Boring eater

[Curious77]

Am I unreasonable to hate that my partner is a boring and bland eater? It really pisses me off that a man in his 50s ( met 6yrs ago) avoids any foods he is not familiar with!
he watches all my food programmes with me and oohs and aahs at the food, but in reality, he would unlikely try any of it.
i find it incredibly frustrating, and to coin a phrase I hate but seems perfectly apt… it gives me the ick!
he thinks houmous is hippie food, and pate is posh!
why do I want to shake him? Is it me? Am I a snob?

I think the issue would be if you were married or dating someone who refused to try a restaurant because it was an unfamiliar cuisine, without even giving it a go. I’m not talking about people with disorders or nd, but people (adults) with a very narrow and basic palate that they’ve refused to expand.

I don't think it's necessarily a sign of a generally unadventurous person. I think most people are quite multifaceted and can have very different attitudes and approaches to the different parts of their lives.

I’m glad you are feeling better. I’ve just never been that bothered by food. I don’t find it unappealing, but I’m content to eat the same food day after day. I know what’s healthy, quick and easy for me to prepare and eat.

I guess my issue is that people don't understand eating disorders like ARFID and just assume we're being picky on purpose. I understand that it is difficult to comprehend that I just can't try unfamiliar food, it would literally make me gag and vomit.

I have a list of 'safe' foods and I work really hard at expanding that list but it's an effort. If we went to an Italian you'd have no idea I have any issues as I love pizza and at a push can stomach pasta. I have quite a wide variety of fruit and veg on my list and I do take supplements.

The difference between ARFID and just being fussy is that someone with ARFID hates drawing attention to it and will hide it as much as possible. My biggest bugbear is people asking why i'm only eating a side/chips or why do I always order a margarita pizza ( looking at you BiL) - just leave me alone!

I had hypnotherapy in my 30's but the awful sickness i had while pregnant undid a lot of that work. I should really try again.

@MickyMoonshine

As someone who was diagnosed with ARFID as an adult I find this so offensive. If I was to try new food I would gag and probably vomit. Having an eating disorder or a preference around food does not make someone dull, or unintelligent.

Respectfully, you keep bringing this back to diagnosable mental health conditions. I've gone out of my way to make clear that I'm not talking about people without conditions like ARFID, I'm talking about people who like food and have no issues with it but just can't be bothered trying anything new. It's completely different.

A good analogy might be people who never want to travel outside the UK. A person with a phobia about flying is triggered by the prospect of travelling on a plane. That's a diagnosable and understandable mental condition and understandable that they might have trepidation about it. That is not the same as people who don't want to travel because they are not interested or can't be bothered.

I'm sorry you have ARFID and I imagine it makes life quite difficult but I don't think that takes away from the fact that all things being equal, lack of curiosity about food in the absence of a mental health condition makes someone quite lacking in curiosity overall.

I think thats where I see it differently because that wouldn't be an issue for me.
If they dont enjoy going to restaurants or trying new foods I honestly dont care. Theres lots of other stuff to do and if do have a hankering to try something, I can do it by myself or with friends. Shared love of food/trying foods isnt on my wishlist for a bloke.

It is surprising to me how strongly some feel about it tbh. But everyone is different and if it matters, it matters.

But how do you know if someone has an eating disorder or is just fussy? We don't wear a badge and I've got to know you REALLY well before I disclose that information - ironically because of judgy people like you.
Also, I was in my 30's before I'd even heard of ARFID so everyone assumed I was just fussy. People have assumed I'm stupid, childish and all the other insults I've seen on this thread.

Why not just do away with the judgement and get to know people instead of making snap judgements?

I couldn't date him. Food and trying new/unusual things is one of life's major joys for me, so I would want to share that with a partner.

We’re all different. I would find it very disappointing if I had to always go to restaurants with others or if you were out for the day in a new city you couldn’t agree on where to go because of the food disparities. If I started dating someone like that I would have to like them an awful lot in every other aspect to not get pissed off.

