AIBU to want us to move to Australia in later life?

[OneFedUpFarmersWife]

First time poster. I will give some context for this post. Been married to my DH for 31 years we have a 30 year old DD. This is my second marriage and I have two DD from that relationship. I am 70 and my DH is 74. He is a farmer on a tenanted farm and his family have been here over 100 years. My eldest DD emigrated to Australia 9 years ago and has a great life. I was heart broken when she went taking my two GDC with her ( kids are now14 and 10) I try to get over every year to see them and I love Australia, My youngest DH and her husband have said that they are looking to get a visa to emigrate. My heart dropped but I told her she should try as it’s a great place for kids and it’s something I would have done given the chance. I have told my DH that I want us to emigrate too and he’s said ‘no’ without any discussion. I have lived abroad before so the thought of moving to another country does not faze me. My DH has always lived in this house. He’s a bit selfish to be honest. We had discussed him retiring as I would like to move to our other house which will be much easier to maintain. I’m starting to worry a bit that something may happen to him and I’ll be left with this farm to sort out and live in this big house till I can move. He doesn’t seem to be bothered. He decided not to retire without discussion as he likes farming. I want to go to Australia to spend what time we’ve got left with my DDs. I couldn’t bare the thought of the youngest going. AIBU to want us both to emigrate?

YANBU, especially if 2 out of 3 dc are in Australia! Good luck OP. Tell dh you'll visit him still 🙂

I think wanting to emigrate to be closer to two out of three of your kids is entirely understandable at this stage of life. I am not there yet, my sons are mid to late teens, but I can 100% empathise with wanting to be near enough to my children and to their children in my later years. I say that as someone who hasn't lived in the same country as my parents for decades due to difficult relationships. This means I value the closeness my DH and I have with our children because it is so unique for me, never having experienced it myself with my own parents.

OP, if this is truly something you want to undertake and are happy to start from scratch in a new country, I say ignore the naysayers and do what you need to do to make it work. Wishing you the best of luck.

No way will you be able to get anything but a tourist visa. Sorry op - you can be as optimistic as you like, but your fantasies are just that. We moved back to Australia again last (UK) summer. We really regret it. It has changed so much in the ten years we were away, and not for the best imo. The COL is crazy and the homelessness situation is just horrible, even in country/rural towns. People (young and old) are living in cars, caravan parks, skanky motels and houses of multiple occupation with strangers. I could go on but i won't. We are planning to return to the UK.
You will never qualify for an aged parent visa, the waiting lists are astronomical. Your daughter may say otherwise, but the Oz government is stopping these parents/family visas due to certain countries, namely China and India, abusing them. They are also stopping lots of other visa routes due to fake degrees from overseas countries, visa overstayers etc.
The summer's here are unpleasant, so your best bet is to come over here on a tourist visa for a few months during the Australian winter or cooler months.

It’s totally possible at your age with the right visa, sponsorship and funds. I live in Australia and my good friend, English, recently did the same thing and her mum (older than you) is now well settled here. Good luck OP- it’s a great place to live.

I think you missed the part that to be eligible for a parent visa (not necessarily get it) the parent needs to have at least 50% of their children living there. So your second daughter would need to go first and get settled (2 years?).
Anyway, I am getting really frustrated by your responses.
You say you are happily married (despite him being 'selfish' etc). He doesn't like travelling and certainly doesn't want to migrate; he doesn't even understand your wish to move out of the farmhouse. You cannot see how daunting the prospect would be for him to leave the only place he has known. It doesn't sound like a happy relationship to me. Where is the compromising?
I think you are severely underestimating the process. It will cost a fortune (but that doesn't appear to be a problem for you), take a long time for you to be eligible, require near excellent health - as someone said, even being overweight is cause for refusal. I thought your reference to a 30 year wait was a typo/3 years. You're dreaming if you think you could sit out - overstay - a temporary visa until you die.
Once you retire you could go there for several months of the year on a visitor visa, then return and resort to FaceTime.

This - could you do winters over there and summers here for eg? 50/50 - then you’d get to see everyone.

There is a lot of agricultural work available in Australia. You and DH could make sure visa allows you to work seasonally.

He's 75, why would he want to work on a farm when he doesn't want to go anyway. And I sense that OP would not want to be working, especially in ag work.

Eh? You NEED your Visa in place before you go otherwise thousands of people would all be there “waiting” for a Visa for 30 years or am I missing something??

YANBU to want to go at all, OP. But your DH is't being unreasonable not to want to go. I hope you can change his mind or find a solution you're happy with.

My brother’s MIL has just made the move at 70, all four of her children are in Australia. She seems to be loving it so far, it only took her three weeks to find a house etc

My parents applied for a visa 15 years ago when my husband and I emigrated. it’s still making its way through the system. We’ve come back to the uk since.

So one of your daughters went so far abroad it’s impossible to see her and your grand children regularly. Now your youngest is planning to do the same leaving behind her 70 year old mother and 74 year old farmer father. Both those daughters want you both to move there, use your money to buy two plots for houses for them and a granny annex for you and your husband.

