To want to uninvite this man?

[Roaring111111]

I am having friends from a hobby (a walking group) around for drinks on Sunday afternoon. It’s quite a varied age group ranging from 20-80. I’m in my 30s. He’s in his 60s.

One man who I’ve known for around five years stopped coming to the hobby for a while, but he has now started coming back.

I sent him a message saying that I was having people around for drinks and invited him, and he accepted.

Out of the blue I received a message from him a couple of days ago. It was innocuous really, he was recommending a film and it including a winking emoji. We’ve never discussed films and I’m not interested in them. I replied asking if the message was meant for me. He replied to say it was, but it has been sent after several drinks.

It has left me a bit uneasy about seeing him. Is it just innocuous or was this some sort of attempt to flirt? My partner says it was firmly the latter.

If you're positive he was flirting why did you make a post asking if it was innocuous and then shoot down anyone who says it may have been?
I do think he was probably flirting but don't understand why you started off with faux naivety

It's pretty insulting to assume that someone in their 60s is incapable of noticing any societal change over a 40-year period

No-one who hits on someone young enough to be their child deserves a gentle rebuff

Op you are making a song and dance about it though

Maybe he doesn’t have any. There are other people coming, I wouldn’t be bothered by this. I’ve accidently sent ‘xx’ to people, who have laughed thankfully. I’d be mortified if they thought I was being flirty.

He randomly sent a film rec, with a winking face and said he'd had a few drinks.. why say that last part if not to explain poor behaviour? He was definitely flirting. Maybe he didn't grasp that the private invite was just because he wasn't in a bigger, group chat or hadn't been at group when others invited. Older people don't always understand texts / communication through devices.

I'd find an opportunity to make a joke in earshot about some 'old man' who once tried to flirt with a friend and how embarrassing it was for her or maybe you disapprove of a celebrity's relationship with a large age gap - just loud enough for him to hear.

I hate men like this with a passion. Not really, because I understand they just haven't mentally aged / emotionally aged, but I find it frustrating. It's one thing to pursue a relationship after 'stumbling into it' from spending time with a friend and getting to know each other and finding romantic feelings.. but a 60 yr old actively pursuing a 30 yr old, with no prior connection, reeks of entitlement and immaturity. Why would you ever assume someone half your age would be interested in you sexually? It's fucking weird. It's also pervy. The fact that his first thought wasn't to treat a 30 yr old woman like his daughter (or granddaughter) says a lot about him.

I could see myself dating a guy who was 60 and knew it. So meaning he was creeped out by me liking him (ahahaha) but a guy who mentally never aged enough to understand why that's creepy? Just wouldn't be attracted to that type of mindset. Urgh.

Because I’ve thought about it again and 60 year old men just don’t send 30 year old women messages late at night after a drink with a winking face for innocuous reasons. I have been inspired not to pretend he might have done it for any other than reason than because he fancied having a go at getting a shag by some of the women who’ve posted.

I’ve posted a thread. How is that a song and dance?

Have you ever sent xx to men half your age out of the blue after having too much to drink though?

This is it exactly!

I am relieved to hear this and I hope you don't take offence at my having queried that - I was clearly identifying from my own past experiences - but I'd always rather ask the question and be told no, that's not something you have to worry about - than not mention it....

As your unease is based purely on your own instincts then perhaps you should uninvite him - your feelings are your feelings, and only you know how uncomfortable you felt recieving that text, how uncomfortable you will feel going forwards.

My own feeling with things like this is that one attempt at flirtation is OK - even if it's someone you view as totally unattractive, he probably doesn't see himself like that. And though many people are put off by a large age gap, others aren't. (My mother-in-law for example had a nearly 30 year gap with her husband, and remained in love with him till he sadly passed a couple of years ago). So I don't think age gap relationships are by definition creepy, though it's fair enough that you are personally repulsed by the idea of you yourself having one.

But in a way, the guy doesn't have to have done anything "wrong" for you to decide that you can no longer be in his presence.

I would just suggest, if you do go down the 'uninviting" route, do it gently. I don't think the guy has done anything bad enough to warrant total humiliation, for example. And, except in situations where we are abused or otherwise mistreated, I think we should be kind whenever possible. (It is always possible).

My mil would. Without a drink too! 🤣 It’s why she doesn’t have my number.

I don’t mind you asking at all, thank you.

I do think age gaps are fine if the two people involved have a particular camaraderie and there is obvious mutual attraction. I don’t think it’s okay to send texts like that after a drink though.

I won’t humiliate him. I doubt I’ll do anything except hope he doesn’t come, and if he does, ensure that he isn’t the last one here.

I said he looked like it...not her actual gf..he looked like an old man and she looked young and active

My MIL once sent me 'Sorry the cat died LOL'
She thought it meant 'lots of love'.
Older people can be genuinely clueless about emojis and text speak.
I wouldn't worry about it, loads of people are talking about that film.

Yeah but she’ll know what a wink means.

Then do you plan to remain in the club? Or attempt to have him ejected?

Of course I’m going to remain and of course I’m not going to attempt to have him ejected. Doesn’t mean I want him in my own home.

I’ve not read everyone’s replies but I recently received multiple messages from women in a group I volunteer with who are also in their 60’s - they all use winky faces out of context.

I do agree though it’s odd

Great. There's your plan of action. Univite him, feel more secure in the group setting on Sunday afternoon in your own home, and then see him in a group setting outside your own home biweekly/monthly moving forwards.

As he’s an older man, consider that he may have intended a smile emoji and hit the semi colon by mistake. A lot of older guys are not very savvy about that kind of thing.

He didn’t do it by accident.

Your instinct will be right op. He’s being a bit creepy even if the text itself is innocent enough. He’s trying to start a conversation, because maybe he’s lonely yeah, but it’s not appropriate. However I would give him a chance to realise his error and get a grip. If he does it again then distance yourself.

Similar WhatsApp group, I've had ;

multiple thumbs up emojis with no other comments. Often emoji with different colour skin.

Winking, also with tongue out.

Aubergines

Plus many more totally inappropriate responses.

I would just laugh or let it go.

Are you kidding??

If he’d send that message in a group WhatsApp I’d have had no problem whatsoever.

Sorry if I’m misunderstood here, but could the ‘it’s a yes from me’ by saying yes please I’d love to come for drinks, the ‘been to see the Odyssey’ an explanation as to why he didn’t respond straight away?