To want to uninvite this man?

[Roaring111111]

I am having friends from a hobby (a walking group) around for drinks on Sunday afternoon. It’s quite a varied age group ranging from 20-80. I’m in my 30s. He’s in his 60s.

One man who I’ve known for around five years stopped coming to the hobby for a while, but he has now started coming back.

I sent him a message saying that I was having people around for drinks and invited him, and he accepted.

Out of the blue I received a message from him a couple of days ago. It was innocuous really, he was recommending a film and it including a winking emoji. We’ve never discussed films and I’m not interested in them. I replied asking if the message was meant for me. He replied to say it was, but it has been sent after several drinks.

It has left me a bit uneasy about seeing him. Is it just innocuous or was this some sort of attempt to flirt? My partner says it was firmly the latter.

No sorry, ignore me. My brain is hot. He’d already accepted.

You are overthinking and over analysing.
Since you have invited a crowd of people it wont just be the two of you.
Next time meet up with the group at the pub!

What the actual fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

No. You are now making this a weird anonymous crusade. I am of the same generation as this guy. I patiently took time last night to explain why emojis are a nightmare to use. You ignore any post that doesn't agree with your self created view that he was coming on to you. I despair. You are 30-ish. Your resilience seems non-existent. How will you cope as life gets harder and harder, the older you get. You sounded lovely in your early posts. You are now sounding totally controlling; if life doesn't follow your exact predicted pattern then you throw a wobbly. Please just chill a bit. You dont have to rush to make any decisions.

Trust your gut! I am much older than you and have been in a situation where I was kind to an elderly fellow dog walker whose wife had just died and I felt sorry for him and after a while I felt quite uncomfortable after some unnecessary messages which could have been interpreted as “ lonely old chap” but then one week in the car park where we all set off he insisted I got in his car as he wanted to tell me about a dream he’d had. I refused, he insisted but I stood my ground and as I had my dogs with me I could just call out “sorry, got to go” I now avoid him.

Perhaps he was flattered by you inviting him to your home & misread things a bit. Certainly not your fault but perhaps a generic msg sent to the group would have made it seem less personal - but you shouldn’t have to police how you invite people to your home. I think it was more an attempt at conversation given that he seems to think by inviting him to your home you are now maybe better friends so to engage in a bit of a chat isn’t unreasonable or inappropriate. I’d certainly not disinvite because he tried to engage in some chat. I think emojis can be really confusing and misread as flirtation when none is really intended. I imagine he’s feeling embarrassed & doubt he’ll be making a play did you in your home. I’d just be the same as you normally are with him.

I’m not arguing with you. You are extremely rude.

I hope he is feeling embarrassed.

Hi op yes of course a man would try it in with a woman half his age also somebody posted something on here the other day 51 year old female sleeping with 25 year old man so yes it doesn’t happen. If there is any further contact from him tell him your dp is aware of the message just in case they ever meet you wouldn’t want it to be awkward hopefully that will make him miss your drinks.

Ah let him come over, just make sure the broom cupboard is locked lest he captures you in there with him.

Didn’t read past the first line, but any woman can easily tell when a man is trying it on with them.

The men won’t know you’re defending them. It won’t make them like you more.

Calm down OP. You are being absolutely horrible about this man.

He clearly knew who he was texting but a winking emoji doesn't automatically turn the content of the message into flirty vibes. A wink can be entirely innocent which i think it probably was in this case given the film choice. Perhaps felt lonely and maybe he doesnt have many people in his life for whatever reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe use the social gathering to find out a little more about his circumstances but definitely give him more insight into your relationship status - if he was flirting then as you've said, hes a perfectly pleasant man, he will hopefully get the subtle hint. If he wasnt flirting then he will just think he's getting to know you a little better at a social gathering. You wouldnt even need this to be a one on one chat, in the group, reference your partner here and there in a few convos.

"He has always been a perfectly pleasant and nice man. Never any pervy vibes or anything like that."

Even if he was trying to test the water with that text, your response didnt open up anything further room for chat so no harm done.

Final thought....If a man attempts to flirt with a woman 30 years younger than them that doesnt automatically make them pervy 😉........see how the wink is absolutely not in a flirty context here?? (That wasnt intentional by the way, i did the emoji just to convey that the sentence before wasnt meant to be taken too seriously - just in case im wrong about the emoji effect, I am confirming upfront that I am NOT trying to flirt with you 😁😁)

I hope you post an update re your decision and how the gathering went if he does attend as I am curious now!

the text is "innocent enough" and hes "trying to start a conversation"

I am very curious to know how you think that is not appropriate? Do you mean that a man in his 60's is inappropriate to send any type of texts to a younger woman or have I missed your point?

Agree, even if he was trying it on, no thanks Bob, I have a partner, end of.

Unless he doesn't take No for an answer, which is a different issue.

Being 60 doesn't mean he won't be attracted to younger women, morally, that's another issue, but OP is acting like she's never heard of people like Mick Jagger with a 44 year age gap.

You don’t know him, he won’t think more of you for defending him sending strange drunken messages to women half his age.

I know his circumstances. I have known him for years. I was friends with his wife before she died, and liked her very much. I know they had many friends.

I know that this message was a come on.

Is that not a bit creepy then??

It is creepy to some but not to everyone as posts on here show.

Mostly, it's creepy when the younger person is barely out of teenage years, 30 is fully grown and able to make informed choices.

It's possible to reject someone's advances and still be cordial.

Life can also carry on as if nothing happened when the person realises it wasn't reciprocated.

You seem unwilling to wait and see, but set on painting him as a very bad man for daring to supposedly hit on a much younger woman.

Yeah with contemporaries. It is different when it’s a man twice your age. In what world would he think I’d be interested? It is so bizarre.

I had a tricky time with an older widow in his 70s whom I met on a walking holiday when I was in my 40s. It turned out to be extremely uncomfortable - he ended up very upset at me for what he decided was me encouraging him to ‘fall in love’ with me by including him in something. He didn’t deal with my kindly delivered rejection to his advances well at all, becoming quite accusatory. I wish I had followed my own instincts earlier than I did and not offered friendship at all.

The whole thing left me feeling like I’d done something wrong but I really hadn’t. I also think you should listen to your instincts.

It wasn’t out of the blue?! You messaged him directly and individually to invite him to drinks? Ie not via your group WhatsApp.

it might have been a come on from him, or a misguided attempt ti reach out and make a genuinely platonic connection. I think the fact you messaged him first about drinks does add context.

hiwever he meant it, I think you’re overreacting and being quite unkind. You’ve made clear you’re not interested, he hasn’t doubled down or pushed anything. I think telling you he’d had some drinks is at most an attempt to explain any poor judgement or misunderstanding on his part. He’s probably quite embarrassed.

People have said it happens and given examples, it's not so bizarre.

What's bizarre is you obsessing over a possible interest and demonising the man for what many men and women do.

You're not 15 and him 30.

When Mick Jagger met his now wife, he was 71 and she was 27, so of course people can be interested for whatever reason.

It's not unheard of as you're at pains to make out.