You and your husband are happy together, living in the place he’s lived all his life. A place he’s comfortable with, a life well lived in a supportive community presumably. You want him to give this up so you can chase two adult daughters who have their own lives. Presumably busy lives. No doubt the youngest envisions free childcare.

Meanwhile there is a third estranged daughter in Moldovia, whom you don’t seem to be concerned about a relationship or rapprochement with.

You’ve rose tinted glasses on the life you might have in Oz, it’s all going to be so easy and carefree to move, leave behind all you know, and for your husband leave the only life he’s known at age 74.

You’ll both be in a strange country, with no support, in a period of life when frailty or ill health may be approaching. Neither of you are unhappy, your husband doesn’t want to go. Good luck to relying on two daughters over there if either of you are no longer sprightly.

He said no. On that basis yabu to want both of you to go. It's not an option. The real question is do you want to go by yourself? You are the only person who can answer that one.

I know people who wanted to do this but it ended up too expensive, complicated and cost of living there is crazy

I love travelling and adventure, but I wouldn’t want to move to a new country in my 70s. It’s a big ask to expect someone to give up everything they know and love and spend their remaining days in a foreign place where everything feels strange and unfamiliar.

I do sympathise about your daughters - that must be very painful. But I don’t think your husband is being selfish.

This is a tough one because neither of you are being unreasonable, you just want totally different things.

I probably understand your point more because I’ve lived abroad for a long time and although I’m now back in the UK for the foreseeable, I would certainly move abroad again under the right circumstances.

However, one of the many problems in my previous relationship was that my ex had spent his entire life in our hometown and despite saying at the start of our relationship, he would “never say never” to moving one day, it became very clear after a while, that he had never had any intention of moving about more than 30 minutes from here - even that would have been a battle.

Again, neither view is right or wrong, it’s just different, but it’s one of those things in a relationship where you can’t really compromise.

You say you’ve been married for 30 years. Is this the first time that living abroad (not even just Australia to be with your children) has come up? If your DH has always been clear that he wouldn’t move, that’s fair enough and should have been something you decided at the time whether you could accept that or not, but if he’s said for years that he would move and is now suddenly moving the goalposts, that’s a bit different.

I understand why you want to go, but are you expecting your DH to want to leave a home and job he presumably loves, and leave his daughter with no remaining family in the UK?

I can’t see him going OP and I don’t think badgering him about it will make any difference.
Having someone keep on at you to do something you fundamentally don’t want to do is awful…
Instead I would try and think of a compromise can you spend longer over there each year so you don’t feel like you’re missing out on as much, 6 months there and 6 months in the uk for example?
You’re not just asking him to move but giving up something that sounds like a major part of his identity, something that has been in his family for a long time. My Grand Father was a tenant farmer and had to be carried out when he was too ill to carry on, there is no way he would have left it sooner.
If you’re determined to go and it will lead to resentment if you don’t then, it sounds like separation is the only logical outcome.

Oh dear
Maybe YOU need to do some research before spouting shit to the OP about something you clearly know nothing about.

OP its not the VISA thats the problem its your DH. Some tough conversations are needed.

My understanding is that the Australia's Reciprocal Health Care Agreement (RHCA) with the UK only provides access to essential medical treatment. It doesn’t cover all services, including non-urgent treatments like cancer care, osteoporosis, or any of the old age diseases. Private health care in Australia does not give you access to GPs, specialist visits, tests or imaging. Only in hospital care with typically a high copay.

One of our family friends has done this in the last two years and she's the same age as my Mum so I'm unclear as to why a few posters are saying it can't be done?

Could an alternative be spending part of the year out there @OneFedUpFarmersWife ? The winter months so its far more pleasant?!
It seems like you and your DH have a solid relationship and are happy to do things independently of each other.
I have no idea if this is achievable with visas etc but worth looking in to.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think mine will want to be off when they are older and secure enough. There's a whole world out there for them!

Do you really want this amount of stress and upheaval? Your husband would probably not deal with this well at all.

Medical expenses would be astronomical by the sounds of it. The bureaucracy of the visa is hellish. Australia are making it more difficult and are putting more hurdles in the way.

Realistically, the possibility of you and your husband emigrating to Australia is miniscule. Just visit for a portion of the year and shelve the idea. It's all far too stressful.

My grandparents had a slightly similar situation, with three children in Canada, all with growing families (their other child stayed here). When they retired they spent six weeks in Canada every summer.

They had previously lived in Canada and could have moved there but didn't. Basically life wasn't that much fun for them in Canada as they could no longer drive so they were pretty stuck. My grandfather wanted Canada while he was in Scotland but Scotland when he was in Canada!

Are you being unreasonable to ask a farmer who has farming in his blood and has lived in one house all his life to emigrate to Australia in his 70s?

I'd say that the very definition of unreasonable, myself.