not his Dad and has no right to say anything. Tell DP that the Leeds festival was simply something that happens at the end of year 11 - then have a quiet word with your son about what his next steps will be if he really has done badly. I can’t think his school will continue with a full bursary for someone who doesn’t take exams seriously, so you need to find out what is likely to happen next. Is rugby with school or outside school? He’s clearly a bright boy, but the competition at the top of rugby is fierce, and there’s no guarantee he’ll make it, no matter how focused he is, and he needs to know this, and be aware that he needs a plan B. But denying him the Leeds festival is punishing a lad who is already suffering from what life has thrown at him. Don’t make it worse.

To be fair to those friends they absolutely should distance themselves if he does any of those things. Their parents would probably be giving them that advice.
But then he needs to know he can ring you.

You might not live with your partner but he is assuming a parenting role that your DS does not want.

My Dad died when I was 12. I'm 43 and still not really over it. I had counselling at 39. Thats when I felt able to talk about it.
Fuck his GCSEs. Let him have fun. He can re sit them if and when hes ready. Have a little compassion for Christ's sake.

Poor, poor, boy. Your partner is spiteful. After everything your son has been through you should be celebrating him just getting through his GCSEs. Give your head a wobble.

No such thing as a private grammar school

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Your son has lost his dad and effectively his siblings and his mother lets a complete twat of a boyfriend treat him like shit. Fucking hell woman. Tell your boyfriend to wind his neck in and be a decent and compassionate mother to your poor son. What the heck is it to do with him. Go right ahead and undermine him. Don’t you dare put his feelings above your child’s.

Some private schools still have “grammar” in their names - I’d assumed OP was referring to one of those.

I’d be going to Leeds festival with him then plonking myself on the outskirts minding my own business so he knew where to find me.

After I’d made a great show of dumping my shitshow of a boyfriend of course. His “stepparents” have shat all over him haven’t they?

I hope it’s not true.

There are so many separate issues here..

Behaviour at school, will they have him back? It sounds like he had lots of people willing to support him but it didn't feel like that to him, does he have a counsellor.. it sounds like he could benefit from one. Better help on line might be a good place to look.

Fighting on rugby tour - could have a major impact on his future in the sport. Can you appeal to the coach, advocate for your son?

His relationship with your DP - it sounds like your DP overstepped... I think you should make this clear to both of them.

Festival - what makes.you think he will try drugs and what makes you think his friends will leave him? Maybe a chat with him, some ground rules, a group chat with parents where they all agree to post a group photo every day so reassure parents they are all OK as mobile coverage can be challenging.

GCSE results - he can't change this now, but he might welcome reassurance from you, that come what may, you are on his side snd you will help him find a way forward... but whatever he does, he needs to pass English and Maths....and if he wants a career in rugby, he should talk to a few people and consider studying something sports related maybe like physiotherapy or even sports psychology / coaching.. so he has something he can build his future on.

You are all he's got... he has lost a huge part of his family.. regardless of how off the rails he is ... he needs you 100% on his side, working this out together.

I’m not sorry to say this. That poor boy has lost his primary male role model at a key developmental stage, in quick succession he’s lost contact with half siblings it seems, who may have been a link to his Dad.

At the same time, you, his mother, who should be his most steadfast supporter, have allowed an arsehole of a wannabe Dad to punish him, and to make him feel unsupprted and I suspect unloved in his own home, which should be his safe place. There is an old saying - love me the most when I deserve it the least, and it applies to this situation. Your precious son, who no partner should be prioritised over, is crying out for love and support. It is the job you took on the day you brought him into this world to be his biggest cheerleader, his quiet strength and his tough love.
It does not sound like you’ve done that anywhere near enough, frankly.
He is just a kid, and a lost one, not a bad one. If you think he will do drugs at the festival, and YOU - not your partner - decide he shouldn’t go, tell your boy why you e made that decision and tell him you’re doing it because you love him. Let him play all the rugby he wants. Support him, cheer him on. It sounds like his only outlet for what might be a shit load of rage and it’s not exactly an unhealthy pastime. Fuck the GCSEs. Tell him you love him o matter what and as his mother, help find a solution for him. Don’t give up on him. He will likely be scared of failing too. My son got no GCSEs, yet went off to college, and is now currently travelling the world on his own. He was a handful at times, and also played rugby, but I never gave up. I told him all the time I’d always be his biggest fan, but he had to respect me. And I held that line. We have a great relationship now and it is me he comes to for support when he needs it.
Your boy will be ok, he has his whole life stretching out ahead of him. Give him some time, space, and lots of love.

And get rid of that arsehole partner if you want to keep your son in your life long term. No man is worth losing a kid for.