Me too! I guess for some, bonding could be over football or music, and others it’s food. I introduced someone to Japanese food and the fact they loved it as much as I do made it a really good experience in that restaurant. I have friends who won’t go near raw fish though and that’s ok but it’s not all raw fish. My kids also love Japanese food, I introduced them to it at a young age. I’m not Japanese but I’m very happy my family love the cuisine. I could live with it if they didn’t but if a partner said yuck I’m not trying raw fish, for no other reason than he thinks it’s going to be a slab of uncooked supermarket cod, then I would find that annoying that he’s not at least educating himself.

Love this! So funny!
and yeah it is like that, arrested development!😂😂😂

Insisting on chips with everything would also be a turn off.

God forbid people eat food they like

My husband was like this when we first met. He would eat Chinese and Indian (albeit a limited selection of food from there). Absolutely no cheese, no nuts and a very limited palate.
Initially, I was accommodating, but then it got on my nerves, especially when I was cooking. One day, I really fancied a chicken kiev. I knew he wouldn’t eat it, despite liking chicken and liking garlic. I decided to buy it anyway and plonked it in front of him at dinner time. I explained it was like a giant chicken nugget with garlic, and he liked both those things! He begrudgingly ate it and enjoyed it. I then started introducing more foods such as stir fries, curries, carbonara with a small amount of cheese in it. He used to cover it completely with ketchup (!!!) but then stopped doing that. He’s now much more adventurous and eats Thai food and other cuisines he’d never have eaten before. I decided to treat him like a toddler and put the food in front of him to try. Otherwise, he never would.
He still won’t really eat cheese (albeit he now eats cheesecake and pasta dishes with Parmesan stirred through). I did feed him cheddar mash once, when I bought it by accident instead of regular mash. I just hid the packaging and he loved it!
I also bought him a Nutella milkshake from the airport on our way home from our honeymoon as they didn’t have regular chocolate. He drank it all, plus half of mine. I never have told him it was Nutella (as he won’t eat nuts)….
In short, I refused to pander to him and he did become more adventurous. His mum (begrudgingly) comments from time to time “you’d never have eaten that if I’d cooked it for you” etc etc

But we’re talking about the OP’s partner! Not some random she’s just met.

Of course it would be judgmental to make assumptions about someone based on their eating habits at one meeting.

You seem determined to make this all about ARFID. Its not about ARFID. Its about people without diagnoses of a mental health disorder who are just dull and set in their ways.

Of course it would be judgmental to make assumptions about someone based on their eating habits at one meeting.

Or over the internet....

But again we are not talking about people making judgments about people they have met on the internet. We are talking about the OP’s significant other.

Don’t you think if he had ARFID she might have mentioned that!

I could never be with someone who was fussy with food. An ex boyfriend was fussy and the only veg he would eat was peas. I love just about all vegetables. We would never have worked together.

Both me and DH love food. We love cooking together, trying new recipes all the time and eating out.

I freely admit I am pretty obsessed with food. I watch lots of cooking programmes, look for new recipes online all the time, love looking through cookery books (I often get 2 or 3 cookery books from the library and read them in bed!

Having to cater for a fussy eater and cook different meals for me and him would drive me mad no matter how nice or lovely he was in other ways

If I’m the one cooking I’m not doing chips with everything.

Well no. But if people want chips they can make them or order them - it's hardly a crime.

People are getting very defensive about their valid eating issues but we are not talking about that. We’re discussing adults who refuse to expand their palates beyond the basics because they assume the food will be ‘yucky’.

You know as well as I do that people very quickly started talking more generally about people who have limited diets and not the individual in the OP. Including you.

Unless he tries to make you eat the same as him. or sneers at your food choices, I think that someone's choices are a very personal matter, and that you should not demand that he should like the same food as you (he shouldn' do that to you either).

And some people are acting like they're superior because they like a wider variety of food. It's just food. If you like something then eat it but it doesn't make you a better or more rounded person.

People are saying they wouldn’t want their partner to be a fussy eater if bonding over food is one of their joys in life. There’s nothing wrong with that. You can have whatever you want on your list of likes or dislikes in a potential partner. Again, we aren’t discussing it in the context of ARFID.